To family, saints, and friends:

Xih

If I don’t bring it up, please don’t! I’m talking about my weight. I know I’m overweight. I can feel in my bones. I am carrying more than what any 35-year-old should. I am not sure if it’s medications, or what, but I am disgustingly and uncomfortably fat!!! I said so you don’t have to think it in silence. My top surgery isn’t done. My scars are stretching out. I am almost to the goal weight of 200. I lost 48lbs in one year. And I am still heavy. So, before you skinny people, without fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, and mental health, tell me to just work out, just walk, just drink more water. Shut the hell up!!! I don’t want to hear it. This is what disability, food stamps, and Medicaid look like. I budget every single dollar I have for food, my aunt gives me money for food, and I’m still hungry at the end of the month. I am begging for the scraps while most of you eat like kings and queens and don’t know it. I am grateful for everything I have. But when I can’t play with my new bunny. When I am tired, just after cleaning their hutch. When I am tired just from typing this letter because I have carpal tunnel, please don’t judge me. Don’t lie or sugarcoat things either. My surgeons had the nerve to tell me “to get to 200, and I’ll be ready for surgery, to be the gender I want and feel I am. They look at me and say, not even close, not good enough, another 20 lbs, then I’ll be ready.” He can shut up too!!! This is a damn eating disorder I have. I’m stuck with, and I cannot break, and not one of you is helping. No one offers to go on walks with me. No one offers to bring me to the gym. I sit alone in an apartment, miserable, because I cannot move. Someone, help me before I just lose my cool!!! If you won’t physically do something to help me, then don’t comment on me or suggest anything, okay!!! I can see I’m heavy, I see my t-shirts. I see it!!! I am not asking to be skinny, but I am asking to get healthy.