Them: You broke your wing I see, of what help can I be?

Me: What you see is external, whats broken is my mind and the heart it follows. Do you see my daily hallucinations, lingering thoughts of despair, desire for love and transparency, the battle between fear and inadequacy, survival of the fittest they say, and I question why is my reality different from my night and day

Them: Feelings are not facts, sometimes we see the worst of us and we need one another to heal a wing, deliver a word that’s positively non-psychological. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies and the true roadblock in our pathways. So say what it is, but don’t allow what it is to be a hindrance. Allow yourself to heal

Me: Alone in a room just me, and me.  Sitting on a bed that is not my own, stuck in my head. I feel fatigue and over-shadowing darkness, I cant lift up my head so I cry instead. I want a heart to be honest with to say I’m afraid, I’m hurting, I feel alone and really just want a hug. No family, few friends, and a semi textbook education. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of accepting myself to see my strengths and good, while acknowledging the bad. The hallucination is comforting, they’re what I know, my voices yelling, tactile hallucinations giving me affection photo delusions are my directions. But I know they have to go. This darkness swallows me, I can’t get out of bed, I’m dying in hopes to be free. If I kill myself I’m free no more pain no more anything. Life is limited, death is permanent and comforting, and delivers the attention I’m too afraid of asking for. I just want a transparent heart to talk to and break bread with. Instead of being in my head. An open heart, not judgmental and hostile but sarcastic, funny, educate and dedicated. I want to hear someone say “I’m dedicated to you, your success ad well being, you’re not alone I can be your family”

Them: Recovery is possible

Me: I’m not an addict or an ex-con. I have schizoaffective disorder a mental illness. What do I need to recover from I did nothing wrong?

Them: You don’t need to have done something wrong in order to recover. But when we get sick we need to get well so guess (in a sarcastic, comical voice) “welcome to RECOVERY” We can be your new family, we’re (I’m) not getting rid of you. I’m here to help you, Crisis is here to help you, Continuum of Care is here to help you. You just have to say “yes”

Me: ugh, “yes”

Them: It won’t happen in a day and sometimes you will get sick again, but you’ll recover a lot faster

Me: I’m fucking scared. I’ve trusted before and was left abandon, I can’t take another broken wing. My heart hurts and I’ll keep crying.

Them: No one is perfect, we are all human, but we are in our humanity this is apart of Recovery.

Me: My wing feels stronger, I think I can fly. So I, I call, will someone answer

Them: Day and Night

Them: Well then you’ve got to change your thinking pattern, talk to people go to church, make friends and slow recovery will happen.

Me: So I’ll fly to my new home and see you on Friday 🙂

 

*I think you were once a thug in real life lol…naw…I wish I could hear your recovery story* #insider

This, whatever you’d like to call it is dedicated to Continuum of Care Connecticut and their Crisis and Respite housing in New Haven  CT. This is also dedicated to the staff of Crisis and Respite, the best Clinical Director John L, and Program Director Jill G. This is a transcript of multiple conversations between myself and Jill and how Continuum of Care gave me a second chance. Thank-you. I promise to always be a pain in your ass but to return to love and gifts you’ve given throughout my lifetime.