Hi I’m Xih,

And I’m lonely. I long for a mother who cannot love me with the virtue and passion I love her with. I’m lonely. I attend an amazing church with people I love and who have grown to love me, but will not permit me to minister in their church. The church I call home. Hi, I’m grief! Grieving over the dysfunctional family I had, but since Grandma died, we have all separated. Were we ever together? Hi, I’m anger over the time I’ve lost due to mental health, lack of educational guidance, and not receiving a hug from a Dickey in 4 years.

I have staff that helps me. But I’m grieving the life I once had. If Belmont Street meant me pain for decades when they closed their door, they have done well.

Hi, I’m grateful because every day I experience my intense bipolar filled emotions, and I don’t take more than prescribed, I don’t overdose, I don’t take a bullet, I don’t jump over a bridge these days. I give my Jesus gratitude for keeping me safe from myself. Nicotine and sex took away the pain for a long time, then these vices didn’t work, and I had to look towards health.

No friend can take this away, this swallowing hole of darkness. ECV can’t help me. I have to find grounding within myself, within my faith; I am trying to figure out, within my identity, in my socioeconomics class, in my educational standings; within my Savior. You may not believe in Jesus, but I proudly do. I’m trans and gay, and I’d rather have Jesus than all the silver and gold on earth.

I don’t get hugs, I don’t get kisses; and if I do, it’s from my aunt Sue once a month. I don’t want presents for my birthday; I just ask Jesus to shower me down with rain. Since my pastor won’t rebaptize me, maybe this rain, this water will be Jesus hugging me and cleansing me. Where I can cry in it, and no one can tell the difference between my tears and rain falling from the sky. If it thunders, I can yell, and in lightning I dance. Correct that, I don’t dance; “we dance”. Yes, Jesus and I. We dance. Until the sun goes down and the moon rises, we dance, in the rain, in the snow, during a hurricane, and a blizzard. My father that you cannot see. Sees me. His prized possession, his son. I can see my Great Grandma, my Gramma, Apostle Green, Minister Daniels, Aunt Ruth, Aunt Naomi, Ms. Dixon, and angels I’ve never met on this earth watching and cheering me on. Yell in the stands of heaven as if the Cowboys just won a Super Bowl.

We dance, we sing, we scream, we cry, we laugh, we grieve, yes, my Savior and I.

Loneliness won’t forever define me. Jesus will continue to help and guide me. Jesus will equally bear the weight, my Savior and I.

Thanks for reading,

Hi, my name is Joy!!!!