Category: Truth & Foster Care

I meant to die at 25. I’m 32: The God of SECOND chance!

25 Aug 2023

faith, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Truth & Foster Care
7 years ago I told my psychiatrist I was going to kill myself by age 25. She’s my aunty now. She told me to give her a chance. I was tired, homeless, dirty, hungry and lonely. However I did! Thank God I did.

It had been my plan since I was about 8 years old first taken into foster care to never return to my twin or mom again. When I experienced years of rape, molestation and beatings and was often hungry. I thought 25 is my golden birthday because I was born on the 25th of August in 1991. I thought to myself no one cared nor will I be missed. My mother father and family forsaked me. My grandmother was dying. I was arguing with my mentor. Unable to keep a job, living in a Crisis Shelter. Then a form of residential program. While doing my undergrad degree online.

I couldn’t find God. And felt far away. See I’m transgender raised in a Baptist family I knew if my grandma knew I couldn’t live with the thought ofin the process of her dying and disowning me. I never knew starting testosterone would relieve the dysphoria and I would grow into a man. I thought God disowned me until I stepped into a conversation with my spiritual mentor who said God can still use me.

I questioned if God would love me. If I could dance before him again. I wondered if there would be a church where my wounds could be healed. 6 years ago my brother at funeral my brother grabbed me so hard and said “I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, I wish you were dead.” This is my twin who I shared the same womb with. My aunts but some were abusive growing up. My aunt told me “you’re no better than your mom, you deserved to be raped.” My cousin would beat me up everyday after school and said one day “at least my mom loves me.” At age 15 my birth mom said “you don’t have to call me mom, for I don’t know how to love you.” I had a church family that spoke life into me but when I came out transgender and started my transition and then pansexual they wanted nothing to do with me. This always happened around my birthday.

Growing up in foster care, then a forever family kicking me out not caring what happened to me. As long as I was no longer their problem. Because I was tiring while I was suffering from a mental illness I couldn’t control. Since my former foster mom kicked me out ever year I ask for a hug for my birthday and she says “no”. She’ll buy me groceries but won’t hug me. I can’t see the difference between my biological mom and her because for both of them I was disposable.

This was my life.

WAS!!!

I gave my aunt aprn who is the warmest human and kind soul a chance. My therapist John. My family Continuum of Care a chance. My life changed. I was placed on social security I had food stamps and my first apartment. Then I got a bunny and I had someone to love.

Your family is your chosen one and mine is unique.

I always struggled with food insecurity and a eating disorder. Now I have belly and and bald head and I’m ok! Somedays. But often still go hungry.

I started to follow God again. By listening to sermons of Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen. A seed was being sown. I graduated from under grad. I eventually got a one bedroom apartment. Where two years in I would be raped by a neighbor. The fear came back from when I was a child. It’s still there.

I found my true forever home at Elm City Vineyard. Pastor Patrick and Pastor Josh and Pastor Kyanna and others changed my life with their sermons of hope, Pride Acceptance, the truth of scripture and allowed me to take communion every Sunday. Elm City Vineyard thank you for becoming my place a refuge. I love you! I love you Pastor Josh and Pastor Patick.

My mental health changed when I got on the injection. I told my favorite mental health worker and LCSW Danielle “I dont want to see you again unless you are hiring me. ” One year became two than three. I now celebrate 6 years 4 months of being out of the psychiatric hospital.

God found me a job that I have been able to be effective at and a boss name Joy with a heart. I am open with her and I annoy her. Like I do everyone in a good way and the job became flexible with my mental health and helped me stay employed for a year. I was hired August 24th 2022 and started my first shift August 27th. Worked 200 shifts and made a connection with a client who would change my life. As I helped changed his. Now we share a church home together and both grow to be the best humans we can be. My mentor kept telling me I needed a better job, when she never understood the struggle of keeping a job. Let alone one I was changing lives. Her negativity became toxic and I ended the relationship.

Change happened, relationships ended, and started. Just a few weeks I asked my forever family to come to church with me and they said no. So I say Good-bye. I’m not going to beg. I have a very unique family but it’s mine. To mentors, friends, old spiritual mentors if you are not for me and speaking life I don’t want you in my life. I can and have made it without you and will continue.

I’m still on social security and I live in low income housing.

I started listening to Bishop T.D Jakes afraid of seeing a baptist style church. The seed planted and water by Pastor’s Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen,.. Bishop Jake’s is helping grow along side of ECV.

Bishop Jake’s most powerful sermons I’ll cherrish are: Tomorrow belongs to God, A Long Ways From Lodebar!, A second Cahnce, A Second Chapter, I have Permission, Conception of Faith I&II and It’s worth Wait. I’m listening everydy every morning every evening.

In yet the eve of my birthday I was going to kill myself 7 years later after overcoming so much. I felt my past bearing over me. I missed my grandma. I felt alone didn’t want to post on FB about it. I was just going to overdose. Then I came to my senses and realize 7 years ago what I believed and how much has changed. How much I gained. the teachings of Jesus. I took my meds responsibly and said: TOMORROW BELONGS TO GOD!

I know I won’t be in poverty forever, food insecurity wont be my future, lack and struggle will not be my strugglefor much loner. This 32nd year is a year of Triumpth, Deliverance, Healing, Restoration, Peace, Success, I will gradute with my masters in Psychology. I will get into Yale School of Divinity and bear witness to the Glory of God. How he can take a forgotten nobody and make them a somebody. I will live in house I did not build. A sermon is in my story. I will affrim my faith through baptism. I’m not gong to live in fear. I’m liberated and free. Bipolar and all!!!! I am my own worst enemy and with Jesus there’s a future for me. By Jesus Chirst I’m justified. By Jesus Christ I was brought from death to life. By Jesus Christ alone through his willing vessels I am alive. By Jesus Christ alone I am free, alive, and I have my hope in my tomorrow for a better tomorrow and future. Tomorrow Belong to God!

This is the story of a God of Second Chance. Happy Brithday 32nd to me and many more. In Jesus Name, Amen
- Domenia Xih Zih
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Pastors Patrick and Josh

26 Jun 2023

Truth & Foster Care
Dear Pastors Patrick and Josh,

I wanted to say thank you. I’ve just gone through the most challenging time of my life I sent a text message in the middle of the night and you two called me in the morning. To inquire about my health, spiritual health, and mental health; also my safety.

There have never been men Pastors in my life who have reached out to my life, poured into my life, and prayed with and for me before like you two. I consider you both my spiritual fathers. I look up to you and as I one day walk through Ministry I hope to be as great a man as you two are.

Pastor Patrick, you were my first hug in months, and a second hug came, Pastor Josh. Your hugs are embracing and your prayers strengthen me and give me faith that I am not in this fight alone.

I pray God Blesses You abundantly, in all areas of your life as fathers, pastors, workers, leaders, husbands, and more. May God set a table before you and bless you immensely, May God Bless you so much you never want or need for anything in your life and that you will ever are provided for in all capacities.

My blog reaches many readers from around the world and I want them to all know your names. You’ve inspired me and challenged me as a transman to want better, do better and dream bigger. To not chase after worldly things but the will of God. God put me at ECV for a reason and I’m still discovering why but every Sunday when you preach I am shown more and more.

It doesn’t mean to be a Pastor a preach you have to holler, speak in tongues like T.D. Jakes, be loud like Pastor Steven Furtick. My two favorite preachers beside Lisa Harper and Keion Henderson. You have your own craft, awful dad jokes (Pastor Patrick) lol, calmness, and sensitivity. You preach with conviction and passion and I feel like every time I’m listening I’m having a conversation with Jesus himself. That’s a gift from God, Yahweh, Yeshua, El Shaddai, and Jehovah Jireh Himself. No one can take away your anointing and the call on your life.

ECV and these two men never judged me for being transgender they didn’t preach about how I was going to hell they preached the Gospel of Jesus and it is changing me from the inside out as a transgender, and pansexual man. You don’t judge me for my sins when I confess you say instead you two often say “let us take it to the Father in Heaven.”

Your wives are mentors to me as they lead worship while the kids are jumping over them and they don’t rebuke them they encourage your children to be who they are going to be in Jesus! God loves them, your children, and YOU!

I love you and am proud to see you as a father in the spirit. As we say in the Baptist/Pentecostal Church. Which really means mentors in the faith. I pray that when I begin to start preaching during and after Seminary that I am as passionate and dynamic as your selves. Thank you for helping me to see to take my problems to the cross, to carry my cross, and to LIVE, LAUGH, PLAY, REST, and MEDITATE in my faith.

So be encouraged when you have hard days, hard emotions, your kids are more active, knowing that your impact is changing the City of New Haven and myself. I love you guys and wanted to surprise you when you wake up with a public appreciation blog.

Be strong in the Lord always. He is your Rod and Staff and will comfort you. He is your guide and is making your roadway clear. thank you again and thank you ECV.
- domenia zih
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Being Raped, as a Transman!

18 Jun 2023

Truth & Foster Care

I had been molested as a child for many years. As a child, I was abused, molested, and almost killed. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically neglected. I never saw the future. I always prayed to get through the day until I had a “divine intervention.”

Last night I was raped and discarded by a neighbor. I called Planned Parenthood and was rejected. I called my queer clinic and was seen the very next morning. I still haven’t showered all the way; it’s been almost 24 hrs. I called my pastors, aunts, my brothers, and sisters; but no one answered. I called on my trans brothers, and they texted me till morning. I called my mentor and woke her baby bear up, and she texted me till morning. I texted everyone I knew and told them what happened. In the morning, people thankfully reached out. I didn’t want sympathy. I just wanted prayer. Because I’ve been here before as a 5 year through age 8; all I knew was prayer.

I felt that by being touched and thrusted, bent over, then discarded by a man that I was less than a man because I had a vagina and a beard. Though I look like a man, a part of me someone had taken advantage of. A part of me could still become pregnant. A part of me was stolen a portion of me thouht I was to blame. I felt shame, disgust, loneliness, and grief. I felt invaluable because I had to get examined. Then the doctor said to me, “This h to cis men too. Body parts don’t make you less than a man it is your mind, body, soul, and heart that makes you who you are.”

I was given antibiotics PREP and PEP. I went home in pain, my pelvis still in pain, I can’t really walk physically. I wasn’t but I listened to the wisdom of an old man named Bishop T.D Jakes and a younger man named Pastor Keion Henderson, and another man named Pastor Steven Furtick. Felt peace as the word of God was being preached, I realized I had had a “divine intervention.”

I keep saying to everyone I must leave these impoverished areas, get off food stamps and social security. Because what was a help (besides SSDI) is a hindrance. Then Bishop T.D. Jakes said, “We are broken, blessed, then we are given.”Life breaks us (or attempts), and then there is a holy brokenness and then “divine intervention.” Then you are blessed and you are given. Given means you pour into the life of others, and when you pour into the life of other people, it then life is given back to you (me)!

People tell me to press charges, call and go to the ER. I’ve done that before and was called a liar. I went to an LGBTQIA+ clinic and was believed. It’s not my job to get even. Justice was given to me when Jesus died for me. Justice was given to me when I believe that angels heard my cry and let me escape with life. Many trans people who are raped are either then killed or killed themselves. “Divine Intervention.”

I always saw a lack in my life not seeing all God blessed me with, a job, a great boss whom I love with the Love of Christ, and her name’s Joy, a mentor when I was homeless, bought me clothes, food, a coat, and gave me money. I can’t fit the coat anymore but I’ll never give it away for it is a reminder of where I’ve come from. To this abuser, I forgive you. I choose not to report him because he is mentally ill and has a seizure disorder, and I don’t want him in jail where he will get no care nor on the streets homeless. Because I know what it’s like to be dirty, with no food, begging for a dollar to buy water from Dunkin Donuts, taking a bath in the ocean with soap from the dollar store, and sleeping in a park. Where people are having sex, shooting up, drugs carrying weapons, and knives! I couldn’t wish that on a soul. I do pray he specifically finds Jesus Chris the Risen One and his heart, and mind are healed. That’s what you call justice.

I live in the hood, but, I have my life. I live in the atmosphere of poverty but it is not who I am. I know these are training days, and I will be delivered. I will buy a home, get married, start my own company, be a TRANS MINISTER. I will get accepted to Yale Seminary and graduate top of my class. I will graduate from WNMU with an MSW and MBA. I’m not gonna give up because I’m hungry some nights, I’m not gonna give up because I go cold in the winter, I’m not gonna give up because a man raped another man. I’m not gonna give up because I’m bipolar, schizophrenic and transgender, and pansexual. If anything I’m going to fight harder and dedicate myself to studying the word of God, volunteer at my church, I’m going to pray and pray to the God I serve without fear, I’ll be able to walk and run again without pain, and will fight for my future. Though, I battle thoughts of shame, fear, and sadness.

There’s a scripture in the bible that says, “Weeping may endure for but JOY comes in the morning and My morning is coming I can feel and see the sun. There’s another scripture that says, “I will reap if I faint not.” Another scripture says, I will soar with wings like an eagle, walk and not be weary, run and not faint.” The Bible isn’t a book that says queer people, drug addicts, gamblers, etc., are going to hell. and there is no hope for them. Quite the contrary Jesus says, “I have hopes and dreams for your future.” Jesus says, “To believe in Him, He will give you life and life more abundantly. I was just raped and am still .bleeding, and I have hope and joy for my future. I’m sent here to tell all those who ar,e queer, lesbian, gay, transgender, asexual, nonbinary, agender, questioning, or bisexual that Jesus loves you, approves of you and you are his CHILD whom he is well pleased with. You can be a believer and a preacher, you will reach your goals, and before you die if you believe that he died, rose on the third day, repent (just mean to be, honest about where you are in life, not that you did something wrong) your life will be full of joy in the midst of every struggle. You will reach fulfillment and live in eternity in heaven. Live to see old age!

I feel the Holy Spirit on this post. I believe that my being stripped, naked raped without a condom ad then told to leave was meant to add to my testimony and not defeat me or make me bitter. But for me to have the courage to spread it with the world 24 hrs later and say, God is real. God didn’t do this to me, but, He (Jesus) will use my pain for glory days. I’m covered by angels. I feel my helper and he is always near. I am not abandoned. I will find love and make love. I will be a father, to 5 children from different nations. My business will reach nationally and internationally, and I will leave my children’s, children an inheritance, and make my ancestors in heaven proud/. I will die at 100. See my grandma, and say, “Mama, I made a difference and made God proud.”

I’m a writer, businessman, entrepreneur, preacher, and teacher. I’m a scholar and will touch and preach to LGBTQIA+ people the hope of God in Christ and see generations of foster care children’s lives change, build a school, for the learning disabled, and LGBTQ kids safe. I will start scholarships, help change institutional and poverty mindsets; to freedom mindsets, and make them believers in themselves. I just got a revelation Poverty isn’t only where I live but it is where my mind is at!

God just gave me “DIVINE INTERVENTION”.

Be Blessed

-Domenia Xih Zih

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Elm City Vineyard! God’s place of residence!

24 May 2023

Truth & Foster Care

Elm City Vineyard is my church. The people who attend are my brothers and sister and non-binary siblings. I come from an abusive background, raped, molested, and beaten for 16 years. My aunts were always drinking, my cousins smoking weed, and I was reminded by the aunts and uncles that I was supposed to feel safe with that “my mother doesn’t love me, I deserved to be raped, that’s why I am in foster care.” I remember vividly being raped at 6 years old and sodomized with a gun to my head and looking at my mom and she walked away. My mom would beat me until I bled and then only then say it’s because I love you. My twin brother was a terror. If I didn’t do what he said, he would threaten to kill our own mother. He abused me, beat me, and would laugh and say, “That’s why mommy loves me more.” I’ll never forget the day my grandmother choked me, and before I blacked out my aunt said, “Ma, you are killing her.” I ended up in the hospital, at age 11. My cousins would beat me naked. My aunt one day when I was 14 called me a little girl, pushed me against the wall, and started to beat me up and I finally fought back. I reported to my DCF in emails all the abuse, and she would say that because I’m bipolar and heard voices, I wasn’t meant for a family, and when I did have a family, I messed up and was mentally ill. I was kicked out of my home at 24 when I was in a psych ward and told not to returnn. I slept on the streets, and on the beach where I showered in the ocean. I developed hypoglycemia because I couldn’t afford food. I moved to NC to experience trauma. I moved back to Connecticut and had nowhere to go. I was asked, “Can you go back to your grams?” I did and slept on the floor with a sheet. I ate only tuna fish because of my allergies. I worked but wasn’t stable enough to keep a job. It wasn’t until Continuum of Care took me under their wing, through Jesus I was protected and given a shelter home. I moved into independent living with staff but couldn’t afford it, and eventually, I moved into my own apartment, where I saw drugs, addicts, sex, overdoses, and death. I moved and am still seeing it. Then I asked God for a church home where I would feel safe at least one day a week, a job where I would be valued, not judged if I had to be hospitalized, and a compassionate boss. God granted me my request. I work for an amazing company, and I love my clients. I work hard and am learning that August 24, 2023, will make a year of stable employment. My boss has an open heart, is kind and respectful. I am a MSW student at Western New Mexico University and I am excelling. Elm City Vineyard is a diverse church of races, mixed families, and different orientations of people and I am accepted as a man. I see beautiful young African Queens and I tell their parents their daughters are beautiful, and their hair is perfect. I met a young woman with a daughter, and I told her to tell her every day that she is beautiful and today I called her a queen. Her mom told me how she picked out a fancy dress for daycare. Her mom is a singer and she doesn’t know, Elm City Vineyard doesn’t know that they are healing my inner child, and I feel God ever more present in my life. I celebrated May 20, 2023, with 6 years of no psychiatric hospitalizations and 6 years of not being homeless on May 21^st, 2023. Boy, the old Baptist saying I was glad when they said unto me let us go into the house of the Lord. It is my anthem of praise. I love my church and pastors. When I saw a young Black girl making a mistake during service, her mom went over to her and kissed her. I felt God hugging me and giving me the kisses, I’d never received. I bring my client to church and Elm City Vineyard is healing them too. I love this church because they are accepting but preach the true word of God in a tangible and relatable way. God no longer feels like a God in space but a friend that is near. God is who I am dependent on. I rely on him for resources. Food, and I want to honor him with my life. Elm City Vineyard challenges me to better myself and to be a better person to the world around me. I know instead of a Ph.D. I want to go to Seminary at Yale Seminary University. Pastor Josh and Patrick have a yearning for the people, I don’t know the other pastors by name, but there is this one woman who works with the kiddos, and I admire her and thank her in my heart. One day I’ll tell her. I am reaffirming my faith through baptism soon. I hope to be a full member of Elm City Vineyard. I already feel like I’m family. If God never blesses me again, a church home was the medicine I needed all along. Thank you, Elm City Vineyard, for the past two months. I love you and your community. I love you because you love God and put the people and community first. To the young kings and queens grow in the Lord you’ll never regret it. To the mother of this princess, thank you for pouring into my life and the recent conversations we have had. I plan to grow in friendship with you in Christ. Elm City Vineyard is a rare beauty and a glimpse of heaven. As Pastor Josh’s wife preached my first Sunday there titled: what’s the point? I finally found an answer within myself God is the point and shepherding his people. The End

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Category: Truth & Foster Care

I meant to die at 25. I’m 32: The God of SECOND chance!

Pastors Patrick and Josh

Being Raped, as a Transman!

Elm City Vineyard! God’s place of residence!