Sometimes I feel as though giving up and feeling sorry for myself is easier than living. I will be honest because I can and I should. I want to give up and throw in the towel. Hell, I’ve tried it before and almost made it out. But I don’t know what it’s like to give up and quit. I have never thought I’d be 35, single, overweight, and stuck alone. I want a husband. I want my three daughters and one or two sons. I just want a house, and one I can clean myself. I’m filing complaints, and I have a list, but these are my top ones.

If I can make any commitment to myself, it will be to continue losing weight. I will fight the pain that fibromyalgia and chronic spinal stenosis throw. This is so hard, y’all. So damn hard. I just want to run again and stop after a mile or two. I miss running. I do! I miss running up the steps. Every movement we take for granted in our youth, I want back.

35 years old isn’t the grave and I will not treat it as such. This year, I will give back to myself first. My new bunny, Pixel, is second. I just want to get back to who I know I can be as a student, as a human, in my weight, in my health, and just start dating again and living again.

This 35th year, I am giving myself a chance to live life. I am not sure what that looks like, but I have a month left until my birthday, and I will find some way to get it back. I’m motivated! I know I can do this. If I can get from being homeless to a one-bedroom apartment, with a pet, and have a stable income, even if it’s only SSDI for now. It will not always be.

I will run again.

I will dance again.

I will clean my own home again.

I will own a home.

I will have my children and a husband.

I will not be afraid, shy, or timid.

I will apologize less (I overdo it) and say “no” or “yes”.

This is my year. I know it will be hard, but I can do it. I know I must.

Damit, I got this!!! The only way to look while walking is up.

I can do all things through, and in him (Christ) who gives me strength.

End. Not just yet!!!