I turned 29 yesterday! I never thought I’d see the day…my friends and family know I struggle with my mental illness but not many knew I had a plan to kill myself by my 25th birthday because the pain of existing was too much. Growing up all I wanted was a place to call home, a sense of belonging (got it!), self-identity, love, my mom healthy whether she was in my life or out my life, a college degree (got it!), an MSW, a Ph.D., a lover, a family of my own, a faith I identified with (got it!) and the list continues. When I realized that the attainability of this list was getting harder and hard; being mentally healthy was more of a dream I concocted this plan that I’d live till 25. Here I am four years later with a place to call home, a sense of belonging, self-identity, my mom in my life healthy, my faith strong and striving and the list continues.

It’s 3:27 am and I’d rather be sleeping for one more hour but I had to get this out. God reminded me that not only have I gotten so much of what I was looking for I had people all along who never stopped believing in me like my Mentor and God Mother. I was homeless yet fed. I was homeless yet kept a job. I was homeless yet still in school. I had medical (emphasis on “had”) debt but survived. I’m mentally stable. I have waves and bumps but I ride through them smoothly. I have the best treatment team known to man. God just reminded me at 3:48 am I was never alone and I have a lifetime to live; to climb more heights, see countries, help people overcome obstacles and fears, and to live.

So I was intended to write about regrets but I have none beside not trusting God and myself that I could have gotten healthier a lot sooner. Healthy is scary but oh’ so worth it. Yes, I need medication but the stability it offers is out of this world. Yes, I go to therapy and sometimes more than once a week and that’s ok. It’s my journey, my style…

Next in my career is an MSW than a Ph.D. One day at a time. One foot in front of another.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday

My only wish is to continue to strive towards self-actualization.

My last wish is for personal growth in my education, mental health, physical health, spirituality in my overall life