Though I walk through the shadows of darkness
Meet with the feelings of fear
Ideologies of defeat
Curiosity for uncertainty
and face personal persecution
This is my mind
Battling depression
Plagued by Anxiety
My mind will not win
I will not be defeated
I will not sub cum to destruction
Instead, I will fight
Every day until the last breath I take, I will fight
And with God on my side
I will win!
It’s Jan. 8. Kwanzaa has ended, and I’ve realized that it has taken me 8 days to write my last blog entry for Kwanzaa.
Jesus: Take up your cross and follow me
Me: What does that truly mean?
Jesus: That means you will cry with others, laugh with others, mourn with others.
That means you will feed others before yourself, clothe others before yourself.
Pray for others before yourself. That means you will follow the blameless life I led.
Stone no one, judge no one, hate no one
But, Love Everyone
Take care of my bride, your Earth
Heal the sick
Heal the soul, preach with confidence, and assurance
Believe in me, and be baptized in AGAPE love!
Pay your taxes
Take all the lessons you’ve learned this year to bring forth NEW actions
I’ve given you a brand new day, with New possible opportunities
Never let them pass
Never let a moment escape
You’re my child, and whom I am proud of
Happy New Year
Me: Ok! I’ll follow you.
Dear Continuum Care of Connecticut,
You guys have changed my life. I’m still a pain in the ass, but you’ve changed my life. You welcomed me into your clinic as bipolar, schizophrenic, and gender fluid with open arms; telling me “Recovery is Possible.” Your staff hugged, listened to me cry, watch md fall to the floor, walked me through anxiety attacks, and much more. Thank-you. I think the best thing that could have ever happened this year, was for me to become homeless. I say that with tears because it was the hardest thing. Being hungry isn’t fun, feeling dirty hurts one’s self-esteem, and then there is the shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing that accompanies one when they become homeless. Continuum is still there, will give you a bed for the night and food to eat, and a new family, if you’re willing to accept it.
I have a different story because I don’t have substance abuse problems nor am I an alcoholic. However, I have a mental illness and I needed support. I thought I was going to be judge, and that Continuum was like every other program I’ve ever been in. But I was wrong.
Like an angel, you sent me John L. He has a warm heart, kind spirit and has a strong testimony. He reminds me of a lion and protects those that he is sworn to. He is honest and noble, generous, comforting and a bold and noble leader.
Then there is Jill G. I call her a thug, a swear she used to run the cartels. Now I laugh because it’s silly. I say she is a thug because she is blunt and honest, right in your face with the truth and will not let anyone run from their lives and their responsibility. She is still teaching me to be responsible for honesty and to work with integrity. I come to her even when I know what she is going to say because she is like a bald eagle. You don’t see many of them, and when you do your star struck and attentive because you know that this moment is rare. So I listen!
Sue Brown, thank-you for forgetting my diet coke. Lol. For smiling with me, for secretly crying with me. For believing in me. And for not letting me go, even when I tried to push you away. God Bless you!
Monica and Maria, my mama’s! They mothered me and protected me, but trusted me to make the right choices. When I felt like my urges to self-harm was too strong they went outside their way to listen to me, and get to know me. The two of them are books of walking wisdom. They taught me more coping skills than those that I ever learned from in therapy. It’s always a good day when they work. All the clients love them, and they bring light to a dull day. Thank you for sharing them with me.
Renee C. thank-you for being the bold and courageous diva and to listen to my story during intake, helping me make appointments, and really look into my eyes and see me as a person before you read my file. Lisa, thank you for your kind energy, wonderful spirit, and an open mind. You never let me down, and always helped me look at a negative situation in a positive manner. Lauren, thanks for talking to me about anything that was on my mind. Thanks for encouraging me to be a “geek,” an honest one. Thanks for seeing me through each panic attack, and knowing when I needed to go to the hospital or not. It’s a tough decision to make, but I trust you.
To the rest of Crisis and Respite and ELP 1, thank you for fighting for me to continue to have a home. I know the fight isn’t over, but I couldn’t wait any longer to express my gratitude. You guys rock! You change lives! You’re angels and sunlight when people are at their lowest. You deserve the most pay ever, and if I had it I’d give it.
To Barbara, thank you for coming to my grandmothers funeral. We’ve never talked about that day, but you held my hand and was only a step away. I’ve never had a family like this.
Jill always says a family is what you make it, and sometimes you have to go outside yourself and make your own family. Continuum Care of CT you’re my new family.
I’m proud to say I’ve been sober from self-harm for two months today. It’s all apart of my purpose. My heart before I meet you guys was pompous, arrogant and boastful. I walked passed a lot of homeless people who ended up being my roommates. Being homeless allowed to hear the hearts of others, to know why they started to use drugs or quit their meds. To pray with them before they’re discharged and to be able to say hi to them on the streets when we separated. I’ve cried with others, mourned with others, and laugh with others. I think just by sharing these mutual emotions that I made God proud. This journey of mine with mental health and homelessness was my purpose and confirmed my decision that in three semesters I’ll graduate with my BA in Psychology and Ministry. Then I’ll pursue an MSW, so I can do what you do, give back and help save lives. Then one day, I’ll pursue my Ph.D. in Positive Psychology.
You see it’s apart of my purpose for me to feel stronger, healthy pride, love, have the integrity to be bold, open-minded, sense of curiosity and much more. My purpose and future are possible because of Continuum, Jill, John Crisis, ELP 1..you guys gave me hope when many times I wanted to just kill myself and hope my pain would end. Now I see a story and destiny in my pain.
This is my Nia!
This is Dedicated to Continuum Care of Connecticut.
I had the privilege of working for Jessica Ginnow and her business, “The Clay Date.” An Amazing experience it was. I have had the opportunity to tell Jessica (the owner) thank you for hiring me and trusting me with your business. When I had started the job, I was pretty sure my bipolar disorder was going to rule my life and I would never be able to function like a normal person. Jessica saw differently! I worked my first 35 hour work week without calling out. I felt capable! I felt strength! I felt joy! I always felt loved!
The world around me could be going up in smoke, but while I worked at The Clay Date, I was given a glimpse of heaven. I was happy and happiness found me. Hope was restored. I gain more than a job, I gained a friend and a new church home at City Church. Jessica came to work every day with a big smile, and great energy, she has a passion for art and granting people serenity, peace, hope, and making encouraging each customer and employees heart with purpose, grace, and mercy.
The four months I worked there and my temperament changed, self-esteem increased and love for people was magnified. I was never judge for being who I am, Jessica treated and saw me as a child of God. I was also able to get to know her family. I saw the way they function and her being a mom. She also worked with her husband Dave who gave me my first piece of pottery to paint. Dave, I’m grateful. You guys are a family to me, and great friends. You’re great people. You have great energy and great intent.
The Clay Date is a small business, and Ujama is a day during Kwanzaa when we celebrate small businesses. So I’m celebrating Jessica, Dave and her family and their business The Clay Date. We need places like The Clay Date. The world needs more Jessica Ginnow’s not big corporate evil operations. We need places where the money is going to a good cause, hearts are being changed and children are being raised to be leaders and being told that it’s okay to be an individual.
And guess what, you can also enjoy a good “latte” while you’re there because it’s also a coffee shop. 🙂 I forgot to mention. I love me some good coffee. So If you’re in New Haven, CT and want to paint pottery, hand make candles, build your clay projects, paint pottery, glass fusion, board or canvas art stop by.
No, this isn’t a paid advertisement, but I hope my followers and people new to my blog, will see how important it is to invest in little America, and be able to find an art studio like I have where they’re free to be who God created them to be.
Joyous Kwanzaa.
My Journey, My Style 