Category: Journal Style!

I meant to die at 25. I’m 32: The God of SECOND chance!

25 Aug 2023

faith, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Truth & Foster Care
7 years ago I told my psychiatrist I was going to kill myself by age 25. She’s my aunty now. She told me to give her a chance. I was tired, homeless, dirty, hungry and lonely. However I did! Thank God I did.

It had been my plan since I was about 8 years old first taken into foster care to never return to my twin or mom again. When I experienced years of rape, molestation and beatings and was often hungry. I thought 25 is my golden birthday because I was born on the 25th of August in 1991. I thought to myself no one cared nor will I be missed. My mother father and family forsaked me. My grandmother was dying. I was arguing with my mentor. Unable to keep a job, living in a Crisis Shelter. Then a form of residential program. While doing my undergrad degree online.

I couldn’t find God. And felt far away. See I’m transgender raised in a Baptist family I knew if my grandma knew I couldn’t live with the thought ofin the process of her dying and disowning me. I never knew starting testosterone would relieve the dysphoria and I would grow into a man. I thought God disowned me until I stepped into a conversation with my spiritual mentor who said God can still use me.

I questioned if God would love me. If I could dance before him again. I wondered if there would be a church where my wounds could be healed. 6 years ago my brother at funeral my brother grabbed me so hard and said “I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, I wish you were dead.” This is my twin who I shared the same womb with. My aunts but some were abusive growing up. My aunt told me “you’re no better than your mom, you deserved to be raped.” My cousin would beat me up everyday after school and said one day “at least my mom loves me.” At age 15 my birth mom said “you don’t have to call me mom, for I don’t know how to love you.” I had a church family that spoke life into me but when I came out transgender and started my transition and then pansexual they wanted nothing to do with me. This always happened around my birthday.

Growing up in foster care, then a forever family kicking me out not caring what happened to me. As long as I was no longer their problem. Because I was tiring while I was suffering from a mental illness I couldn’t control. Since my former foster mom kicked me out ever year I ask for a hug for my birthday and she says “no”. She’ll buy me groceries but won’t hug me. I can’t see the difference between my biological mom and her because for both of them I was disposable.

This was my life.

WAS!!!

I gave my aunt aprn who is the warmest human and kind soul a chance. My therapist John. My family Continuum of Care a chance. My life changed. I was placed on social security I had food stamps and my first apartment. Then I got a bunny and I had someone to love.

Your family is your chosen one and mine is unique.

I always struggled with food insecurity and a eating disorder. Now I have belly and and bald head and I’m ok! Somedays. But often still go hungry.

I started to follow God again. By listening to sermons of Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen. A seed was being sown. I graduated from under grad. I eventually got a one bedroom apartment. Where two years in I would be raped by a neighbor. The fear came back from when I was a child. It’s still there.

I found my true forever home at Elm City Vineyard. Pastor Patrick and Pastor Josh and Pastor Kyanna and others changed my life with their sermons of hope, Pride Acceptance, the truth of scripture and allowed me to take communion every Sunday. Elm City Vineyard thank you for becoming my place a refuge. I love you! I love you Pastor Josh and Pastor Patick.

My mental health changed when I got on the injection. I told my favorite mental health worker and LCSW Danielle “I dont want to see you again unless you are hiring me. ” One year became two than three. I now celebrate 6 years 4 months of being out of the psychiatric hospital.

God found me a job that I have been able to be effective at and a boss name Joy with a heart. I am open with her and I annoy her. Like I do everyone in a good way and the job became flexible with my mental health and helped me stay employed for a year. I was hired August 24th 2022 and started my first shift August 27th. Worked 200 shifts and made a connection with a client who would change my life. As I helped changed his. Now we share a church home together and both grow to be the best humans we can be. My mentor kept telling me I needed a better job, when she never understood the struggle of keeping a job. Let alone one I was changing lives. Her negativity became toxic and I ended the relationship.

Change happened, relationships ended, and started. Just a few weeks I asked my forever family to come to church with me and they said no. So I say Good-bye. I’m not going to beg. I have a very unique family but it’s mine. To mentors, friends, old spiritual mentors if you are not for me and speaking life I don’t want you in my life. I can and have made it without you and will continue.

I’m still on social security and I live in low income housing.

I started listening to Bishop T.D Jakes afraid of seeing a baptist style church. The seed planted and water by Pastor’s Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen,.. Bishop Jake’s is helping grow along side of ECV.

Bishop Jake’s most powerful sermons I’ll cherrish are: Tomorrow belongs to God, A Long Ways From Lodebar!, A second Cahnce, A Second Chapter, I have Permission, Conception of Faith I&II and It’s worth Wait. I’m listening everydy every morning every evening.

In yet the eve of my birthday I was going to kill myself 7 years later after overcoming so much. I felt my past bearing over me. I missed my grandma. I felt alone didn’t want to post on FB about it. I was just going to overdose. Then I came to my senses and realize 7 years ago what I believed and how much has changed. How much I gained. the teachings of Jesus. I took my meds responsibly and said: TOMORROW BELONGS TO GOD!

I know I won’t be in poverty forever, food insecurity wont be my future, lack and struggle will not be my strugglefor much loner. This 32nd year is a year of Triumpth, Deliverance, Healing, Restoration, Peace, Success, I will gradute with my masters in Psychology. I will get into Yale School of Divinity and bear witness to the Glory of God. How he can take a forgotten nobody and make them a somebody. I will live in house I did not build. A sermon is in my story. I will affrim my faith through baptism. I’m not gong to live in fear. I’m liberated and free. Bipolar and all!!!! I am my own worst enemy and with Jesus there’s a future for me. By Jesus Chirst I’m justified. By Jesus Christ I was brought from death to life. By Jesus Christ alone through his willing vessels I am alive. By Jesus Christ alone I am free, alive, and I have my hope in my tomorrow for a better tomorrow and future. Tomorrow Belong to God!

This is the story of a God of Second Chance. Happy Brithday 32nd to me and many more. In Jesus Name, Amen
- Domenia Xih Zih
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Be encouraged!-We all need a tribe

6 Aug 2023

faith, Journal Style!, Topic Thought.

We were not meant to live this life alone.

We were not meant to suffer alone.

We were not meant to cry, go hungry, and be in pain alone.

Likewise, we were not meant to experience joy, laughter, and happiness alone.

I struggle with severe mental health from different personalities, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and autism and sometimes I feel like I too suffer alone.

But it’s not the truth.

We all need a tribe Pastor Kyanna said on Sunday

We all need a place to belong, a place of worship, a place of relationship, and a place of being

Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually.

I’m a Christian and I know from my bible not even Jesus walked alone, there was someone to help him carry the cross, even when he died and surrendered his last breath with another human too.

If Jesus needed someone so do WE!

I only get hugs on Sundays. I don’t get kisses. My last family hug was from my Aunt Sue. My pastors hug me, my therapists hug me and supernaturally God hugs me. But honestly, it’s still not enough.

I had a meltdown this past Friday in between personas and hallucinations; it was a dark and scary moment. I cried and today Sunday 2:58am tears still flow. I went hungry for 4 days. Only water to fill my stomach. A minister gave me money for food I ordered through Walmart and my order was put on hold, eventually cancelled and it takes 10 days to get my money back. I was weak, tired, angry, sad, feeling empty and self-pity.

I went to work with a smile, went to church with a smile, and heard a sermon like many from ECV that changed my life.

We are not meant to do this thing, this experiment is called life alone. Life is hard, life is complicated and we need each other.

It shouldn’t be about our politics, Trump or Biden, faiths, sexual orientation, sexual identity or income or educational advancements

We need to be human and connect and listen to everyone who is hurting. You never know what you are going through until you walk in someone else’s shoes.

The average person wouldn’t think I struggle with food insecurity, mental health, and loneliness if you met me. I excel in school but the average person would not know how hard I work.

It’s not about our limitations and it shouldn’t be an excuse but we all know the struggle is real.

My heart is in this post because on Friday I realized I don’t remember the last time I was held when I cried maybe when my grandma held me in the absence of my mother. I have mom figures but no mom. I have a foster mom, god mom, and spiritual mom and when I asked just for a hug for my birthday they all said “no”. I have no father and my twin brother and I are estranged for the better.

So I struggle alone then I realized that it was a choice. I have a tribe from my trans bros to my church. It’s a unique tribe but it’s mine.

Be encouraged and find your tribe, be loyal a giver, and a receiver. That’s why I get so happy when I’m a thither because I’m giving back to my home church that pours life into me.

Suicide comes to mind sometimes and I wonder who will plant my tree with my ashes. Then I think of life and my ancestors and how I am the answer to four generations ago a great-grandmother and father I am an answered prayer of a former slave. Then I say to myself push on.

I want to live abundantly without lack and financial struggles and I feel like those days coming sooner rather than later. Be encouraged and encourage yourself.

Be encouraged and live on

Be encouraged and call on your tribe. Call on your God. Call on Jesus. Buddha. Alah whomever you worship. I’m not here to condemn. We all have our own journey but call on your tribe.

I hope this post encouraged you. As it set me free to write it.

Blessings.

-Domenia Xih Zih

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Black Beauty <3

31 May 2023

Being African American, faith, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Topic Thought.

Dear Readers,

there is beauty in being Black. I never saw this my whole life until I started attending Elm City Vineyard church. I was captive by this young baby only 2 wearing a white dress and a mini afro. She was free. It set me free into my own beauty. I wanted to tell her you are beautiful and now that I know her mom who is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen I’m seeing and loving my own black beauty.

When I was female, I was never told you are beautiful. I was told your too dark go wash your face. I remember telling my grandma who took a washcloth with bleach to scrub my face and I said “Grandma, grandma I’m just dark.” That’s how I ever saw myself as just “dark” until I met this baby playing with toys and my eyes cried because I saw Jesus through her and she was just being herself a child playing with other children and unaware of the power she holds because she is the reflection of the creator himself. I wish I was taught this.

At home in the mirror just pj’s and said, “You are handsome, beautiful, radiant, and chosen.” I wept. I felt this impression in my soul saying, “I hear you, I’ve always heard you, and I am near you.”

Sunday, I saw another young black girl who made a mistake, and her mother went over simply kissed her cheeks, nose, and forehead; and the child went playing. I felt Jesus giving me the kiss of a father and mother that I have never gotten. I felt my inner child finally begin to heal.

Then I noticed this strong voice singing in the worship team, giving God her all so beautiful, lovely, and pure. I felt drawn to her in a spiritual and when I learned her name and her daughter’s name. I realized the first little afro I saw was her Princess, and she was the baby girl’s Queen. I prayed that night before I knew her name Lord send me a Surrenity. To love and hold, to grow old with, to have children of different races, and raise a kingdom of many nations. I later found out that the mother’s name was Surrenity.

I didn’t make a mistake in spelling her name for that is how she spells it, and God placed an impression on my heart and questioned my rationale and intellect with when, will you Surrender so I can send you a king or queen to loved and behold, marvel at their beauty and raise a multi-ethnic family of many nations? My answer today simple and yet complex: Dear Lord God of the heavens my answer is “now, and yes.”

There’s a sermon bubbling within me. There are messages I have to preach for all young beauties Kings and Queens to listen then see. I have a word from God swelling in my heart, the Holy Spirit swelling and jumping in my soul. A message for the nation for the LGBTQIA+ nation not to condemn; however, to say who you love is not wrong, who you become to be is “beautiful” but that theres was once a man who died on a wooden cross for you to see yourself as beautiful and not mistake! To see yourself a noble person, a chosen person, and a whole person.

I, as a transgender man, was fragmented for so long and ‘n some ways still am. But I know my calling. I hear the Lord saying “this is the way; walk in it.” I hear the voice within myself saying “I see you, I hear you and I need you.” My simp[e and complex answer to this God that I have never seen but His Holy Spirit within I witness first to myself in saying “yes and amen!”

This all started with a beautiful young princess and her Queen her Momma! That God is saying to me “yes, you I choose you” I’m not the best writer and there are often grammar mistakes but I want my readers to know I write from my soul for it is my voice. I want readers to know You are Chosen and Will be made whole. For thy God is with you, and he’ll leave the 99 for you the 1!

-Domenia

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State of my UNION

30 Apr 2021

Journal Style!, My Story, Topic Thought.

Dear Tim Scott,

Great job. Not! Your rebuttal was full of empty words, increased divisiveness between the American people, a disgrace to our black ancestors who blood and sweat built this country lastly I wouldn’t be surprised if you lost the vote and support of every black man and women whom you once inspired; now you’ve been a black sell out for the falsehood of a partisan lie.

Do you know what it’s like to be poor? Do you know what it’s like to be on food stamps, living on disability, and begging for a opportunity to make it out the hood as a black transgender (FTM) man? Do you know my pain? Do you know what it’s like waiting in a state building for your food stamps renewal to go through? or Medicaid? or Medicare? Try waiting for 3 hours on a good day with kids screaming and crying lines out the door. Poverty looks great, huh!

Why hinder President Biden?

Let me tell you and America my story. Raised in foster care. Paid my way through college with loans and scholarships. Hit by a car. Worked years as a barista at Starbucks (are you a vanilla latte-guy?). I have bipolar disorder with anxiety, depression and psychosis. My medication costs more than 3k a month. In yet I studied hard and went to school. With a foster family who loved me on condition. I attempted suicide after the accident and in a mixed episode state my foster parents said they could give me a sleeping bag but I could not come home. I lived on the beach. I showered in the ocean. I was dirty. I stinked. I was poor. To this day without my mentor mommy I would not be able to eat healthy and lose weight if she didn’t give me money for food. I only get 158$ a month for food stamps.My rent is almost 300$ and my disability is 700$. Don’t forget bills! We need the Biden package. People like me! I worked and worked at a restaurant so I could get a free meal. Eventually I joined a program called Continuum of Care, received medicaid, disability, found public housing (still there) and am living with chronic pain from a body that never healed correctly after being hit by a car while riding a bike from work in the rain at night because a white cop gave me an order, threatened me and I obeyed. Because of my obedience I was hit and because of my obedience the cop blamed me for the accident. No parents. Just a mentor who is my mommy. A praying God mother. And Continuum of Care.

Because of Continuum I have a home, treatment, insurance, and income. Continuum exists because of people like President Biden and Vice President Harris.

I am now applying for a msw program so I can start a real life and a family. Hopefully find a wife. I dream of starting a program where youth in foster care can age out go to college out of state and have a home to come to, earn a driver’s license, and mentor high school foster youth and have successful and powerful internships in the state of CT; so I can work on breaking the inner city negative poverty mindset. It’s no fun to make it out alone. I want a team!

President Biden, package yes, is pricey. I know. Work with him. We as America need both parties. Being progressive for me doesn’t mean being democrat it means continually pressing towards a goal for the better good of mankind.

Let’s stop knocking each other down and let’s start building one another up. If Jesus were to see what America has come to be he’d be disappointed. Love one another as you love yourself. Question,have you ever spoken to a transgender person and asked our story? What’s it like coming out? What’s it like going through another puberty? Continually asserting your pronouns and being afraid to use the bathrooms. Afraid to go to church. I came out to my church and there was a prayer circle around me to change. Some people treated me like a disease and pastors who were my aunts never answered my phone calls. My family disowned me twice.

Lastly! I think you should go to Oakland Cali. With sweatpants, hoodie and Jordans. Go to a bodega buy a Pepsi (you guys still boycotting Coke?)and see how the police treat you. They won’t see Senator Tim Scott..They will see a black man! I live in New Haven Connecticut and they will see a black man you will be stopped and asked questions if you’re lucky and harrassed. Not everyone in America is racist. But America was built on racism, genocide, greed, hate and lust. Don’t be blind to the truth for the sake of anyone and/or political party. Open your eyes! America sees you!

Truly,

Domenia Zih

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Category: Journal Style!

I meant to die at 25. I’m 32: The God of SECOND chance!

Be encouraged!-We all need a tribe

Black Beauty <3

State of my UNION