IT IS TIME FOR ME TO FORGIVE!

Dear Mother,

I have been angry with you long enough. I accept now that you did not have the capacity to love me. I accept your disposition. I acknowledge that you did your best. I assume you’re giving up. I forgive you! I forgive you! I pray you are blessed, happy, whole, and complete. You will always be my mother, and I your son. This is the end of all strife between us. I am of you, but not you. I am my own being and an adult. To let you harm me would be a choice and permission I have given. – Zih

Dear Brother,

The anger I hold towards you is profound. The resentment I hold towards you is profound. The love I have for you runs deeper. You will never know how much I love you because you never gave me a chance to love you. I accept you for who you are, I love your creativity, and I will love whoever you love. I wish you nothing but the best. I want my twin older brother to be happy, prosperous, and living a life worth living. Please, big brother, never settle for less, and keep the good fight of faith. You are worthy. You are handsome. You are smart. You are the beloved of Christ himself. Today, I release you. You no longer hold negative energy over my life. No more will I allow our awful past to haunt me. I will not speak negatively about your name and will continually ask God for forgiveness if bitterness arises within me. I forgive you. I forgive you. -Zih

Dear Charles,

From the time you were 4 years old, sick, and vomited red Kool-Aid on me, I loved you. I raised you like the little brother you were always to me. Oh, how I hope to hug you one more time and take a glimpse at the young man you have become. To me, you are perfect. One of a kind. A prince and leader. You are smart, and I will always cry good tears when I think of you. You helped parts of me heal, and your allowance of me to love you and help take care of you kept me. Thank you for being you. Please, young King, don’t settle for anything but greatness. You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength. You are capable. You are worthy of love. It’s not a goodbye, but until we meet again, stay close to the cross and keep carrying on! Love you forever and ever. Hunnybun

Dear Dickey Family,

How I wish you could have gotten to know the true me. How I wish you could have truly loved me. I wish you wouldn’t hurt and try to destroy my character, person, and spirit. How I wish I could sing and dance like you. But I can’t. God gave me a brain, and I’m going to use it for greatness. I love every aunt, uncle, and cousin. I thank God for the good memories we shared with Grandma. I value all of your strength and perseverance. Now we have grown into a nation, so close but so far. I pray that everyone who is hurting heals and lives an abundant life. I have to let you go. I have to put my foot down finally. While you are living your life, I am suffering from PTSD. But today is a new day, and I say what Jacob said to Esau: May the Lord watch between me and thee while we’re absent one from another. Love you. -Mimi

Dear Dad,

I always yearned to be your kid. I loved the two years we spent together. You are hardworking, honest, and have a great sense of humor. Spiritually wise with a significant amount of discernment. I think about what could have been. Then I accept reality. I love you and wish you all the best in life. – Your Kid!

Dear Gramma,

I miss you. I wish I could hug you one more time. You were my best friend, and I am sorry I could not have saved you. I thank you for being honest in your dying days. When you admitted fear, but you were glad you only had to die once. You were my rock. You were my true Mama, so with the host of angels and you singing in the heavenly choir, cooking and baking soul food for Jesus. Watch over me. No matter what has happened between us, the love we shared outweighs it all. Rest in Peace- Domenia

Dear Griffins/Leitermans,

You did the most harm to me that has ever been done. I have been raped, sodomized, neglected, and beaten with belts until I bled. The damage you did makes all the above-mentioned look like a piece of ice cream. You didn’t have to take me. I was compared to a dog. I was never your child. You did not deserve the names ‘Mom,’ ‘Dude,’ ‘Sister,’ or ‘Brother’ to come from my mouth. I am livid with you because I suffered while you stayed warm. I want to hate you, but that is not who I am. I want nothing to do with you ever again. Never try to contact me. Don’t even come to my funeral. I am saying goodbye and erasing you from my mind. I am saying may my Lord and Savior judge you accordingly. However, know I forgive you. What you meant for evil, God turned it around for my good. You can’t hurt me anymore. I am free from you. I stand on my own two feet as a black man. I pray you all have happy lives. Good-Bye -Mia

St. Mary’s

I pray you grow your minds. I pray you become open and affirming. Teaching the bible from an intellectual standpoint and academically, not just the history passed down orally from enslavers. You put me on a pedal stool, and when I am homeless, hungry, and coming into my trans and pansexual identity, you abandon me. I can’t comprehend how and why you are so dysfunctional, yet still going. This church has hurt so many people. I pray for your leaders and their souls. Love God. Live for God. Worship God in Spirit and in Truth. I forgive you and know I’m not looking back. I forgive you, and you know who you are. I am a transgender man. I am queer. I am pansexual/gay. I am a Christian – Xih-Zih

To my many rapists and abusers,

You have tainted my soul enough. The pain you inflicted will teach me no more. You are evil. You are demonic. You need to find Jesus. What’s crazy is that I’m more hurt by everyone I addressed above than you. However, I live with the physical scars from you. It has affected how I see myself, how I eat, and has dictated my life to the point where I am afraid of what I am. A black man. I do forgive you. I don’t wish you well. Kind of, I do. But I 100% forgive you. – Twin 2

To Jen (with one “n”),

You hurt me by calling me a gold digger, basically. You’ve done so much for me. I’ll never forget. You created memories with me that I will cherish forever. You loved me, but it was conditional. I am not sure what happened post-med school, but you thought you were always right and were often wrong. You married, and I became your burden. Getting you out of my life was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I’m grown. I am a Christian. I have new friends and mentors. You were just a stepping stone or stumbling block; however, I was pushed into my purpose. Most importantly, I forgive you. I will hold no grudge against you. Have a great life and be as successful as you can. I’ll always care about you. – Domenia

I had to write a blog. Not for likes or more subscribers, but so I can heal and move on. For once in my life, I have not had a suicidal thought in a week and 3 days. I am not whole. I am still broken; however, I am overcoming the hurdles to wholeness. I believe in forgiveness strongly. I forgive, and sometimes it takes reason, logic, reading my Bible, and prayer. But I always forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are letting the perpetrator win. Forgiveness is like stress when held on, you gain weight, overeat, develop mental illnesses, and physical ones. Forgiveness is healing. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. But don’t let that thought hinder and bind you. Allow it to help you create barriers, boundaries, and a safe space for yourself. Thank you for reading!

Blessings,

Xih-Zih