• Road Rage, I’m letting you go!

    13 Nov 2025
    My Story, Topic Thought.

    IT IS TIME FOR ME TO FORGIVE!

    Dear Mother,

    I have been angry with you long enough. I accept now that you did not have the capacity to love me. I accept your disposition. I acknowledge that you did your best. I assume you’re giving up. I forgive you! I forgive you! I pray you are blessed, happy, whole, and complete. You will always be my mother, and I your son. This is the end of all strife between us. I am of you, but not you. I am my own being and an adult. To let you harm me would be a choice and permission I have given. – Zih

    Dear Brother,

    The anger I hold towards you is profound. The resentment I hold towards you is profound. The love I have for you runs deeper. You will never know how much I love you because you never gave me a chance to love you. I accept you for who you are, I love your creativity, and I will love whoever you love. I wish you nothing but the best. I want my twin older brother to be happy, prosperous, and living a life worth living. Please, big brother, never settle for less, and keep the good fight of faith. You are worthy. You are handsome. You are smart. You are the beloved of Christ himself. Today, I release you. You no longer hold negative energy over my life. No more will I allow our awful past to haunt me. I will not speak negatively about your name and will continually ask God for forgiveness if bitterness arises within me. I forgive you. I forgive you. -Zih

    Dear Charles,

    From the time you were 4 years old, sick, and vomited red Kool-Aid on me, I loved you. I raised you like the little brother you were always to me. Oh, how I hope to hug you one more time and take a glimpse at the young man you have become. To me, you are perfect. One of a kind. A prince and leader. You are smart, and I will always cry good tears when I think of you. You helped parts of me heal, and your allowance of me to love you and help take care of you kept me. Thank you for being you. Please, young King, don’t settle for anything but greatness. You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength. You are capable. You are worthy of love. It’s not a goodbye, but until we meet again, stay close to the cross and keep carrying on! Love you forever and ever. Hunnybun

    Dear Dickey Family,

    How I wish you could have gotten to know the true me. How I wish you could have truly loved me. I wish you wouldn’t hurt and try to destroy my character, person, and spirit. How I wish I could sing and dance like you. But I can’t. God gave me a brain, and I’m going to use it for greatness. I love every aunt, uncle, and cousin. I thank God for the good memories we shared with Grandma. I value all of your strength and perseverance. Now we have grown into a nation, so close but so far. I pray that everyone who is hurting heals and lives an abundant life. I have to let you go. I have to put my foot down finally. While you are living your life, I am suffering from PTSD. But today is a new day, and I say what Jacob said to Esau: May the Lord watch between me and thee while we’re absent one from another. Love you. -Mimi

    Dear Dad,

    I always yearned to be your kid. I loved the two years we spent together. You are hardworking, honest, and have a great sense of humor. Spiritually wise with a significant amount of discernment. I think about what could have been. Then I accept reality. I love you and wish you all the best in life. – Your Kid!

    Dear Gramma,

    I miss you. I wish I could hug you one more time. You were my best friend, and I am sorry I could not have saved you. I thank you for being honest in your dying days. When you admitted fear, but you were glad you only had to die once. You were my rock. You were my true Mama, so with the host of angels and you singing in the heavenly choir, cooking and baking soul food for Jesus. Watch over me. No matter what has happened between us, the love we shared outweighs it all. Rest in Peace- Domenia

    Dear Griffins/Leitermans,

    You did the most harm to me that has ever been done. I have been raped, sodomized, neglected, and beaten with belts until I bled. The damage you did makes all the above-mentioned look like a piece of ice cream. You didn’t have to take me. I was compared to a dog. I was never your child. You did not deserve the names ‘Mom,’ ‘Dude,’ ‘Sister,’ or ‘Brother’ to come from my mouth. I am livid with you because I suffered while you stayed warm. I want to hate you, but that is not who I am. I want nothing to do with you ever again. Never try to contact me. Don’t even come to my funeral. I am saying goodbye and erasing you from my mind. I am saying may my Lord and Savior judge you accordingly. However, know I forgive you. What you meant for evil, God turned it around for my good. You can’t hurt me anymore. I am free from you. I stand on my own two feet as a black man. I pray you all have happy lives. Good-Bye -Mia

    St. Mary’s

    I pray you grow your minds. I pray you become open and affirming. Teaching the bible from an intellectual standpoint and academically, not just the history passed down orally from enslavers. You put me on a pedal stool, and when I am homeless, hungry, and coming into my trans and pansexual identity, you abandon me. I can’t comprehend how and why you are so dysfunctional, yet still going. This church has hurt so many people. I pray for your leaders and their souls. Love God. Live for God. Worship God in Spirit and in Truth. I forgive you and know I’m not looking back. I forgive you, and you know who you are. I am a transgender man. I am queer. I am pansexual/gay. I am a Christian – Xih-Zih

    To my many rapists and abusers,

    You have tainted my soul enough. The pain you inflicted will teach me no more. You are evil. You are demonic. You need to find Jesus. What’s crazy is that I’m more hurt by everyone I addressed above than you. However, I live with the physical scars from you. It has affected how I see myself, how I eat, and has dictated my life to the point where I am afraid of what I am. A black man. I do forgive you. I don’t wish you well. Kind of, I do. But I 100% forgive you. – Twin 2

    To Jen (with one “n”),

    You hurt me by calling me a gold digger, basically. You’ve done so much for me. I’ll never forget. You created memories with me that I will cherish forever. You loved me, but it was conditional. I am not sure what happened post-med school, but you thought you were always right and were often wrong. You married, and I became your burden. Getting you out of my life was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I’m grown. I am a Christian. I have new friends and mentors. You were just a stepping stone or stumbling block; however, I was pushed into my purpose. Most importantly, I forgive you. I will hold no grudge against you. Have a great life and be as successful as you can. I’ll always care about you. – Domenia

    I had to write a blog. Not for likes or more subscribers, but so I can heal and move on. For once in my life, I have not had a suicidal thought in a week and 3 days. I am not whole. I am still broken; however, I am overcoming the hurdles to wholeness. I believe in forgiveness strongly. I forgive, and sometimes it takes reason, logic, reading my Bible, and prayer. But I always forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are letting the perpetrator win. Forgiveness is like stress when held on, you gain weight, overeat, develop mental illnesses, and physical ones. Forgiveness is healing. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. But don’t let that thought hinder and bind you. Allow it to help you create barriers, boundaries, and a safe space for yourself. Thank you for reading!

    Blessings,

    Xih-Zih

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  • Grace is the Star of My Story

    11 Oct 2025
    Being African American, College!, faith, My Story, Topic Thought.

    I wanted to publish a prayer I wrote because Christ gave me a great accomplishment in my grades in Dinivity School. This is my second class and I earned an A grade. My first Divinity professor didn’t believe in me due to my mental health, queerness, and transness, but this term I’ve proved why I worked harder, stayed up later, and received a crown of a good grade. The prayer goes like this:

    Yahweh,

    Where would I be without your grace? This semester has been so trying and hard, with me actively suicidal and making suicidal attempts. Being actively depressed, mixed, and manic. And, actively grieving the family I lost, and the death of my grandma, my best friend.

    I cannot take credit for this alone, and I would be foolish to do so. You’ve put therapists, APRNs, Pastors, Aunt Sue, Mentors, social workers, and Psychiatrists all in my pathway for me to mold into who I am. I live with chronic pain due to an invisible autoimmune disease (fibromyalgia). I received the diagnosis of spinal stenosis and spine disease NOS. I wanted to give up. I wanted to die, and I had asked you to kill me. I rewrote my will and testament. Then you showered me with your grace and mercy. Your redemptive power is what keeps me going. I love you, Jesus, because you first loved me.

    I can do all things through Christ Jesus, who is my strength. No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper. I am the head and not the tail, a lender and not a borrower; above and not beneath. Your rod and staff guide me. If I make my bed in hell thou art there. If I make my bed in the heavens thou art there. You will never leave me nor forsake me. You know my end from my beginning. In this, I give you praise.

    Yahweh, you’ve been my shelter in the storm, food when I had none, you living Word encourages my soul daily, and I will not be ashamed to say for God I live and in him I have my being. For thou art with me.

    This grade is more than a GPA credit, my friends. This grade is transitioning me to the next university I plan to apply to. This grade encourages me that there is more for me. This grade says, “I still got this.” If anyone knows me, academic integrity and freedom in academics mean the world to me. Being able to learn about the beautiful passion of Christ’s death/resurrection in depth, read Greek, Hebrew, and understand what theologians before me have written, and lastly to be able to start developing who I am as a queer, black, trans theologian means everything to me.

    I declare and decree I will earn my Master’s of Divinity. I will earn my PhD. I will earn more scholarships. I will gain acceptance into Regent University. I am more than my circumstances, more than my pain, more than my mental health, and more than my past.

    I feel the Heavens cheering me on! I see the leaders of faith before me in the Heavens cheering me on. I see my aunt Linda and Gramma rooting for me in a stadium of those who made it into eternity. Thank you, Jesus. Where would I be without your Grace?

    Your Grace and Mercy cover me all the days of my life. Your Grace and Mercy always provide me. Your Grace and Mercy walk with me and are my shadow. I can never run from your presence, so I embrace it. I know firmly who my God is. I am affirmed in my personal salvation in Christ. You never left and never will. You knew me when I was in my mother’s womb and had a future of hope for prosperity for me. To many, I look like a bum; I’m on disability, Medicaid/Medicare, and food stamps. I am considered the lowest of the low.

    Watch me! As Maya Angelou wrote, “You may write me down in history. With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt. But still, like dust, I’ll rise”

    My savior has risen and brought me up with him. Lord God, thank you, and I can’t wait to see what is next. So I publicly confess my faith to all my readers and viewers and am never going back in the closet!!!

    Love you, Jesus, and thank you for another Victory. Thank you for,

    GRACE IS THE STAR OF MY STORY.

    In Jesus’s mighty name,

    Selah and Amen.

    Xih-Zephyrine Ziggy Zih 10/11/2025 12:45 am

    End.

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  • You are loved!

    6 Oct 2025
    faith, Journal Style!, My Story, Topic Thought.

    Dear Friend,

    You are the beloved of Christ. Christ looks upon you daily with a smile. Nothing you can do or ever do will make him ashamed of you. Christ believes in you. Hold fast to your confession of faith, for it will never lead you wrong. You are special, unique, beautiful, talented, and loving. You are worthy. You are empowered by God on high to accomplish your dreams and achieve your heart/mind desires.

    There is nothing you can’t do if you just believe. Remember, it’s okay to not be OK. It’s OK to have bad days. Doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, nor is it a defect. It’s life doing what it does best. Look in the mirror to see your strength, see your beauty, see your power, see your love, see yourself overcoming. See yourself across the mountains, through the valleys, sitting at the feet of Jesus.

    You will do great things in this life and help save souls if you don’t stop believing in yourself and the Christ freeing you daily. You are not a diagnosis. You are not a disease. You are not your net worth. If no one ever says sorry to you for the pain, distress, and heartache you have experienced, please allow me to say it in their place. “I apologize.”

    You are the daughter/son/child of Christ, whom he places a crown upon your head. You are valuable, worthy, kind, special, wonderful, and consequential. I believe in you! I will always believe in you! Christ is cheering you on. Be encouraged.

    You can do everything through Christ Jesus, your strength (and savior). Philp. 4:13 Even if you don’t believe in Christ, I believe your high power will give you the strength you need!

    Blessings and Peace Be Unto You, daughter of a King,

    Love You with honor, dignity, and respect,

     Zih

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  • We need them, too

    21 Sep 2025
    Journal Style!, Topic Thought.

    To sit on a bench in a green is a privilege

    To be able to see God in all His Glory

    To be a naturalist is surreal

    What happens when we see people sleeping on the grass and not for a nap, but as a bed

    Do we look away

    Do we drink our venti iced coffee and keep walking

    Do we eat our pizza slices and walk

    We need them too!

    I’m talking about the homeless.

    Today, I sat on a bench that I once slept on, homeless, in my early twenties

    to see the number of homeless was heartbreaking

    In the middle of Yale University, there were an endless number of homeless, hungry, and cold people.

    I was reminded of my purpose that studying ministry is far more than preaching from a pulpit.

    For me, it’s reaching out to those life has forgotten

    We need them too!

    Their lives matter, and they are worthy of dignity

    When you see someone on the highway with a sign, their asks are not always for nefarious motives

    People are hungry, thirsty, and need a hug

    How can we call them Christians and not welcome them as one of us

    We are all one paycheck away from being among them

    A solid education doesn’t keep you from being homeless

    A family doesn’t keep a family unit outside the shelter

    We are no better than they are

    If they need us, we need them too

    The pain of homelessness weighs on the homeless like a bill you are dreading to pay

    There are no food stamps for them because they have nowhere to cook

    There is no SSDI or SSI because they don’t have an address

    Even those like me on disability, food stamps, and Medicaid can only have these things because I have a home

    I need them because I was one of them, and I need them

    I don’t need them to boost my ego or build my pride

    I need them to show the love of Christ

    I need them to show respect and honor for them

    I need them to be able to love

    I need them to be able to feel and not be empty

    I need them because I want them

    I need you to want them too!

    We never know their stories if we are too fearful to ask

    We should listen

    We need them

    they’re not a burden or taking resources

    They are not a problem for society

    How prideful are we that we think our lives are better

    They matter too

    They have a name

    They have a birthday

    They have a story

    They are someone’s child

    They are someone’s sibling

    They are someone’s loved ones

    Bottom line, they too are a child of God

    We need them! I want them! I love them!

    I was them

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  • Provoked to Purpose

    1 Aug 2025
    Truth & Foster Care

    Dear Friend,

    I wanted to let you know that there is a reason you are born in the era you are born into. A reason why you like what you like, and hate what you hate. There is a reason why all the bad in life has happened to you, too. I believe it’s a divine reason. I cannot, and will not, pretend to know why bad things happen to good people, or children, or the elderly and disabled. I don’t pretend to understand the politics of today. I just felt led to let you know that, within your anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, frustration, pain, feelings of abandonment, confusion, and all that we feel, you, too, have a purpose in this life.

    What’s that purpose? Only you can define it. I strongly believe that the pains of life, the strife and struggle, give us an opportunity to ask two things: what is this lesson here to teach me in order that I may grow? And, how is this provoking me to my purpose?

    Please know that no purpose is too big or too small in order for us not to leave a revelation, to be open, to be wise, to share, to give, and to spread the good news of life with one another. Even in our times of struggling. Maybe if we count our blessings from the basics, of having feet that work, socks to wear, something to eat, something to have faith in for a better tomorrow, we will purge ourselves of the negative and see the beauty that life beholds.

    I have this affirmation that I heard in a sermon tonight. “I will live on purpose. I will serve on purpose. I will pursue my purpose. I will die with purpose.” As a Christian, I believe in heaven and hell. I don’t know if the real reason people go to hell is just for evilness, because redemption is a free gift to all who accept it. I think it’s when Jesus asks us, What did we do with the life we were given? That, my friend, is what I believe seals our fate.

    I want all my readers to read my blog and feel inspired and provoked in a loving way to their purpose. To know there is a human who cries at night without someone to wipe their tears, too. There is a person who knows what it means to be homeless, to live off of very little, who struggles daily with their mental health, struggles with food insecurity, and lives with chronic physical pain that no one can see. So that you may know that we may never meet, but you are not in this fight alone. You are not alone! Please, my brother, sister, non-binary siblings, don’t give up and don’t give in. Win instead, whatever winning looks like for you.

    No one is the same. My purpose is to write, pursue higher education, to teach and preach the good news of the Gospel of Jesus. How this will happen, I have no idea, but I take it a win by win. Even if that means, in my worst mental and physical health days, all I do is shower or clean. I’m striving to make a difference. To live my life as an honest testimony of recovery from addiction, surviving childhood trauma, and being hungry and empty. I’m striving towards my win.

    As I pray for you, too, to bear witness that you are a winner. You are a survivor. You are a lover. You are not bad, but amazingly talented. You are strong. You are capable. You can do it! You will do it.

    Let this blog post be your start of a push to be provoked to purpose.

    Blessings and Peace Unto You.

    Xih-Zih

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  • I want you to be mad, too!

    28 Jun 2025
    Journal Style!, Topic Thought.

    So currently, I have very little to no food that I can digest at home. It’s because it’s the end of the month and I’m waiting for SNAP. Mine were greatly decreased last month, so I bought less. And I’m mad! I have a damn right. Because we have a republican party, trying to take away Medicare, Medicaid, and SNAP.

    This is a problem. If I am going hungry at 33 years old, and I cook healthy and only eat fresh foods. Can you imagine a mother of three to five kids? Imagine these children in the world’s richest country going hungry so rich people can have a tax break.

    Let’s make it worse, there are already work requirements for SNAP and Medicaid. Medicare premiums increase by over $40 a year. Cutting Medicaid doesn’t mean people won’t get sick, it means less money for rural hospitals, closing state programs for the elderly and disabled. It means that Meals on Wheels will end, and those children, teens, and young adults with eating disorders won’t get their protein shakes to keep them alive. Parents are being required to work, but republicans want to cut Head Start and preschool, so how are they going to work if there isn’t a safe space for the children to be?

    Are you mad, yet? Because I am.

    I make 1283 a month. My rent is 283. My monthly bills are 597.95$. I pay for copays, and I’m a graduate student in seminary school, and I’m shelling out $155-250 for books every 8 to 10 weeks. I have to pay for my disability transportation, so another $100. I also have a pet rabbit, Jhonni Root-Canal, whose monthly expenses are about $75 a month. When I do my budget for the rest of the month, I’m left with $72.05 for the month. Which is $18.01 a week. So, one haircut a month. So before Republicans get all righteous and you believe we on support/entitlement programs are living a lavish life and not working, look at my budget. I’m permanently disabled, with physical disabilities as well as mental disabilities. So, what luxurious life am I living? What luxury of life do the poor lead? Why do those who can afford to rent a venue in Venice for a wedding (Jeff Bezos) need a tax break? Do you think those who voted for Trump really think he is going to keep his promises when, in the first six months, we almost entered a war? This big, beautiful bill is self-destructive for our country.

    Are you mad, yet?

    I think we need to think of USAID and how Trump and Musk destroyed it along with PEPFAR programs, and now those who rely on Nut paste, rice, HIV-AIDs prevention medication, and even gasoline so countries can run ambulances for pregnant women can survive. It’s estimated that over 35k children and women have died in one to two months. So if you voted for Trump, blood is on your hands. How do you feel about voting for a man who is willing to kill children and women, and keep epidemics expanding beyond the shores of Africa?

    Are you mad, yet?

    What about ICE? They arrested a woman in my community bringing her child to school. What’s worse is my birth mom, who voted for Trump, that child she used to tutor and help teach as a paraprofessional. She voted for a man when she had been democratic since the 1991 election. All because she was manipulated and now believes FOX News that ICE is only arresting criminals. Obama deported more than Trump. What my mother doesn’t know is that these deportees can now be sent to any country, not even their native countries.

    Are you mad, yet?

    Where’s the anger at? When I speak of anger, I don’t mean viciously angry or wanting to cause harm. I mean righteous anger, holy anger, passion, and desire.

    Xih-Zih

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  • I hear you. I see you. I love you!!!

    17 Jun 2025
    faith, Journal Style!, Topic Thought.

    Dear Friends,

    I don’t want to be famous or well known for being an orator, preacher, advocate, or any of the sorts. I want to be known for my compassion, unconditional love, peace, holding your tears, and carrying them with me. I want people to know I see you, I hear you, and I love you. So many people, including myself, are hurting and feel lost. It’s Pride month, and as a community, it’s hard to celebrate because we are fighting for justice, peace, and solidarity. I think the church has gotten it wrong for all these years. They tried to pray the gay away, conversion therapy, while speaking harsh and condemning words, and calling it the Gospel of Christ.

    That is not the Jesus I know, and I wish you would get to know him. Christ is the essence of peace, the essence of healing, the embodiment of what it means to sacrifice to a stranger, whose message was love above all else, and to be a friend in one’s darkest hours. I think and wonder, ‘What is life about? What does it matter? After all, there is so much darkness, and it’s overwhelming and all-consuming. Then I remember my faith, and it says I hear you, I see you, and I love you. Families are torn apart, mothers against daughters, fathers against sons, and trans and nonbinary youth are fighting for existence.

    Sometimes it seems as though hope, dreams. Aspirations and goals are a figment of one’s imagination. However, let me speak words of encouragement. The fight is hard, but success is not inevitable. You will make it. You will succeed. Please don’t kill yourself on the words, actions, and false narratives of others.

    Know your truth and live it; however, live it with integrity, grit, and resilience.

    If no one says ‘I love you, ‘I appreciate you,’ and the likes, please know there is a creator that does, and friends, partners, and sects of people you have not met that do love you, appreciate, and believe your life is a life worth living. Death is for eternity, and life is for but a moment.

    You’re the child of a king, a king who sits high and looks low. A king who calls you his beloved and sends angels to protect you.

    To be transparent, I am broken too, and healing from trauma daily. I battle insecurity, self-doubt, self-hate, and feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. It takes one person, one community, one God, and healing begins. When I first attended my church, ECV, I went for prayer and heard the words as a trans man that I am God’s beloved. God isn’t mad at me, does not hate me, but has a consuming amount of love for me. That was the journey to a family not of blood but of Christ’s spirit and human decency.

    I acknowledge that not everyone will believe in God or Jesus. However, to whom you call your higher power is, I believe, he, she, or it/they believes the same thing that my God and Savior believes in me. You are special, one of a kind, priceless, a limited edition, and have a calling to this world in some capacity. Live out your calling, don’t let your colors fade, smile in the rain, rejoice in the cold weather, and be triumphant in the cool and hot sun of the summer.

    You’re more than what your bank account says, greater than your living situation, and more than the level of your education and/or socioeconomic status.

    Don’t let anyone define you with labels that you don’t adopt. Adopt the labels of beloved, gracious, peace, wisdom, sparks of energy, and the greatest gift to the earth for the era you were born in and the times that you live in. Fight a good fight and get into good and worthy trouble. Never losing who you are, but an ever-evolving spirit, being on the bumpy road to better. We are spiritual beings having a humanistic experience!

    I see you. I hear you. I love you.

    Blessings and Peace Unto You.

    Xih-Zih

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  • Permission & YOU!

    29 May 2025
    Journal Style!, My Story, Topic Thought.

    You have permission to live a life worth living.

    You have permission to love who you love

    You have permission to be transgender, non-binary, and whoever you feel as though you are.

    You have permission to worship the deity of your choice

    You have the right to healthcare and free education for minors and college students

    You have permission to not be a statistic and survive out of poverty.

    You have permission to be educated

    You have to right to run for political office, making your voice heard

    You have the right to respect, dignity, integrity, humility, and everything good from your fellow neighbors

    You have the right to grow

    You have permission to feel whatever emotions you are feeling, and they are all valid

    You have permission to live with dignity as a chronically ill person, mentally ill, and physically limited, with access to services to give you a life worth living.

    You have permission to be respected.

    You have permission to grieve when a life is stolen, when you are hurting; your grief is valid and should be met with empathy.

    You have the right to have safe housing

    You have permission to raise powerful, world-changing, and history-making children

    You have permission to attend a trade school vs. a university because not everyone is meant for school, but all are meant to do well.

    Working at Amazon, being a truck driver, being a case manager, CNA, PCA, dumpster truck driver, working in warehouses, and these are worthy and needed jobs.

    You have a right to be loved unconditionally and make the family you want to make.

    You have permission to explore life and evolve with each experience you encounter, good and bad.

    You are free to be gay, straight, lesbians, transgender, intersex, omnisexual, pansexual, asexual, demi sexual, bi sexual, poly, two spirited, black, white, hispanic, indian, brown skin, and free to express your self in drag; you have permission to express your identity and gender expression as fluid as it may be.

    You have permission to have sex and experience sexual intimacy, however you feel is right for you

    You have permission to be YOU

    You have permission to walk in pride in your recovery

    YOU are wonderful

    YOU are amazing

    You are talented

    You are beautiful, handsome, and fine as wine

    You are a one-of-a-kind, after you, there will never be another you.

    You are loved and beloved by God/Jesus

    You are spectacular

    You are a work of art designed to be unique and worth trillions more than what money can buy.

    You are, you don’t be ashamed

    Don’t walk with your head low.

    Don’t walk oppressed and suppressed

    Walk in Power.

    Walk in Strength

    Walk in confidence

    Walk in integrity

    Walk with grit and resiliency

    Walk in knowing not everyone will like you, but you are you, YOU love you, and are beloved by the universe

    Lastly,

    I give you permission to live out your God given potential, reaching self-actualization.

    End.

    Xih-Zih

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  • Gratitude! My better Angels

    27 May 2025
    faith, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Topic Thought.

    In a dark world and troubling times, especially in America, focusing on the negatives, trends, self-hate, and discord is easier. This summer brings me to a year’s worth of good and bad memories. So, for this post, I want to focus on the good.

    I’m grateful to the Lord for providing me medications and multiple treaters for my schizoaffective biopolar 1 type, ADHD, bulimia, anxiety, PTSD, depression, and gender dysphoria. I’m grateful to the Lord for every shot I receive for my condition. I’m grateful to be heard and seen not as an ill person but a person working towards wholeness.

    I’m grateful to the Lord for saving me from a car accident 15 years ago that plagued me with physical pain, illness, such as fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, and carpal tunnel. It could’ve been worse. I deal with pain daily, I can’t run or jump, or work out. It’s put on weight. However, I still have a life worth living, and an excellent team is keeping me healthy and working on my mobility.

    I am grateful to the Lord for my university, seminary, undergraduate, and amazing high school. I say this because I have met professors who pushed me into greatness and believe I can be a scholar, I’ve had professors become friends, and I’m thriving. Sound High School is a family, and once a member, forever family. Love them with my whole heart.

    I’m grateful to the Lord for experiencing homelessness, poverty, needing Medicaid and Medicare, SNAP, and public safe housing. I didn’t enjoy it initially, and the route to safe housing was a long process. With the Lord’s help, I did it! I am still only Medicare, Medicaid, SNAP, and SSDI/SSI. It may not be part of my future as I climb the ladder of success; however, it’s helping now and saving my life through medical insurance, preventative care, and food nutrition.

    I’m genuinely grateful to the Lord for SSI/SSDI, which I started in 2014, earning $495 a year while working. Then, I increased it to $945 and was still working. Then it increased when my disability was at its worst to $1,283 a month. I’m grateful. I can pay rent, buy extra food, pay for personal health and hygiene products, including my $135 amount of vitamins a month. Also, it helps pay for my bunny son. Every month, I proudly give 10% back to the house of the Lord, which is $128, and I donate it to ECV HELPS, which gives money to the needy, poor, and those needing assistance in my community and at church.

    I’m grateful to the Lord for my church. Elm City Vineyard for the love of a second family, a new mom and dad with young siblings, and receiving hugs and love every Sunday morning. I am also taught the word of God in the style of a talk, which leaves room to digest and think. What better place to serve the Lord than at ECV!

    I’m grateful to the Lord for foster care, helping me survive, and not becoming another statistic. I was taught leadership, love, empathy, self-control, and confidence.

    I’m thankful for my biological family, but they are not the best family and have chosen to leave me alone. They don’t know how to love me or show love. However, I still love them. With the drop of a hat, I’d be there for them. I still have family, even if I have to love from a distance.

    I’m grateful for those who did me harm, my biological family, childhood church, my foster parents Caroline and Gene and their children seeking to destroy me through dehumanization and as a monthly pay check, my seminary college and universities seeking to oppress me for being trans and queer and those who raped me as a child, a mother who beat me until bleeding, adulthood rape, abuse from bosses at Starbucks, and those who hate me and don’t know the adult me. I pray for a special blessing, purpose, wealth, love, and success in all they do in life, and for them to grow into better angels.

    I’m grateful to the Lord for Planned Parenthood, for the STI check-ups, HRT (this saves my life), flu shots, PREP, and pap smears every 3 years. I say thank you, and may your work multiply, and more trans lives be saved, and women, men, and nonbinary folks survive and thrive.

    I’m grateful to the Lord for my recovery assistants (RAs) who help me with chores, go to appointments, and give me a life and hope back. Thank you, Miss Jessica, Mrs. H, Miss Jay, Miss Jazlyn, Broski, Joy, Beck n Call Homecare, and all the others.

    I’m grateful to the Lord for my almost year experience from Griffin Health, their psych hospitals, and mental health IOP treatment. Helped me get sober and get better.

    I’m grateful for my bunny son and the joy he brings to my life. Mr. Jhonni Root-Canal Zih

    I’m grateful to the Lord for my amazing, super-star and strong Aunt Susan!

    Lastly, I’m grateful to the Lord for my Broski Vic. He means the world to me. He edifies true friendship, displays loyalty and honesty, and lives with integrity, self-discipline, and self-confidence. Love you, Broski!!!

    I’m grateful to all my readers and subscribers to my blog. Thank you for listening, reading, and commenting. Please know I speak truth to power, will always give you an honest story, and leave off every post with positivity and spirituality.

    I cannot forget to mention that I am grateful for Jesus and the passionate sacrifice he made for me and those who choose to believe or not.

    Blessings,

    Xih-Zih

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  • Aunt Susan! I love you!!!!!!

    2 Apr 2025
    Journal Style!

    Dear Aunt Susan,

    I wanted the world to know how you chose to love me and be my aunt for 9 years. There is no color barrier with you. There is no alternative motive with you. I love you with all my heart. You give me hope, peace, and belief in my future.

    Family does not need to be blood relatives. You love me because I don’t know, but I don’t question your authenticity. You understand me mentally, personally, and academically.

    I pray you look in the mirror and know you are changing lives. You speak for the marginalized, and you’re an advocate for the community. You support me as your trans nephew when people have let me go. You accept me as a gay man, and I can’t wait for the day you walk me down the aisle. I can’t wait to graduate as a pastor and see you in the rows at graduation.

    You’ve raised an amazing son with a heart of gold. A young man carrying your soul and spirit. I love sending you chain texts. Because I don’t want you to forget that I love you for one day. I pray for you often for joy, happiness, and peace. You’ve given me an uncle and an amazing cousin.

    You’ve impacted me so much that my first daughter will be named after you. Your impact and legacy will live beyond your years. Now you are a little cooky, funny, random, and bizarre. But this is what makes you amazing. You work within the LGBTQI+ mental health community, changing lives individually. Making people feel heard and loved. Thank-you!!!

    I’m in tears writing this because I can’t accurately say the impact you’ve had on my life and the help in spirit and soul you have had. When people who said they loved me abandoned me, you chose to love me and said you’d do it again.

    This is our 9-year anniversary, and I’m just in awe! Thank you for being the human that you are. You may not profess to be a Christian, but you’re more of a Christian than those who profess to be.

    I’m a pain, and you love me. I’m stubborn, and you love me. You saw my heart when I had given up. You sound a lot like Jesus, my savior. Please be kind, gentle, loving , and self-validating as the person you are. You’re amazing. You’re outstanding. You’re mind-blowingly funny. You’re a jewel to the world!

    Blessings and peace be unto you,

    Nephew Xih-Zih.

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  • U don’t f’n know me!

    29 Mar 2025
    Truth & Foster Care

    I came from the ghetto where my mother was on welfare; we only ate during the school year, and on summer days, all we had was spaghetti.

    I came serving rape, molestation, and beatings till I was bleeding by my own mother, her 47-year boyfriend, and twin brother.

    I came from poverty, where we boiled water and washed clothes in the bathroom tub.

    I came from hand-down clothes because we couldn’t afford clothes.

    I came from owning a corner store for 50 cents because I couldn’t afford water or juice.

    Before you look down on me, ask me my story!

    I survived foster care, leaving my mom at 8 years old, never to live with her again. I never knew what my brother looked like in the morning. To never see him again in my life. Oh, Big Brother, I love you!

    I came from beatings in foster care by my grandmother. The one I called my best friend. I came from my family telling me I deserved to be raped. I’m the fault that my mother doesn’t love me. I’m dirty and to wash my face with bleach.

    I am plagued with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, ADHD, bpd, autism, fibromyalgia, and spinal stenosis. I’m 70% blind, and you look down on me.

    My foster mom gave me up. I was told by social workers I was unadoptable; I was unloveable.

    I helped raise a 5-year-old till he was 15 and had to answer questions such as “Why doesn’t grandma and auntie love you?”

    I came from a church that idolized me, but when I announced I was gay and later transgender, they forsaken me. People who called me family let me go.

    I was broke, hungry, and dirty. I took needles out of the drug user’s arms. I was raped and told by detectives trans men can’t be raped. I was without a bed for two years, sleeping on the floor in an apartment building where rats and mice were biting my bunny and me. I started to sleep in my computer chair while being an undergraduate student online, graduating with honors. I applied for the scholarships. I got the loans, but no one helped me.

    I take 10 medications to control my mental health, and I have to have an injection every 3 months to control my schizophrenia. I have been hospitalized over 100 times and about 20 for suicide attempts. Do you know what it is like to see things other people can’t see, to hear demons that others can’t hear, and to feel bugs on your skin that people can’t feel to the point I’m scratching off my skin! I have cut marks from cutting myself. You don’t know me!

    I kept my faith in Jesus while sleeping on the beach and bathing in the ocean. I came from a fake sister who threatened me and couldn’t and wouldn’t accept me as a man when I was homeless in North Carolina. I came from that.

    I came from guns being put in my face because I saw a drug deal, and if I told, I was good as dead.

    Yeah, I’m on Social Security. Yes, I cannot work now. Yes, I’m on food stamps! But I did! I live in public housing; yes, I do! I sleep in a twin bed. I wash my clothes in a portable washer and mini dryer because I cannot afford to do laundry.

    During COVID-19, I saved my birth mom’s life only four 4 years later; she told me you might as well die. I choose men over you. My brother, my love, threatened to kill me. So he fled to Chicago. Never to be seen again.

    My grandma died, and I was deemed homeless. I went to her funeral and saw her in the casket and then was forced to leave because I couldn’t afford the fancy funeral clothes. I am gay and transgender, and that’s not allowed in the church. To this day, my family will not tell me where she is buried.

    I have not seen or heard from the child I helped raise in 8 years. I didn’t receive one hug during COVID. I just had Jesus and my bunny. I graduated from a Christian college, but because I was queer and trans, I was not allowed to graduate.

    Just last week, I was raped analy by a man I once loved. You don’t know me. You don’t!

    The home I have now is safe. I can sleep at night. I have insurance and income. I may not have a family, but I have an Aunt, Sue, and the ECV family, who have changed my life and love me without judgment or question.

    I’m in graduate school on scholarships, studying to be a pastor. I don’t have Thanksgiving with a family. I have not had a Christmas since I was 17. I’m 33. I celebrate Kwanzaa by myself. I hold back tears and cry on my pillow. My apartment may not be your house, I may not have a husband or kids. But I have my sanity. I have Jesus. I have a family. I have my aunty Sue! I am God’s beloved.

    I will own a house. I will have my 3 daughters. I will find the man of my dreams. I will pastor a church. I will start scholarships. I will be a philanthropist while graduating with a Ph.D. I will have a backyard for my bunny to play in. I will not kill myself!

    I will preach the Gospel all over the world and travel to countries. My latter days will be better than my former days.

    You can look down on me now, but soon you’ll be looking up!

    Peace Out,

    Xih-Zih

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  • Caroline, oh Caroline

    29 Mar 2025
    Being African American, My Story, Journal Style!, Truth & Foster Care

    Dear Ex Foster Mom and teacher,

    From day one, I was your black child. An accolade for you to add to your resume. I told you on day one, “I am broken and did not deserve a family.” Yet, you took me in. In that, I say thank you. You helped me get a passport and travel overseas. You bought me food, but that was at the hands of the state welfare system. You and your wonderful family reminded me of where
    I stood.

    My story didn’t matter. You saw yourself above the abuse of my biological family. However, in the worst of times, the Dickeys never kicked me out and left me for dead. The Dickeys fight and argue and have been strange; however, blood is thicker than water when the fight happens.

    I was never your child. I was money for you to pay Debbie as a house cleaner. You should limit me to my allowance of $120 a month while you pay your better children’s credit cards, college tuition, and even graduate school.

    When I was able to get a license, you said no because I couldn’t afford insurance, but that was never the problem for your birthed ones. I was asked to walk the dog when I said “no.” Asked “why.” I replied, “I didn’t ask for a dog”, and was told, “I didn’t ask for a foster sibling”

    The day you told me, “I was tired.” I should have known you were fickle. Your love fades. My former foster father lost his job or quit, and I was earning a little income from Starbucks. You wanted me to pay rent when your perfect children lived free.

    I had a 5k refund, and you told me to rent a room. You got rid of me at age 19 when I had to remind your perfect children of my history. My history’s truth was too much for you.

    When you told the hospital that I could not come back, I was deemed homeless. You told me to get a sleeping bag and sleep in the green, and I did. I was almost raped, pulled needles out of druggies arms, and saw the worst of life. I went hungry and developed hypoglycemia. I only had one meal daily in the restaurant I worked in. I slept on my youth pastor’s couch crying every night, thinking I was the evil one and confirming my belief that I break families and am the problem.

    In reality, I was a poor black child brought into a white middle-class family of Yale, Smith, and Bank Street family. I didn’t fit in. Not only by the color of my skin.

    My life changed when I was welcomed into my Continuum of Care family. You were happy because I was no longer your burden, and you could continue to live your rich white life.

    Out of sympathy and maybe guilt, you bought me groceries and took me to dinner. I still knew you were fickle. In Nov 2014, I was approved for Social Security, and you were my payee. Instead of giving me my money, you told me to eat at a shelter when I finally had an increase. I removed you as my payee, and I gained an increase. When I worked for Perfect Care and I had to pay rent and bills, money was thin, you would send me $100 on Venmo. First, you would put a heart emoji and the name “Bank.” When I got a 6k refund check, you reminded me of all the transactions you had given me and made me repay you $600. I knew you were fickle.

    I apologize and apologized. I hadn’t been hospitalized in 6 years and wasn’t invited for Christmas, Thanksgiving, or anything. Nothing would let me see the only one who loved me, the closest person I had to a dad; I knew I would never see him again.

    I lived in a hell hole where there were mice, rats, drugs, guns, and sex in the elevators, and I didn’t have a bed. I asked you to buy me a sleeping bag and help me with my bunny. And you did. But while you slept in a bed, and your family was comforted, I slept with mice and rats bitting at my feet. For two years, I slept in a computer chair.

    When God decided to bless me with an amazing apartment in a safe Wooster Square middle-class community, you became spiteful and angry. As if my blackness was only meant for the slums.

    As Joesph said in the bible in Genesis 20:20, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about” that I would save lives, feed the hungry, find a truly loving church home where I received love and acceptance. Save my birth mom during Covid-19. What you meant to destroy me spitefully and vindictively, God used to grow me.

    I forgive you. I will always love you. However, the greatest moment of my life was when I said goodbye. We have not spoken in about two years, and God has given me an Aunt Sue, my angel, I have good aunts and uncles, a new father and mother figure, and I am loved. You know, love is based on money and gifts. I know love from God on high. I didn’t need a community to think I was good, upright, and holy. You have a white savior God complex, but when the funds ended, your love ended. It was never really there.

    I wish you the best. I wish you success and happiness. I want you to live an old age and see your grandchildren graduate from high school, and I want you to age with grace and have abundant money, love, and happiness.

    I truly let you go. After this post, you are just a wound, a scare, and a testimony of how strong my Yahweh is and the better angel within me. I cannot change the past; I accept it as my story.

    From Glory to Glory! From Faith to Faith.

    Good-bye,

    Xih-Zephyrine Ziggy Zih (your ex-black foster child)

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  • Too Late to Lose

    7 Jan 2025
    Truth & Foster Care

    Is it really true a new year is a new me?.

    Does one calendar day difference really change the perspectives, behavioral patterns, and problems, or is this just a story we tell ourselves?

    I wanted to die because life was becoming poison, and hard to live alone.

    Then, I realized that I was a miracle in progress. And it’s too late to stop this miracle, and nothing is impossible.

    Suicide is a permanent decision, often a temporary situation.

    But what do you (I) do when the pain doesn’t go away? I’m still hurting, and I’m crying out for release, acting out to escape overcompensating in school, etc., in order to feel inferior or superior.

    I’m 33, and this isn’t the time for me to fear, to back down and give in. for as the writer sings, “It’s too late to lose; you (Jesus) already made a way. The Cross still stands, (sacrifice) of Christ’s still speaks, and the grave of Christ is still empty.”

    This just means if you a believer Jesus died a brutal death for the sins of all men, woman and non-binary people so that we would not have to live a life of condemnation being weighted down with guilt, pain and regret. Not only this gift, but now we have direct access to GOD, the triune God, through Jesus. Jesus was killed on a bad Friday, stayed in the grave for two days, and on the first Sunday morning, he rose. Taking power back from the evilness in this world proves that if he achieved this and if we come in his name, there is nothing we cannot do.

    Knowing the history of the Trinity, I still face thoughts of suicide. Thinking to myself no one will miss me; it’ll be another day, and I just disappear. then I think of my ancestors being captured from Africa to work as slaves and taught a perverted gospel of Jesus to keep us condemned. How my great grandma is one generation away from slavery. With my academic achievements, I remember my late grandma always saying, “Baby, you’re the answer to a slave’s prayer, the reason why blood was shed, we worked in the heat, suffered violence, then one day we were free. So take the baton of freedom and make a difference that we could and sing the old negro hymns. Never let them escape your lips. And always know you’re grandma’s bay.”

    Maybe I don’t want to die, but just for the pain to end, the distress to end, the loneliness to end, my transition to being complete, and for one night not to cry myself to sleep. I think what makes suicide so appealing is that it’s something I have infinite control over. However, where does my soul go from there?!?!

    In reality, I want to take my last breath at 96. I want to be a girl dad, philanthropist, pastor, theologian, scholar, first black queer trans senator from Connecticut, maybe Governor, and more. I dream of opening a school for foster care youth that gives them their life back, keeps them connected with their siblings, and gives them the opportunity not to be a statistic. I want to be a professor at community colleges not for the money but to show the students who believed they couldn’t make it that there is so much more to life and you (they) can do this.

    I dream of hearing the words “dada. papa”

    as my therapist says, none of this can happen if I’m dead. So I’m just holding onto the cross, worshipping at the feet of Christ, praying for strength, humility, serenity, and happiness.

    End.

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  • NicA Step One–> Reflection

    20 Jun 2024
    Truth & Foster Care

    -WE admitted we were powerless over nicotine-> that our lives had become unmanageable

    – I Xih-Zephyrine Ziggy Zih admit I am/was powerless over nicotine that my life had become unmanageable.

    I am control addict and to admit that a common and socially acceptable drug has power over me is hard. It’s true, however. I wasn’t vaping to be cool or acceptable. I vaped to chase a high as any other drug addict. There is no difference between me and a heroin, crack, and/or alcoholic. I am a addict. Powerless for the moment bu tt not forever.. Vaping impacted my bulimia, increased my anxiety, heightened my depression. made my schizophrenia worse and increased my social phobias.

    Xih, why were you vaping?

    It was to escape life, the hell of life, being parentless, accepting being trans, accepting being a black gay man,; escaping from the realization that I don’t have a family, holidays I am alone, school isn’t easy sometimes; this warmth, head dizziness, light headness, and euphoria I would get when my lungs skipped a breath, heart palpitations, and being on the brink of death was a thrill and I a risk I was going to take and wouldn’t stop vaping until I experienced all these bodily dying functions and sensations.

    I was killing myself. Xih, do you really want this to be your way out at age 32? I am powerless, I am an addict.

    Nictotine was my God, when my God says, “Thou shall not have any others gods before me.” Yahweh, I am sorry.

    Vaping was:

    better than sex

    greater than food

    greater than love

    greater than my education

    greater than my fellowship

    greater than my church

    even greater than my savior my behavior displayed.

    Until no. I quit on June 4, 2024 when God revealed to me viz scripture in the book of Ephesians that I have an addiction, and there was a God who saw my flaws opened my eyes and saud, “I love you this much that I want you to serve me, whole, clean and sober.

    “You journey your testimony is a visual representation of my love and mercy. M<y grace is sufficient for enough for you, just like it was with the Apostle Paul, this is your thorn. Only via my Holy spirit I will remove it and I promise.” says the Lord

    I love the Lord, for he first loved me.

    Step One.

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  • Hope Matters

    10 Jun 2024
    Truth & Foster Care

    Psalm 71: David Says: 

    1-3 I run for dear life to God,
        I’ll never live to regret it.
    Do what you do so well:
        Get me out of this mess and up on my feet.
    Put your ear to the ground and listen,
        give me space for salvation.
    Be a guest room where I can retreat;
        you said your door was always open!
    You’re my salvation—my vast, granite fortress.

    4-7 My God, free me from the grip of Wicked,
        from the clutch of Bad and Bully.
    You keep me going when times are tough—
        my bedrock, God, since my childhood.
    I’ve hung on you from the day of my birth,
        the day you took me from the cradle;
        I’ll never run out of praise.
    Many gasp in alarm when they see me,
        but you take me in stride.

    8-11 Just as each day brims with your beauty,
        my mouth brims with praise.
    But don’t turn me out to pasture when I’m old
        or put me on the shelf when I can’t pull my weight.
    My enemies are talking behind my back,
        watching for their chance to knife me.
    The gossip is: “God has abandoned him.
        Pounce on him now; no one will help him.”

    12-16 God, don’t just watch from the sidelines.
        Come on! Run to my side!
    My accusers—make them lose face.
        Those out to get me—make them look
    Like idiots, while I stretch out, reaching for you,
        and daily add praise to praise.
    I’ll write the book on your righteousness,
        talk up your salvation all day long,
        and never run out of good things to write or say.
    I come in the power of the Lord God,
        I post signs marking his right-of-way.

    17-24 You got me when I was an unformed youth,
        God, and taught me everything I know.
    Now I’m telling the world your wonders;
        I’ll keep at it until I’m old and gray.
    God, don’t walk off and leave me
        until I get out the news
    Of your strong right arm to this world,
        news of your power to the world yet to come,
    You’re famous and righteous
        ways, O God.
    God, you’ve done it all!
        Who is quite like you?
    You, who made me stare trouble in the face,
        Turn me around;
    Now, let me look life in the face.
        I’ve been to the bottom;
    Bring me up, streaming with honors;
        turn to me, be tender to me,
    And I’ll take up the lute and thank you
        to the tune of your faithfulness, God.
    I’ll make music for you on a harp,
        Holy One of Israel.
    When I open up in song to you,
        I let out lungsful of praise,
        My Rescued Life is a song.
    All day long, I’m chanting
        about you and your righteous ways,
    While those who tried to do me in
        slink off, looking ashamed.

     

     

    I love this scripture, especially after my pastor preached it today. It says my hope is in the Lord, I look upon the Lord, Lord, I rely upon you, Lord, I need you to survive. I can’t make it without you, and I can’t live this life without you. I can’t survive sobriety without you. I can’t survive daily life without it. Lord, without there is no meaning; with you, Oh Lord, In you I have my being. Save me from me, Oh Lord. Live within me, and do not remove your Holy Spirit from me. That is equivalent to not living at all, and Oh, savior, my redeemer, I need you to survive. 

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  • Wholeness b4 Christmas

    24 Dec 2023
    faith

    This Christmas is different from any Christmas that I have every experienced before.

    For I feel the Christ in the “mas”

    I feel the sweet, kind, angelic, and peacefulness of the Christ’s Holy Spirit.

    Over the past year I joined ECV and God had helped heal from much bitterness, susuicidaility, anger, feeling misunderstood, fatigue, depression, anxiety, anger within heart and soul.

    I experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit and I’m still trans.

    His holy peace has encapsuled me and transfigured me

    My friends, I feel whole and something that was once scary I feel so much joy now

    I’ve been able to reflect my wrongs over the years and my rights and

    realize–>GOD STILL LOVE’S ME SO!

    I’m never to far away where he cannot bring me back

    Nor to far away where I cannot recognize his voice.

    Through my church my inner child is healing and being released.

    Through the openess of my pastors I am observing what health families are

    I want to dedicate this blog in thanks to Jesus and his ultimate sacrfice.

    Second, I want to dedicate this blog to Pastor Josh and Tina for inviting me to home groups letting me see them love their children in a healthy way, and for Pastor Josh redefining what it means to be a man and what it doesnt. Speaking life into me, not judging me for panic attacks, hallucinations, having to bring my rabbit to home group.

    Third to my God Mom and Pop Kennedy’s for taking on another grownish child lol. On a serious note for listening to me, hugging me, praying with me, texting me, giving me covid or me giving it to them lol, (another blog another day), and for opening their home to me. To thier children for sharing their parents and being willing to get to know me.

    Lastly to the my God Aunt and Uncle the Mangler’s for having an open ear, teaching home group, listening and never judging and always giving great hugs and operating in the gift of encouragement, and knowledge. I’m grateful.

    Wholeness and limitless are my words for 2024!

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  • I meant to die at 25. I’m 32: The God of SECOND chance!

    25 Aug 2023
    faith, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Truth & Foster Care

    7 years ago I told my psychiatrist I was going to kill myself by age 25. She’s my aunty now. She told me to give her a chance. I was tired, homeless, dirty, hungry and lonely. However I did! Thank God I did.

    It had been my plan since I was about 8 years old first taken into foster care to never return to my twin or mom again. When I experienced years of rape, molestation and beatings and was often hungry. I thought 25 is my golden birthday because I was born on the 25th of August in 1991. I thought to myself no one cared nor will I be missed. My mother father and family forsaked me. My grandmother was dying. I was arguing with my mentor. Unable to keep a job, living in a Crisis Shelter. Then a form of residential program. While doing my undergrad degree online.

    I couldn’t find God. And felt far away. See I’m transgender raised in a Baptist family I knew if my grandma knew I couldn’t live with the thought ofin the process of her dying and disowning me. I never knew starting testosterone would relieve the dysphoria and I would grow into a man. I thought God disowned me until I stepped into a conversation with my spiritual mentor who said God can still use me.

    I questioned if God would love me. If I could dance before him again. I wondered if there would be a church where my wounds could be healed. 6 years ago my brother at funeral my brother grabbed me so hard and said “I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, I wish you were dead.” This is my twin who I shared the same womb with. My aunts but some were abusive growing up. My aunt told me “you’re no better than your mom, you deserved to be raped.” My cousin would beat me up everyday after school and said one day “at least my mom loves me.” At age 15 my birth mom said “you don’t have to call me mom, for I don’t know how to love you.” I had a church family that spoke life into me but when I came out transgender and started my transition and then pansexual they wanted nothing to do with me. This always happened around my birthday.

    Growing up in foster care, then a forever family kicking me out not caring what happened to me. As long as I was no longer their problem. Because I was tiring while I was suffering from a mental illness I couldn’t control. Since my former foster mom kicked me out ever year I ask for a hug for my birthday and she says “no”. She’ll buy me groceries but won’t hug me. I can’t see the difference between my biological mom and her because for both of them I was disposable.

    This was my life.

    WAS!!!

    I gave my aunt aprn who is the warmest human and kind soul a chance. My therapist John. My family Continuum of Care a chance. My life changed. I was placed on social security I had food stamps and my first apartment. Then I got a bunny and I had someone to love.

    Your family is your chosen one and mine is unique.

    I always struggled with food insecurity and a eating disorder. Now I have belly and and bald head and I’m ok! Somedays. But often still go hungry.

    I started to follow God again. By listening to sermons of Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen. A seed was being sown. I graduated from under grad. I eventually got a one bedroom apartment. Where two years in I would be raped by a neighbor. The fear came back from when I was a child. It’s still there.

    I found my true forever home at Elm City Vineyard. Pastor Patrick and Pastor Josh and Pastor Kyanna and others changed my life with their sermons of hope, Pride Acceptance, the truth of scripture and allowed me to take communion every Sunday. Elm City Vineyard thank you for becoming my place a refuge. I love you! I love you Pastor Josh and Pastor Patick.

    My mental health changed when I got on the injection. I told my favorite mental health worker and LCSW Danielle “I dont want to see you again unless you are hiring me. ” One year became two than three. I now celebrate 6 years 4 months of being out of the psychiatric hospital.

    God found me a job that I have been able to be effective at and a boss name Joy with a heart. I am open with her and I annoy her. Like I do everyone in a good way and the job became flexible with my mental health and helped me stay employed for a year. I was hired August 24th 2022 and started my first shift August 27th. Worked 200 shifts and made a connection with a client who would change my life. As I helped changed his. Now we share a church home together and both grow to be the best humans we can be. My mentor kept telling me I needed a better job, when she never understood the struggle of keeping a job. Let alone one I was changing lives. Her negativity became toxic and I ended the relationship.

    Change happened, relationships ended, and started. Just a few weeks I asked my forever family to come to church with me and they said no. So I say Good-bye. I’m not going to beg. I have a very unique family but it’s mine. To mentors, friends, old spiritual mentors if you are not for me and speaking life I don’t want you in my life. I can and have made it without you and will continue.

    I’m still on social security and I live in low income housing.

    I started listening to Bishop T.D Jakes afraid of seeing a baptist style church. The seed planted and water by Pastor’s Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen,.. Bishop Jake’s is helping grow along side of ECV.

    Bishop Jake’s most powerful sermons I’ll cherrish are: Tomorrow belongs to God, A Long Ways From Lodebar!, A second Cahnce, A Second Chapter, I have Permission, Conception of Faith I&II and It’s worth Wait. I’m listening everydy every morning every evening.

    In yet the eve of my birthday I was going to kill myself 7 years later after overcoming so much. I felt my past bearing over me. I missed my grandma. I felt alone didn’t want to post on FB about it. I was just going to overdose. Then I came to my senses and realize 7 years ago what I believed and how much has changed. How much I gained. the teachings of Jesus. I took my meds responsibly and said: TOMORROW BELONGS TO GOD!

    I know I won’t be in poverty forever, food insecurity wont be my future, lack and struggle will not be my strugglefor much loner. This 32nd year is a year of Triumpth, Deliverance, Healing, Restoration, Peace, Success, I will gradute with my masters in Psychology. I will get into Yale School of Divinity and bear witness to the Glory of God. How he can take a forgotten nobody and make them a somebody. I will live in house I did not build. A sermon is in my story. I will affrim my faith through baptism. I’m not gong to live in fear. I’m liberated and free. Bipolar and all!!!! I am my own worst enemy and with Jesus there’s a future for me. By Jesus Chirst I’m justified. By Jesus Christ I was brought from death to life. By Jesus Christ alone through his willing vessels I am alive. By Jesus Christ alone I am free, alive, and I have my hope in my tomorrow for a better tomorrow and future. Tomorrow Belong to God!

    This is the story of a God of Second Chance. Happy Brithday 32nd to me and many more. In Jesus Name, Amen

    • Domenia Xih Zih
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  • Public Speaking

    13 Aug 2023
    faith, Great Quotes By Ordinary People

    Jeremiah 1:1-5

    Speak your peace

    How do we

    Speak your fear out loud

    We speak when we feel the tangible love of God

    We doubt

    When He says believe

    You are my child He say and you are qualified

    Overcome your fear of compairson, going without, lonelieness and guilt

    let down your defense it’s time to forgive

    Move forward not backwards

    Embrace my love

    See my word as truth

    Before there was you, there was I

    I knew you before you knew me and I know the you that you have yet to know

    Say not I am to young, queer, trans, LGBTQIA, BIPOC, rich or poor you are My child and I will walk with you as My friend

    I am your rescuer go and speak your peace

    Speak faith, liberation, continuity, love and know I am your friend

    My words are yours

    Your lips are there made righteous before the angels and when you speak they sound as music to the heavens

    I am yours and YOU are mine

    I am your friend and not dictator

    Your beloved

    Sunrise and sunset

    Food of the earth

    Water from the springs

    laughter from a child

    hug from a mother

    You are worthy

    I am he not human as you are made of clay

    I am the potter you have yet to be molded into the you; you will be

    So speak my child

    Speak my friend

    It’s YOUR time

    Speak!

    https://youtu.be/Uag0p4dUh34https://youtu.be/Uag0p4dUh34
    Speechless Isreal and New Breed
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  • I feel a fight!

    11 Aug 2023
    faith, Great Quotes By Ordinary People

    I feel a fight in my spirit

    I feel a fight for recovery

    There’s a fight for thriving and not just surviving

    Bipolar and Schizophrenia may be what I was diagnosed with but it will not consume me

    I feel the fight to keep fighting

    I feel hope

    Through the highs and lows, my cup does not run empty

    There is always a sunrise in the morning

    Always rain for the flowers

    Always sunshine for after the storm

    There is always a fight in this life and we were all given different lots but there is a key and it is to keep fighting

    DO NOT let the fight beat you

    Because before there was a dream there was persistence and a fight

    Before we knew why the caged bird sang there was a fight for a voice and a passion for the written word

    Before there was salvation there was a cross

    I feel freedom

    I feel liberty

    I feel my strength coming back to me

    Can’t be complacent and expect a handout, no, there is a fight for success and to make a dream into a reality

    I feel love the love of God shining through this depression

    The love of God overcoming this disorder

    The love of God setting me free and gave me my liberty

    Pick up your cross and follow Jesus said

    He didn’t say it wouldn’t be heavy nor that the walk wouldn’t be long

    As long as you (I) keep walking my cup will eventually run over

    God is the God of Also

    God is the God of Again

    God is the God of already

    While we are in our not-yet, God is already here

    Fight on!

    You’ll always win!

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  • Be encouraged!-We all need a tribe

    6 Aug 2023
    faith, Journal Style!, Topic Thought.

    We were not meant to live this life alone.

    We were not meant to suffer alone.

    We were not meant to cry, go hungry, and be in pain alone.

    Likewise, we were not meant to experience joy, laughter, and happiness alone.

    I struggle with severe mental health from different personalities, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and autism and sometimes I feel like I too suffer alone.

    But it’s not the truth.

    We all need a tribe Pastor Kyanna said on Sunday

    We all need a place to belong, a place of worship, a place of relationship, and a place of being

    Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually.

    I’m a Christian and I know from my bible not even Jesus walked alone, there was someone to help him carry the cross, even when he died and surrendered his last breath with another human too.

    If Jesus needed someone so do WE!

    I only get hugs on Sundays. I don’t get kisses. My last family hug was from my Aunt Sue. My pastors hug me, my therapists hug me and supernaturally God hugs me. But honestly, it’s still not enough.

    I had a meltdown this past Friday in between personas and hallucinations; it was a dark and scary moment. I cried and today Sunday 2:58am tears still flow. I went hungry for 4 days. Only water to fill my stomach. A minister gave me money for food I ordered through Walmart and my order was put on hold, eventually cancelled and it takes 10 days to get my money back. I was weak, tired, angry, sad, feeling empty and self-pity.

    I went to work with a smile, went to church with a smile, and heard a sermon like many from ECV that changed my life.

    We are not meant to do this thing, this experiment is called life alone. Life is hard, life is complicated and we need each other.

    It shouldn’t be about our politics, Trump or Biden, faiths, sexual orientation, sexual identity or income or educational advancements

    We need to be human and connect and listen to everyone who is hurting. You never know what you are going through until you walk in someone else’s shoes.

    The average person wouldn’t think I struggle with food insecurity, mental health, and loneliness if you met me. I excel in school but the average person would not know how hard I work.

    It’s not about our limitations and it shouldn’t be an excuse but we all know the struggle is real.

    My heart is in this post because on Friday I realized I don’t remember the last time I was held when I cried maybe when my grandma held me in the absence of my mother. I have mom figures but no mom. I have a foster mom, god mom, and spiritual mom and when I asked just for a hug for my birthday they all said “no”. I have no father and my twin brother and I are estranged for the better.

    So I struggle alone then I realized that it was a choice. I have a tribe from my trans bros to my church. It’s a unique tribe but it’s mine.

    Be encouraged and find your tribe, be loyal a giver, and a receiver. That’s why I get so happy when I’m a thither because I’m giving back to my home church that pours life into me.

    Suicide comes to mind sometimes and I wonder who will plant my tree with my ashes. Then I think of life and my ancestors and how I am the answer to four generations ago a great-grandmother and father I am an answered prayer of a former slave. Then I say to myself push on.

    I want to live abundantly without lack and financial struggles and I feel like those days coming sooner rather than later. Be encouraged and encourage yourself.

    Be encouraged and live on

    Be encouraged and call on your tribe. Call on your God. Call on Jesus. Buddha. Alah whomever you worship. I’m not here to condemn. We all have our own journey but call on your tribe.

    I hope this post encouraged you. As it set me free to write it.

    Blessings.

    -Domenia Xih Zih

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  • Pastors Patrick and Josh

    26 Jun 2023
    Truth & Foster Care

    Dear Pastors Patrick and Josh,

    I wanted to say thank you. I’ve just gone through the most challenging time of my life I sent a text message in the middle of the night and you two called me in the morning. To inquire about my health, spiritual health, and mental health; also my safety.

    There have never been men Pastors in my life who have reached out to my life, poured into my life, and prayed with and for me before like you two. I consider you both my spiritual fathers. I look up to you and as I one day walk through Ministry I hope to be as great a man as you two are.

    Pastor Patrick, you were my first hug in months, and a second hug came, Pastor Josh. Your hugs are embracing and your prayers strengthen me and give me faith that I am not in this fight alone.

    I pray God Blesses You abundantly, in all areas of your life as fathers, pastors, workers, leaders, husbands, and more. May God set a table before you and bless you immensely, May God Bless you so much you never want or need for anything in your life and that you will ever are provided for in all capacities.

    My blog reaches many readers from around the world and I want them to all know your names. You’ve inspired me and challenged me as a transman to want better, do better and dream bigger. To not chase after worldly things but the will of God. God put me at ECV for a reason and I’m still discovering why but every Sunday when you preach I am shown more and more.

    It doesn’t mean to be a Pastor a preach you have to holler, speak in tongues like T.D. Jakes, be loud like Pastor Steven Furtick. My two favorite preachers beside Lisa Harper and Keion Henderson. You have your own craft, awful dad jokes (Pastor Patrick) lol, calmness, and sensitivity. You preach with conviction and passion and I feel like every time I’m listening I’m having a conversation with Jesus himself. That’s a gift from God, Yahweh, Yeshua, El Shaddai, and Jehovah Jireh Himself. No one can take away your anointing and the call on your life.

    ECV and these two men never judged me for being transgender they didn’t preach about how I was going to hell they preached the Gospel of Jesus and it is changing me from the inside out as a transgender, and pansexual man. You don’t judge me for my sins when I confess you say instead you two often say “let us take it to the Father in Heaven.”

    Your wives are mentors to me as they lead worship while the kids are jumping over them and they don’t rebuke them they encourage your children to be who they are going to be in Jesus! God loves them, your children, and YOU!

    I love you and am proud to see you as a father in the spirit. As we say in the Baptist/Pentecostal Church. Which really means mentors in the faith. I pray that when I begin to start preaching during and after Seminary that I am as passionate and dynamic as your selves. Thank you for helping me to see to take my problems to the cross, to carry my cross, and to LIVE, LAUGH, PLAY, REST, and MEDITATE in my faith.

    So be encouraged when you have hard days, hard emotions, your kids are more active, knowing that your impact is changing the City of New Haven and myself. I love you guys and wanted to surprise you when you wake up with a public appreciation blog.

    Be strong in the Lord always. He is your Rod and Staff and will comfort you. He is your guide and is making your roadway clear. thank you again and thank you ECV.

    • domenia zih
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  • Being Raped, as a Transman!

    18 Jun 2023
    Truth & Foster Care

    I had been molested as a child for many years. As a child, I was abused, molested, and almost killed. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically neglected. I never saw the future. I always prayed to get through the day until I had a “divine intervention.”

    Last night I was raped and discarded by a neighbor. I called Planned Parenthood and was rejected. I called my queer clinic and was seen the very next morning. I still haven’t showered all the way; it’s been almost 24 hrs. I called my pastors, aunts, my brothers, and sisters; but no one answered. I called on my trans brothers, and they texted me till morning. I called my mentor and woke her baby bear up, and she texted me till morning. I texted everyone I knew and told them what happened. In the morning, people thankfully reached out. I didn’t want sympathy. I just wanted prayer. Because I’ve been here before as a 5 year through age 8; all I knew was prayer.

    I felt that by being touched and thrusted, bent over, then discarded by a man that I was less than a man because I had a vagina and a beard. Though I look like a man, a part of me someone had taken advantage of. A part of me could still become pregnant. A part of me was stolen a portion of me thouht I was to blame. I felt shame, disgust, loneliness, and grief. I felt invaluable because I had to get examined. Then the doctor said to me, “This h to cis men too. Body parts don’t make you less than a man it is your mind, body, soul, and heart that makes you who you are.”

    I was given antibiotics PREP and PEP. I went home in pain, my pelvis still in pain, I can’t really walk physically. I wasn’t but I listened to the wisdom of an old man named Bishop T.D Jakes and a younger man named Pastor Keion Henderson, and another man named Pastor Steven Furtick. Felt peace as the word of God was being preached, I realized I had had a “divine intervention.”

    I keep saying to everyone I must leave these impoverished areas, get off food stamps and social security. Because what was a help (besides SSDI) is a hindrance. Then Bishop T.D. Jakes said, “We are broken, blessed, then we are given.”Life breaks us (or attempts), and then there is a holy brokenness and then “divine intervention.” Then you are blessed and you are given. Given means you pour into the life of others, and when you pour into the life of other people, it then life is given back to you (me)!

    People tell me to press charges, call and go to the ER. I’ve done that before and was called a liar. I went to an LGBTQIA+ clinic and was believed. It’s not my job to get even. Justice was given to me when Jesus died for me. Justice was given to me when I believe that angels heard my cry and let me escape with life. Many trans people who are raped are either then killed or killed themselves. “Divine Intervention.”

    I always saw a lack in my life not seeing all God blessed me with, a job, a great boss whom I love with the Love of Christ, and her name’s Joy, a mentor when I was homeless, bought me clothes, food, a coat, and gave me money. I can’t fit the coat anymore but I’ll never give it away for it is a reminder of where I’ve come from. To this abuser, I forgive you. I choose not to report him because he is mentally ill and has a seizure disorder, and I don’t want him in jail where he will get no care nor on the streets homeless. Because I know what it’s like to be dirty, with no food, begging for a dollar to buy water from Dunkin Donuts, taking a bath in the ocean with soap from the dollar store, and sleeping in a park. Where people are having sex, shooting up, drugs carrying weapons, and knives! I couldn’t wish that on a soul. I do pray he specifically finds Jesus Chris the Risen One and his heart, and mind are healed. That’s what you call justice.

    I live in the hood, but, I have my life. I live in the atmosphere of poverty but it is not who I am. I know these are training days, and I will be delivered. I will buy a home, get married, start my own company, be a TRANS MINISTER. I will get accepted to Yale Seminary and graduate top of my class. I will graduate from WNMU with an MSW and MBA. I’m not gonna give up because I’m hungry some nights, I’m not gonna give up because I go cold in the winter, I’m not gonna give up because a man raped another man. I’m not gonna give up because I’m bipolar, schizophrenic and transgender, and pansexual. If anything I’m going to fight harder and dedicate myself to studying the word of God, volunteer at my church, I’m going to pray and pray to the God I serve without fear, I’ll be able to walk and run again without pain, and will fight for my future. Though, I battle thoughts of shame, fear, and sadness.

    There’s a scripture in the bible that says, “Weeping may endure for but JOY comes in the morning and My morning is coming I can feel and see the sun. There’s another scripture that says, “I will reap if I faint not.” Another scripture says, I will soar with wings like an eagle, walk and not be weary, run and not faint.” The Bible isn’t a book that says queer people, drug addicts, gamblers, etc., are going to hell. and there is no hope for them. Quite the contrary Jesus says, “I have hopes and dreams for your future.” Jesus says, “To believe in Him, He will give you life and life more abundantly. I was just raped and am still .bleeding, and I have hope and joy for my future. I’m sent here to tell all those who ar,e queer, lesbian, gay, transgender, asexual, nonbinary, agender, questioning, or bisexual that Jesus loves you, approves of you and you are his CHILD whom he is well pleased with. You can be a believer and a preacher, you will reach your goals, and before you die if you believe that he died, rose on the third day, repent (just mean to be, honest about where you are in life, not that you did something wrong) your life will be full of joy in the midst of every struggle. You will reach fulfillment and live in eternity in heaven. Live to see old age!

    I feel the Holy Spirit on this post. I believe that my being stripped, naked raped without a condom ad then told to leave was meant to add to my testimony and not defeat me or make me bitter. But for me to have the courage to spread it with the world 24 hrs later and say, God is real. God didn’t do this to me, but, He (Jesus) will use my pain for glory days. I’m covered by angels. I feel my helper and he is always near. I am not abandoned. I will find love and make love. I will be a father, to 5 children from different nations. My business will reach nationally and internationally, and I will leave my children’s, children an inheritance, and make my ancestors in heaven proud/. I will die at 100. See my grandma, and say, “Mama, I made a difference and made God proud.”

    I’m a writer, businessman, entrepreneur, preacher, and teacher. I’m a scholar and will touch and preach to LGBTQIA+ people the hope of God in Christ and see generations of foster care children’s lives change, build a school, for the learning disabled, and LGBTQ kids safe. I will start scholarships, help change institutional and poverty mindsets; to freedom mindsets, and make them believers in themselves. I just got a revelation Poverty isn’t only where I live but it is where my mind is at!

    God just gave me “DIVINE INTERVENTION”.

    Be Blessed

    -Domenia Xih Zih

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  • Black Beauty <3

    31 May 2023
    Being African American, faith, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Topic Thought.

    Dear Readers,

    there is beauty in being Black. I never saw this my whole life until I started attending Elm City Vineyard church. I was captive by this young baby only 2 wearing a white dress and a mini afro. She was free. It set me free into my own beauty. I wanted to tell her you are beautiful and now that I know her mom who is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen I’m seeing and loving my own black beauty.

    When I was female, I was never told you are beautiful. I was told your too dark go wash your face. I remember telling my grandma who took a washcloth with bleach to scrub my face and I said “Grandma, grandma I’m just dark.” That’s how I ever saw myself as just “dark” until I met this baby playing with toys and my eyes cried because I saw Jesus through her and she was just being herself a child playing with other children and unaware of the power she holds because she is the reflection of the creator himself. I wish I was taught this.

    At home in the mirror just pj’s and said, “You are handsome, beautiful, radiant, and chosen.” I wept. I felt this impression in my soul saying, “I hear you, I’ve always heard you, and I am near you.”

    Sunday, I saw another young black girl who made a mistake, and her mother went over simply kissed her cheeks, nose, and forehead; and the child went playing. I felt Jesus giving me the kiss of a father and mother that I have never gotten. I felt my inner child finally begin to heal.

    Then I noticed this strong voice singing in the worship team, giving God her all so beautiful, lovely, and pure. I felt drawn to her in a spiritual and when I learned her name and her daughter’s name. I realized the first little afro I saw was her Princess, and she was the baby girl’s Queen. I prayed that night before I knew her name Lord send me a Surrenity. To love and hold, to grow old with, to have children of different races, and raise a kingdom of many nations. I later found out that the mother’s name was Surrenity.

    I didn’t make a mistake in spelling her name for that is how she spells it, and God placed an impression on my heart and questioned my rationale and intellect with when, will you Surrender so I can send you a king or queen to loved and behold, marvel at their beauty and raise a multi-ethnic family of many nations? My answer today simple and yet complex: Dear Lord God of the heavens my answer is “now, and yes.”

    There’s a sermon bubbling within me. There are messages I have to preach for all young beauties Kings and Queens to listen then see. I have a word from God swelling in my heart, the Holy Spirit swelling and jumping in my soul. A message for the nation for the LGBTQIA+ nation not to condemn; however, to say who you love is not wrong, who you become to be is “beautiful” but that theres was once a man who died on a wooden cross for you to see yourself as beautiful and not mistake! To see yourself a noble person, a chosen person, and a whole person.

    I, as a transgender man, was fragmented for so long and ‘n some ways still am. But I know my calling. I hear the Lord saying “this is the way; walk in it.” I hear the voice within myself saying “I see you, I hear you and I need you.” My simp[e and complex answer to this God that I have never seen but His Holy Spirit within I witness first to myself in saying “yes and amen!”

    This all started with a beautiful young princess and her Queen her Momma! That God is saying to me “yes, you I choose you” I’m not the best writer and there are often grammar mistakes but I want my readers to know I write from my soul for it is my voice. I want readers to know You are Chosen and Will be made whole. For thy God is with you, and he’ll leave the 99 for you the 1!

    -Domenia

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  • Elm City Vineyard! God’s place of residence!

    24 May 2023
    Truth & Foster Care
    Elm City Vineyard is my church. The people who attend are my brothers and sister and non-binary siblings. I come from an abusive background, raped, molested, and beaten for 16 years. My aunts were always drinking, my cousins smoking weed, and I was reminded by the aunts and uncles that I was supposed to feel safe with that “my mother doesn’t love me, I deserved to be raped, that’s why I am in foster care.” I remember vividly being raped at 6 years old and sodomized with a gun to my head and looking at my mom and she walked away. My mom would beat me until I bled and then only then say it’s because I love you. My twin brother was a terror. If I didn’t do what he said, he would threaten to kill our own mother. He abused me, beat me, and would laugh and say, “That’s why mommy loves me more.” I’ll never forget the day my grandmother choked me, and before I blacked out my aunt said, “Ma, you are killing her.” I ended up in the hospital, at age 11. My cousins would beat me naked. My aunt one day when I was 14 called me a little girl, pushed me against the wall, and started to beat me up and I finally fought back. I reported to my DCF in emails all the abuse, and she would say that because I’m bipolar and heard voices, I wasn’t meant for a family, and when I did have a family, I messed up and was mentally ill. I was kicked out of my home at 24 when I was in a psych ward and told not to returnn. I slept on the streets, and on the beach where I showered in the ocean. I developed hypoglycemia because I couldn’t afford food. I moved to NC to experience trauma. I moved back to Connecticut and had nowhere to go. I was asked, “Can you go back to your grams?” I did and slept on the floor with a sheet. I ate only tuna fish because of my allergies. I worked but wasn’t stable enough to keep a job. It wasn’t until Continuum of Care took me under their wing, through Jesus I was protected and given a shelter home. I moved into independent living with staff but couldn’t afford it, and eventually, I moved into my own apartment, where I saw drugs, addicts, sex, overdoses, and death. I moved and am still seeing it. Then I asked God for a church home where I would feel safe at least one day a week, a job where I would be valued, not judged if I had to be hospitalized, and a compassionate boss. God granted me my request. I work for an amazing company, and I love my clients. I work hard and am learning that August 24, 2023, will make a year of stable employment. My boss has an open heart, is kind and respectful. I am a MSW student at Western New Mexico University and I am excelling. Elm City Vineyard is a diverse church of races, mixed families, and different orientations of people and I am accepted as a man. I see beautiful young African Queens and I tell their parents their daughters are beautiful, and their hair is perfect. I met a young woman with a daughter, and I told her to tell her every day that she is beautiful and today I called her a queen. Her mom told me how she picked out a fancy dress for daycare. Her mom is a singer and she doesn’t know, Elm City Vineyard doesn’t know that they are healing my inner child, and I feel God ever more present in my life. I celebrated May 20, 2023, with 6 years of no psychiatric hospitalizations and 6 years of not being homeless on May 21st, 2023. Boy, the old Baptist saying I was glad when they said unto me let us go into the house of the Lord. It is my anthem of praise. I love my church and pastors. When I saw a young Black girl making a mistake during service, her mom went over to her and kissed her. I felt God hugging me and giving me the kisses, I’d never received. I bring my client to church and Elm City Vineyard is healing them too. I love this church because they are accepting but preach the true word of God in a tangible and relatable way. God no longer feels like a God in space but a friend that is near. God is who I am dependent on. I rely on him for resources. Food, and I want to honor him with my life. Elm City Vineyard challenges me to better myself and to be a better person to the world around me. I know instead of a Ph.D. I want to go to Seminary at Yale Seminary University. Pastor Josh and Patrick have a yearning for the people, I don’t know the other pastors by name, but there is this one woman who works with the kiddos, and I admire her and thank her in my heart. One day I’ll tell her. I am reaffirming my faith through baptism soon. I hope to be a full member of Elm City Vineyard. I already feel like I’m family. If God never blesses me again, a church home was the medicine I needed all along. Thank you, Elm City Vineyard, for the past two months. I love you and your community. I love you because you love God and put the people and community first. To the young kings and queens grow in the Lord you’ll never regret it. To the mother of this princess, thank you for pouring into my life and the recent conversations we have had. I plan to grow in friendship with you in Christ. Elm City Vineyard is a rare beauty and a glimpse of heaven. As Pastor Josh’s wife preached my first Sunday there titled: what’s the point? I finally found an answer within myself God is the point and shepherding his people. The End
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  • But, God!

    22 Aug 2022
    Truth & Foster Care

    I wasn’t supposed to be alive. But, God

    I had a plan to kill myself by the age of 25. But, God

    I thought my mental illness, homelessness, and lack of family would be my end. But, God

    I had given up hope and was dying. But, God

    I was dirty, sick, and a lost sheep. But, God

    I had ruined all relationships, went into debt, and squandered almost everything I had. But, God

    I had turned to alcohol and smoking cig to mask my pain. But, God

    But, God!

    But, God never gave up on me when my parents did.

    But, God never gave up on me when the church preached who I loved and was were an abomination.

    But, God saw me through each suicide attempt

    But, God got me through each emotional breakdown

    But, God created my treatment team

    But, God saw me through the death of my only grandmother

    But, God is seeing me through the lack of my families existence

    But, God is providing for me during this financial hardship

    But, God united me with a mentor who would treat me like her son ever on our hard days, who is pure joy and goodness and a husband who has been a protector and comforter 

    But, God connected me with Dr. Rev Barnes to worship, pray and cheer each other on like mother and son

    But, God connected me with Dr. Kate through knowledge and university

    But, God gave me back my parents

    But, God gave me medication that has saved my life. Helped me reach stability.

    But, God helped me graduate from PBA

    But, God helped me get accepted to IWU, now WNMU

    But, God saw my end from my beginning. Nothing was a surprise to him. He knew I’d make, and He knows I’m a world changer and history maker just beginning.

    Now, God will continue to see me through.

    Now, God will bring my hopes, dreams, and more than I can imagine to reality.

    Now, God is my hope for tomorrow and my reason to wake up for the future.

    Now, God is and always has been the source of my testimony, and I refuse to be shamed not to share it, for He’s never been ashamed of me and not bless me and be there for me. If you think your reading or being a part of my life is by luck, you’re wrong. You were divinely placed for this specific time before the world of creation began. God has a future for you, and He loves you. He, too, is waiting for you to realize like I have your “But, God” moment.

    I have realized that without God, I’d be dust, and with God, I can do everything.

    I’ll be 31 in 4 days. This, according to my plans, wasn’t meant to be. But, God!

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  • Stability isn’t linear.

    14 Aug 2022
    Truth & Foster Care

    Dear Friends,

    I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

    I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

    I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

    I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

    Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

    6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

    So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

    Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

    My medication and organization




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  • Everything’s going to be ok!

    6 Aug 2022
    Truth & Foster Care

    The songs writer says:

    “Everything going to be ok.”

    “At the worst”

    “At it’s most don’t be afraid”

    “Sometimes faith has growing pain!”

    I think about my life and how I lost my job, and I’m back, relying on God’s provision via food stamps and social security.

    I ponder and look every day for jobs.

    Funds are low, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.

    I have a decision to make. I can be fearful, live in worry, or live in faith

    I choose faith, optimism and life

    Everything’s going to be ok.

    Everything has always been ok. Even at it’s worst I don’t have to be afraid

    My hope isn’t in this world but in a supernatural God empowered by His Holy Spirit and I live in peace

    Everything’s going to be ok.

    Sometimes faith has growing pain.

    Faith doesn’t grow when things are going great, but in times of uncertainty, times of doubt, and trepidation

    The pain of faith can be a catalyst or antagonist

    Faith can push you into divine moment if you allow it

    When you allow it pursue those moments ferociously

    I refuse to die with my dreams inside of me

    I rather die knowing I tried then not to have tried at all

    The song writer says

    “I tried and I tried”

    “But with God one myside”

    “I keep overcoming in this life”

    “He’s the prize”

    “With God through it all”

    “Everything’s going to be ok!”

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  • Think on this!

    5 Aug 2022
    Truth & Foster Care

    Philippians 4:8-9 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Put it into practice. And the God God of peace will be with you.

    Think on what is true. Ignore the lies spoken over your life or the lives of your loved ones and friends. Speak true things that they may become power. You are more than enough. You are equipped for every battle you face. You are well able. You are strong and victorious. You can accomplish your dreams. You are a world changer and history maker. Think on these things, for they are true!

    Think on what is noble. You are distinguished and set apart. You were not created to live an average, mediocre life. You were not designed to just live. You were created to thrive and succeed. Lack and struggle are not in your destiny. I believe it in my soul. You were created by a potter who loves every curve, every curl, every skin tone, every texture, and every unique character trait. You were created by a potter who created the universe, knows your end from your beginning, and has plans for your future. Who plans to bring you hope, success, prosperity, happiness, and more. You are a noble person, a holy nation, a royalty, and a unique gem. Please don’t forget your worth.

    Think on what is right! This world is leading toward dictatorship, demagoguery, hate, and bigotry. What is right is freedom and the freedom of free speech, the pursuit of life, liberty, freedom of choice, equality, equity, inclusivity, love, peace, and acceptance. This is what is right! Demand your voices be heard and stand up for injustice; silence is not an option to hate and evil. Be the light in a dark world. This is what is right! This is a command each great leader has given us, from Mother Theresa to Dr. MLK JR. Black lives matter, Love is love. Trans lives matter.

    Think on what is lovely. Love is love. Nature is lovely. Let’s love our earth back to health. Let’s love our mental health again. Let’s love those with addictions again. Let’s love those with autism again. Let’s love our military veterans abroad and home all branches equally again. Let’s love gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary, and queer people again. Let’s love our children again. Let’s love the forgotten. Let’s love our elderly. Let’s love our communities and states again. Let’s love immigrants from all nations; let’s just love again without borders or boundaries. Without limitations and barriers. True love has no walls. I, as a Christian, want to love as Christ loved. For my fellow Christians, that means endless, unconditional, nonjudgmental, no limits, and without prejudice love. It’s empathic, from the soul and Spirit of God himself. That’s the love I want to give to every rich or poor, regardless of race, sexual orientation, disability, veteran status, or religious beliefs. I want to just love you! And I do!

    If anything is excellent or admirable, think on such things. Pop culture is great. Sports are great. The stock market is fine. Fashion is great. Amazon Prime is amazing! 🙂 But all these things are not excellent or admirable. For they do nothing for my soul. What is admirable and excellent is that single parents fighting for their child’s future and working hard. What is admirable and excellent is that students turn down peer pressure to study to go to college or that college students turn down a frat party to research and do an internship. That MSW student on SSDI, trying to find a job while in school, overcoming mental health daily and doing an apprenticeship while choosing to study instead of partying and drinking with friends. (me!) That Pastor or Rabbi gives all they have weekly to their congregation, teaching the lesson of hope and faith. That therapist who overcame addiction is now running acute treatment facilities catering to people like them once battling addiction and mental health and a parent and spouses. That therapist of three juggling being a parent, owning their own practice while climbing the ladder of success. The preacher with two doctorate degrees, two masters, and an undergraduate just wants to spread the news of Jesus and love and is life coach and pours into the hearts of anyone willing to listen to wisdom. And the grandmother, who is a mother of 14, a grandmother of over 50 grandchildren and raised the majority of them, lived her life for God, overcame the great depression and segregation days, saw the first black president elected, and lived a dignified life until she lost her battle to cancer. These are admirable and excellent people, and things they have done to think of. These are people in my life. I know my readers have others they can think of.

    Lastly, I leave with this quick prayer as the Apostle Paul did in Philippians. I pray the God of peace will be with you all the days of your life, and you may begin to believe the things you read and put them into practice.

    -Domenia

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  • Now, You!

    28 Jul 2022
    Truth & Foster Care
    Now I’m alive to tell the story of how I’ve overcome A victor and not a victim written story The truth about my daily struggles and how it’s met with mercy and grace This isn’t a poem. This is more of a narrative written by a broken person being made whole My freedom doesn’t come from the world and doesn’t come from the words of men I’m not lucky, and my resiliency isn’t a genetic default but a gift of His Spirit A gift of His grace To people who read my blog and my writings, times are tough, and relief seems to be a ways away Stay encouraged. Lean on your foundation for dear life. I live paycheck to paycheck I live on food stamps and a monthly gov’t check I never know if my benefits will be cut or continued. But, I lean on supernatural faith. I often have to ask myself whether I buy eggs this week or soymilk I recently lost my job So, understand, you are not alone. This is what I tell myself daily. The creator of the universe understands. Despite the current dilemma, I live with my bills paid, and I have more than enough food. How? I blame Jesus, for he says, “he will never forsake you (me), nor leave you as an orphan” I am writing more of my faith not to push it on people but because it’s my foundation. Who Jesus is to me, Buddha or Allah might be for someone else. I do not have the authority to call any of these deities wrong. They’re essential. I am in a spot to say it’s essential to have a spiritual creator and community to belong to. Even if it’s a community of no faith, a community to belong to is necessary. When we are together, we share the burden of life and strengthen one another. Times are tough, and we shouldn’t go through them alone. I struggle with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and losing my job triggered an episode. It’s hard. Some days I’m energetic. Some days I want to sleep. Many days I feel there isn’t a point to it all. But I actively push through these negative thoughts because of my faith in Jesus and His Holy Spirit. I believe in Scripture. I know if God can be with me on the mountain tops, he is with me in the valley lows. I’ll fear no evil. I wish we would look at each other past the IG and FB pictures, ask what’s in your fridge and cabinets, and get honest about our struggles in life. That’s what people need, not this superficial stuff. It’s not helping us but tearing our souls apart. I’m being honest. I have not been overcome by the words of my testimony. I believe there will be more job opportunities. I will finish this current class with a minimum of an A-. I will stand firm on the rock of my faith, as will you. Be encouraged. Be honest. Be real. You will make it my brothers, my sisters, and nonbinary siblings. I’m praying for you as Jesus prayed for believers. I’m praying that you succeed, your money goes further, you enjoy your family, enjoy your job, find a new job, children and you succeed in school, you come to a flourishing end, you are equipped, well able, anointed, appointed, God loves you, God has grace, mercy for you. You will become all you set your mind, heart, and attitude to become. I’m praying in Jesus’ name over your life, family, career, and children, and you are happy. Be strong; you will walk and not weary; you will walk and not faint. -Amen .
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  • Lament to Ascent

    27 Jul 2022
    Truth & Foster Care

    I lost me

    I look in the mirror, and I see a shell.

    A hollow mere image of a man who once smile

    Did I break or whither in the sun

    I open my mouth and nothing comes out

    There are no more tears to cry

    There is no anger to feel

    My bipolar is raging one moment I’m energetic the next moment I’m lethargic

    I have nothing but body aches and pain

    There is silence, and stillness and I’m desperate for a righteous whisper

    This is my thorn and I was taught where there is a thorn there is grace

    This is my Lament.

    Therefore through the pains, sadness, grief, and disappointment, I will choose another story

    I will listen to the music of worship that lifts up the works of a risen savior

    Therefore through the pains, bipolar manic highs and depressive lows

    I will magnify and glorify the one true God who has seen me through this before.

    I will eat. I will go on a walk. I will talk to my providers. I will speak with my ministers. I will talk with my mentor. I will pour out to those who pour life back into me.

    For God is within the valley as he was with me on the mountain.

    Every day isn’t a rainbow but it sure isn’t rain

    Even when it rains it produces new life. And the rainbow comes to an end.

    I will boast and not post.

    Stand in reverence, awe, and amazement of the creator of all. All his good works and deeds.

    On my worst days are he is still at his best

    On my worst days, he is still really close, closer than a brother and nearer than a friend.

    This is my ascent.

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  • Have a new perspective: You can handle it!

    20 Jul 2022
    faith

    God says in scripture, “weapons may be formed against us, but they will not prosper.

    I am not sure why life hits us so hard. I am unsure why there are diseases, corruption, mass shootings, cancer, or death. Nor do I have the answer for it. I believe in a higher power who has the answer but will not always give it until we go through the trial and gain a new perspective.

    I genuinely believe every trial and circumstance is meant to build us if we allow it. We can sit on the sidelines, have pity, become overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, or make a conscious decision that “I’m going to look at this differently and glean what I can and move onto my next assignment.

    No devil in hell can stop you from reaching your true potential, not poverty, not illness, not disability or circumstances. You can only stop yourself! We are our own worst enemy and that saying is true.

    I was recently fired from a job I loved working with adults with autism, intellectual disabilities, and developmental disabilities who live with co-existing medical and mental illnesses. I worked hard and followed the books. Two weeks before my probation was over, I was let go with the explanation that “I wasn’t a good fit.” I was depressed initially and stopped working out and eating. Then I listened to a sermon and some worship music and realized my job isn’t the source of my identity, nor is it responsible for my happiness. I am, and God alone is. I felt free.

    I also realized there will be other jobs, and my career will continue. My destiny is not over. I am not less of a man, less anointed, less valuable, or unworthy. I am a child of God, his prize possession, the apple of his eye, and he loves me and has a great future planned for me. With more bumps and pit stops ahead. It’s important to remember that it’s a “pit stop and not a pitfall.” I had every right to feel every emotion I was feeling, but that didn’t give me the ok to stop living and have a pity party. If I can survive foster care, survive and live with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and anxiety, be in my first year of an MSW program, and overcome homelessness, I can overcome losing a job. God has gotten me through all that, and I learned so much from this job, about the population I like to work with, the hours I work better at, I gained my CPR/First Aid certification, and learned how to work while living with a mental illness. I gained so much. I’m grateful to God for this experience. If I could do it all over again, I would. I’m not bitter or angry. Nor am I sad. I am at peace with my creator, knowing he is in control and has crowned my life with favor, and my life will go on.

    As will yours! You’re going to make it. Keep dreaming. No dream is too big for the creator to make come true. No goal is out of reach. Nothing is limiting you.

    Have a new perspective: With God, you can, and you will handle this!

    Domenia

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  • State of my UNION

    30 Apr 2021
    Journal Style!, My Story, Topic Thought.

    Dear Tim Scott,

    Great job. Not! Your rebuttal was full of empty words, increased divisiveness between the American people, a disgrace to our black ancestors who blood and sweat built this country lastly I wouldn’t be surprised if you lost the vote and support of every black man and women whom you once inspired; now you’ve been a black sell out for the falsehood of a partisan lie.

    Do you know what it’s like to be poor? Do you know what it’s like to be on food stamps, living on disability, and begging for a opportunity to make it out the hood as a black transgender (FTM) man? Do you know my pain? Do you know what it’s like waiting in a state building for your food stamps renewal to go through? or Medicaid? or Medicare? Try waiting for 3 hours on a good day with kids screaming and crying lines out the door. Poverty looks great, huh!

    Why hinder President Biden?

    Let me tell you and America my story. Raised in foster care. Paid my way through college with loans and scholarships. Hit by a car. Worked years as a barista at Starbucks (are you a vanilla latte-guy?). I have bipolar disorder with anxiety, depression and psychosis. My medication costs more than 3k a month. In yet I studied hard and went to school. With a foster family who loved me on condition. I attempted suicide after the accident and in a mixed episode state my foster parents said they could give me a sleeping bag but I could not come home. I lived on the beach. I showered in the ocean. I was dirty. I stinked. I was poor. To this day without my mentor mommy I would not be able to eat healthy and lose weight if she didn’t give me money for food. I only get 158$ a month for food stamps.My rent is almost 300$ and my disability is 700$. Don’t forget bills! We need the Biden package. People like me! I worked and worked at a restaurant so I could get a free meal. Eventually I joined a program called Continuum of Care, received medicaid, disability, found public housing (still there) and am living with chronic pain from a body that never healed correctly after being hit by a car while riding a bike from work in the rain at night because a white cop gave me an order, threatened me and I obeyed. Because of my obedience I was hit and because of my obedience the cop blamed me for the accident. No parents. Just a mentor who is my mommy. A praying God mother. And Continuum of Care.

    Because of Continuum I have a home, treatment, insurance, and income. Continuum exists because of people like President Biden and Vice President Harris.

    I am now applying for a msw program so I can start a real life and a family. Hopefully find a wife. I dream of starting a program where youth in foster care can age out go to college out of state and have a home to come to, earn a driver’s license, and mentor high school foster youth and have successful and powerful internships in the state of CT; so I can work on breaking the inner city negative poverty mindset. It’s no fun to make it out alone. I want a team!

    President Biden, package yes, is pricey. I know. Work with him. We as America need both parties. Being progressive for me doesn’t mean being democrat it means continually pressing towards a goal for the better good of mankind.

    Let’s stop knocking each other down and let’s start building one another up. If Jesus were to see what America has come to be he’d be disappointed. Love one another as you love yourself. Question,have you ever spoken to a transgender person and asked our story? What’s it like coming out? What’s it like going through another puberty? Continually asserting your pronouns and being afraid to use the bathrooms. Afraid to go to church. I came out to my church and there was a prayer circle around me to change. Some people treated me like a disease and pastors who were my aunts never answered my phone calls. My family disowned me twice.

    Lastly! I think you should go to Oakland Cali. With sweatpants, hoodie and Jordans. Go to a bodega buy a Pepsi (you guys still boycotting Coke?)and see how the police treat you. They won’t see Senator Tim Scott..They will see a black man! I live in New Haven Connecticut and they will see a black man you will be stopped and asked questions if you’re lucky and harrassed. Not everyone in America is racist. But America was built on racism, genocide, greed, hate and lust. Don’t be blind to the truth for the sake of anyone and/or political party. Open your eyes! America sees you!

    Truly,

    Domenia Zih

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  • Just BLACK n’ scared

    3 Jun 2020
    Truth & Foster Care

    Just BLACK n’ scared

    I’m angry. I’m pissed. I’m hurting. There’s not a word magnificent enough nor profound enough to express how black and scared I am. I am a black trans man. The rate of me being killed are high by a policeman, by a white person, and by a black person. Does my life matter? Or am I just a mere atom taking up space in what we call existence waiting to die and decompose in the ground. To die the black illnesses high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, Covid-19 or worse by the gun of a white man; a white cop?

    Out of mind out of sight! or is it Out of sight out of mind?!

    When is one black life enough? When does it stop? How do I tell young black men, young trans men you have a future when in reality their life is seconds away from none…

    White people. White fucking people! WHITE MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE, will you stop killing me? White people, what is one black life worth to you? WHITE PEOPLE, hear the cries from the earth. All we want to do is live! We get it your better than us. We get it you deserve all the power. We get it your superior to us. We fucking get it. So I ask BLACK PEOPLE, we have to force change and challenge that ideology in order for change to come.

    WHITE PEOPLE, we can buy your clothing and organic food. We can speak like you and attend your schools. (sometimes!) We can hide our blackness but as the sun fade, you only see our teeth. As the sunshine, we only look like a shadow.

    WHITE PEOPLE, what the fuck are you afraid of? What the fuck are you afraid of? Why are you killing our sons and daughters? Why are we falsely accused of crimes we didn’t commit? Why do we live in the slums?? Why do we pay to your tithes and offerings for your churches to grow and build more Starbucks and were looking for a Dunkin Donuts.

    BLACK PEOPLE RAISE YOUR VOICE! YES!!!! YES!!! I’m screaming…You can’t hear my voice so hear my words. I’m SCREAMING and pulling my hair…MY PEOPLE ARE DYING…EVERY DAY…EVERY YEAR..more death after death it is something that has come to be the daily norm and WHITE FUCKING PEOPLE walk away with good conscious and a clear record.

    BLACK PEOPLE let’s mobilize. BLACK PEOPLE let’s organize. SYSTEMIC Racism is a disease and we must find a cure for it ourselves. WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR OURSELVES. I’m Angry. I’m Hurt. I’m Scared. If I don’t look the right way or answer in the correct tone my name may be next in the news..

    GOD HEAR OUR CRY. FORGIVE US. CHANGE US. HEAL US. Black people and White people. GOD you see no color. God, you see your children. GOD you see no orientation you see your people. Jesus, you see your brothers and sisters. Jesus, we are the ones you died for and we are dying every day.

    Mr. Domenia Xih Zih

    BLACK PEOPLE cry out to the sun and moon. BLACK PEOPLE jump and shout until there is a mighty earthquake. BLACK PEOPLE stop killing each other as a white person show. BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. BLACK GAY PEOPLE. BLACK MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE. BLACK INCARCERATED. BLACK FREE PEOPLE. BLACK CHILDREN. BLACK MEN. BLACK WOMEN. BLACK TRANS PEOPLE. BLACK NON BINARY PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. GOD’s PEOPLE.

    CRY

    SCREAM

    SHOUT, MAKE A MIGHTY RAWR

    I’m fucking angry. I’m hurting and this pain doesn’t go away. I numb it. BUT NO MORE. NO MORE I SAY. NO MORE!

    BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE LET’s BE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE. LET’s DEMAND THE CHANGE WE NEED. LET’s HEAL OUR PEOPLE. LET’s EDUCATE our people starting out with lesson one: WE ARE BLACK and BLACK FIRST. Unapologetically BLACK. WE ARE the successors of SLAVERY. We OVERCAME JIM FUCKING CROW. WE ARE STRONG. WE WILL FUCKING DEFEAT DONALD JACKASS TRUMP!!!! WE ARE MIGHTY IN THE LAND. WE ARE BLACK. and yet SCARED!

    anger belief belonging bible bipolar change children choice Christianity church community death depression desire destination determination direction dreams education encouragement faith family fear foster care freedom goals god hope humanity hurt inspiration jesus kwanzaa life love mental-health mother peace prayer purpose relationships religion suicide transgender truth

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  • The heart that matters

    15 Dec 2019
    faith, Journal Style!, Topic Thought.

    I just listened to my pastor speak about the “heart that matters.” I’m still getting used to this softer approach to Jesus, instead of the condemnation I was raised listening to in sermons. Shot of a a young couple making a heart shape with their fingers outdoors

    The gist of the sermon was not to continually contemplate our faults, imperfections, failures and “lack off’s”. It’s the heart behind the faults, imperfections, and failures that matters. This is the main ingredient to the Christian faith; we are not perfect and fall many times, it’s the heart that matters and how we get back up.

    An unusual topic for me to hear with love and in love esp. by a pastor. However, it’s true. I’ve hurt many people and acted outside of my character. Having a mental illness I am different and I process life differently. I never intend to hurt a soul. It hurts me when I find out I hurt someone. It hurts because I know the feeling of rejection, self-hate, judgment; feelings of projected anger and just ugliness. I know these feelings all too well. Knowing I inflicted this hurt onto another soul I resent, reject. self-loathe and I become bitter towards myself. Then it becomes a cycle!

    My heart is always in the right place. This is the story with most of us. We don’t want to hurt other people, let alone neglect our various religious beliefs maybe even our family values. It’s the heart that matters. When we evaluate ourselves we should inspect our intent and the execution of what happened. Be honest with ourselves. Genuinely make amends if possible. If not we need to forgive ourselves. The “move on”.

    I know as a Christian God doesn’t remember every act that’s negative we commit. He looks at the heart behind the action. I bet Allah and Buddha do too. We need to realize every person born and even animal will make mistakes, it’s getting back up that counts. It’s the heart of getting up and moving on; allowing each incident to be a teacher so that we grow into the beautiful people we are.

    We grow from glory to glory. God already is in love with us. God already adores us, we have his personal stamp of approval. God smiles reign on us daily. We are his children and creation. He cheers for us as we play the game of life and even if we miss the mark he is the coach encouraging us to get up and keep playing.

    Friends, you may not believe in the God I do. I respect you. You are validated in my heart! You may be Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddist, even Atheist but when we fall to the source of our creation who just wants us to win the fight of life. Life’s short and we are to keep getting up, fighting, and making a difference for others. It’s the “heart that matters”. We will not be perfect. I will never be perfect. However, I will commit to being the best version of myself I can be.

    What’s great about that is no one can be you but “you”. You’re a unique and divine creation. You’re the only you. I’m the only me. But that doesn’t mean we cannot be happy, nor does it entail that we don’t deserve happiness. We deserve all the blessings, favor, joy, contentment with all of creation and from our creators.

    So please, smile today. Let tomorrow be tomorrow. Know you’re the best “you” today. Let tomorrow be a mystery and embrace it when we face it.

    Blessings,

    Domenia Zih

    1 comment on The heart that matters

  • I am never alone.

    14 Mar 2018
    My Story, My Story, Journal Style!

    With the many faces, I see

    The many voices I never hear

    As long as the season change

    As long as children still play and laugh

    As long as babies are born

    As long as trees give shade in the sunlight

    Days are longer, not shorter

    And the Sun rises as the Moon Sets

    I am never alone

     

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  • Black Belief!

    1 Mar 2018
    Being African American, Great Quotes By Ordinary People, Journal Style!, My Story, Topic Thought.

    I believe I am the answered prayer of a slave.

    I believe that the God of my slave ancestors is outside of religion space and time

    I believe that God is consistent and his word is his bond (promises)!

    He promised:

    hell on earth

    calamity and suffering; on this he was clear

    I know of the suffering of the black slaves

    I know the suffering of generations to come and I empathize and stand to chant

    BLACK LIVES MATTER

    God’s truth holds in court

    God assures peaks of peace and times of prosperous soulful restoration

    the movement and belief that BlACK LIVES MATTER

    witnesses to the struggle of souls

    and the promised and answered prayers of slaves

    that we would marry wisdom, dance with destiny and find peace in chaos

    Proclaim our integrity

    We will walk along with the historical negro voices

    Our feet will hit rock, and legs will get scarred

    Our voices will unite in a war cry

    then, you will see our war dance

    My people, My black people:

    Stand with justice

    And, light lady liberty’s flame

    Be proud of our kinky hair and dark skin.

    Black is beautiful.

    God did not give us reason for doubt

    But, he (God) promised a journey unlike any humans and overwhelming opportunities

    I always wonder one day beside my name will they say “first negro to accomplish this” (whatever “this” is)

    I was once a slave

    But now we awaken and is FREE!

    I was a slave until those cops killed my black brothers and sisters

    I was a slave until I was denied rights based on the color of my skin

    I was a slave until, I realized as a race, as a people; whom we were meant to be.

    “Like Dust, I RISE!” Angelou said

    For we are the rhythm and beat of a negro hymn

    We triumph in memory believing, God is with us and gave a new name, a new identity and called us to a high calling

    He called us his people, then he called us friend

    and birthed us purposefully in an era of change, reconstruction, and opportunity

    This is what I believe!

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  • I am Broken!

    1 Mar 2018
    Journal Style!, My Story

    I’m broken:

    but my wings are not clipped

    I’m a witness to my humanity

    and I own it

    I can’t run like the old days

    but that doesn’t mean I can’t jog

    I finally feel human

    the continuous struggle adjacent to the habitual strive

    I get it! I’m human

    and I own it

    my soul has been broken

    my voice has been stolen

    my tears flow continuously

    my eye bear witness to my humanity

    I speak with a pen

    until the day my voice is needed

    with every step, I enter into a battle

    equipped to with the spirit of a fighter

    I am fighting a human race

    I often wake up to yesterday

    from a dream about tomorrow

    I feel and know

    my brokenness

    Broken enough to survive

    Broken enough to pray

    Broken enough to smile

    Broken enough to strive for healing

    To be planted in the dirt

    To be watered as I am the seed

    and like dust, the poet said “I rise”

    To challenge history and gain authority

    to know that the only way up, is down

    the only way to come on top is to own one’s own brokenness

    Young Man, Young Woman

    no true soul conquers their journey from the top

    that soul goes low

    and then it is high.

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  • We Dance

    10 Dec 2017
    Journal Style!, My Story, Topic Thought.

    In my imperfection is your glory

    In my depression, I dream

    In the darkness there is hope

    when my faith is tired, and amidst a storm

    when suicide  is prevalent there is an escape

    I DANCE 

    I dance with him who is the author of my life

    I dance with the spirit that flows through my body

    I dance with the opportunities penetrating my heart

    WE DANCE

    At times my mind is darkened

    At that time I see:

    1 stage 

    1 spotlight

    and 1 opportunity 

    to dance with words

    sing with grace

    defeat all odds

    to accept the golden ticket to my eternity and purpose

    I DANCE

    as my world spins

    time winds down

    voices are strange

    spirits are quick

    and footprints are non-impactful and dominant

    I lock eyes with eternity

    kiss companionship

    grab hold of trials

    give the middle finger to the devil

    for the creator dances with me

    holds onto me; I am not alone

    And God extends his hand asking me one question

    “may I have this dance” 

     

     

     

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  • This will not break you.

    12 Jan 2017
    Truth & Foster Care

    Tears flow and your will thoughts run

    I feel like I’m ready to explode

    I’m crying tears of uncertainty

    Tears of repentance

    Tears of acceptance

    Acceptance that my eyes will water, and sometimes for days

    But I hear God say. “my beloved that’s okay”

    I cry yearning for a friend to cry with me

    I cry with questions wondering, when will this fight be over

    I cry joy because I know in the midst of my darkness, I’ve already overcome

    I created a river with my tears, and I’m floating down to a new beginning

    I can see a light, piercing the clouds, making silent noises through a purple and orange sunset

    I know the night is coming, soon I’ll be able to rest and awaken to DAY

    A new day filled with different tears for different reasons

    A new day to fight, express, and expand on my gifts, my calling and to continue to develop: my purpose

    I cry, yes I cry

    But God says to me, in the quiet of the night

    Your life will not be lived in vain

    Your struggle will not be forgotten

    Often those who carry the greatest calling will spend the most time a.l.o.n.e

    Rest in my bosom, take a deep breath

    You see it, you feel it, just keep fighting it, you’re almost there.

    Lives will be touched, there is a revival in your story

    The blind will see their self-worth and purpose

    The deaf will hear, their name called with authority

    The lame, will get up and walk, and begin their journey

    The hungry will be feed with truth

    The lonely ones, (like yourself) will walk with me by their side

    Fresh oil will flow, flowers will grow in winter

    You bring new life, new energy, just keep me your (God) at your center

    In all things keep God at your center

    Your prayers may not sound perfect

    You won’t comprehend every scripture

    But that’s okay, for I see your heart, I notice your intent

    I’m with you, I live inside of you

    I’m your Father, Friend

    Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you

    Not a day goes by when I don’t want to take away every ache and pain

    But, if I did, you would not have learned, and you’d have no authority and no passion

    I’m with you, my beloved, you’re my child

    Abba is for you

    Abba is with you

    Abba will guide you

    This will not break you.

     

     

     

     

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  • A conversation with HE, about bipolar disorder!

    21 Apr 2016
    Topic Thought.

    Stranger: Why are you crying?

    Me: Because, I was just fired from a job.

    Stranger: I’m sorry, I’ll cry too.

    Me: No smile, I need more smiles, for my tears sometimes are endless.

    Stranger: If you don’t mind telling me, why where you fired?

    Me: Because, I am reaching stability, and what that means for me, is not enough for the the business world. You see, I’m bipolar, and I take medication four times a day, to help keep my mood stable, to help keep my thoughts calm, to control my anxiety and ease my psychosis.

    Stranger: Ah..

    Me: I started a job, and was fired three days in because I was not fast enough due to my medication. I explained to my boss that this job helps pay for insurance to pay for my medical bills, and pay for my medicine; his response “It’s a business”

    Stranger: That’s not fair. What do you think?

    Me: I’m not normal, I have limitations. I will always need medication. I will always need some type of mental health assistance. This is the hand, I was dealt. This is the hand I accept, and I wouldn’t change it, because it has shaped me into the scholar I am becoming, into the partner I dream of becoming, made me hard working, made me motivated and given me hope. You see after every episode I give God praise, because I believe it’s through him I made it through. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel better a lot sooner.

    Stranger: Wow, you’re strong. I’ll take my tears back then. I’ll give you a smile. You’re stronger than what people give you credit for, and all it took was a conversation. What about fear, anger?  Yes, what about them?

    Me: What about them? I cried not because I lost the job because I felt fear that I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself anymore. I fear I would run out of medication, not be able to see my providers and then be hospitalized; sent home with a bill I can’t pay back. I cried from the anxiety of the unknown. Then I remembered bible scriptures and confirmed my faith, and I realized, I’ve faced this before and my needs were meet. I need to focus on not entering a depression episode. God has me. He will provide for me. I will not lack. It’s the faith, that is based on things I cannot see, in a time a chaos and uncertainty. I’ve made it through homelessness, abuse, rape, neglect, and foster care. I will find another job.

    Stranger: Wow. You can get a hug. Stay strong my brother! You got this, be anxious for nothing but in all things pray; be not worried about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough concerns of it’s own. I’m watching over you, I’m protecting you. I’m shielding you, and I have something in mind that’s better for you. Keep your faith in me, and I will not let you go wrong. Now Rest!

    Me: Who are you?

    Stranger: I am HE!

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