My Journey, My Style

Kwanzaa Kujichagulia

27 Dec 2021

Truth & Foster Care

Kujichagulia ~ Self Determination. “To Define Ourselves, Name Ourselves, Create For Ourselves And Speak For Ourselves

What are you determined to change about yourself to improve?

What are you determined about this world change?

What are you determined in this world to use your voice for to make ripples in the water to speak for future generations to come?

What gets you fired up? What makes you angry enough to say, enough is enough? What are you determined to be the change for this year and for eternity?

I take this Nguza Saba principle as a charge or order, and a question to answer.

One that will be answered when you have lived out your “dash.” What do I mean about living by saying “living out your dash” When you die there is the day you are born and a dash between the day you die. What is remembered and eulogized is the “dash”

One question:

What will your dash say?

I pray in hope mine will say, brave, courageous, noble warrior who lived for truth and self-actualization. Who saught out the light in everyone and every situation. Saw every obstacle as an opportunity for growth and self-awareness. Grounded in integrity bathed in righteousness that can only be crown from the King of the Heavens. Educated and educator. Father and philanthropist, prolific public speaker, and minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Transgender yet transcendent. Lover and a fighter. The reader of words and life. Self-determined to make life better not only for himself but for those coming behind and beside him. A giant slayer and generational leader. This is my hope for the readers of my “dash”

What are yours?

Habari Gani!

Joyous Kwanzaa.

In remembrance of Archbishop Desmond Tutu

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Kwanzaa: Umoja

27 Dec 2021

Truth & Foster Care

Today is the first day of Kwanzaa it is Umoja which means Unity and it was an amazing day. Christmas brought a day of blues, I had no electricity and heat and my animals were so cold I thought that they had died. It was a day of despair. I stayed in bed. It started on Christmas Eve when I realized this would be another holiday alone no parents, or friends, or mentors, just me. I wanted to blame it on covid but this is every year. Last time I had a real Christmas I was a teen with my foster family around a tree opening gifts and I was too mentally ill to appreciate it. I wish I could take those days back. Because now those days are bleak.

It’s interesting that Kwanzaa started on a Sunday. My favorite day of the week because I love hearing sermons from Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation Church. Unity to me was texting a few friends but reconnecting with Jesus on an in-depth level in knowing I may not wake up to family nor hear from them anymore but I have so much to be grateful for my and the idea of a family for me has evolved. I have a Continuum Family, my mentor mommy is pregnant and married, I have my foster family, I have pets and friends I made across the world from Elevation church. I also had top surgery and I feel great becoming the man I was and always have been.

Umoja has evolved it’s not just being around the people you are born to but those you surround yourself with and allow yourself to love you. Covid has allowed me to broaden myself, even more, public speaking engagements have started and I have created friendships and am starting graduate school at an all-accepting Christian University studying Social Work and Positive Psychology. Umoja means the unity of dreams coming true, communities coming together, and self-growth.

I’m grateful. This has been a sad year regarding covid and deaths. However, relationships have budded in my life and ended. All are considered a blessing. I worked two jobs one educating k-1 students and a second helping homeless veterans.

What really put the icing on the cake tonight was that I realized every tear I cried Jesus caught and put in a jar. And he (Jesus) also cried too. Every time I wanted to give up there was an angel sent my way. Every time I was hungry and had no food or money God sent angels to help me out. He also sent me a brother. I’ve never been alone in my darkest hour. I remember what makes Christmas so great was that God was silent for over 400 hundred years and the hope was that he was sending a Messiah and he sent a baby. Jesus came into this world as King but as one of us needing naps and diaper changes too. He came lowly and rose highly. Then he died on a cross for our sins if you choose to believe so that there will never be years of silence between creation and God again. I found hope in this. I knew this. But to hear it again with compassion, humor made me cry I and I felt my pain release. I knew I can no longer look back. My trauma is just that trauma, not my future. My past will help me be a better person, social worker, and psychologist. My trauma will be my motivator, not my hinder.

I’ve been released. Joyous Kwanzaa indeed it has been for me. Umoja Everyone May You All Have A Story To Tell

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Dear Mom

3 Dec 2021

Truth & Foster Care

Dear Mom,

I cannot make you get a booster. I wish you saw the death that I have because that might change your mind. It’s hard to accept. It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that you can die of this awful disease that has killed almost 800,000 Americans and 5 were my friends and 3 family members. It’s hard to reach out to you because you don’t read but watch the world but through the tv. You won’t pick up a book or an article. You’re no longer an educator, you’re just existing just a shell of the woman I once knew. You take medication from doctors not knowing what it is. You’re having surgeries and you have no idea what they’re doing but it’s science; so is the booster. I’m immunocompromised and already had the stomach flu. I have other mothers I’ll make it. But I cannot have someone who can put my life in jeopardy around for me or my one-day future kids. We can talk via Whatsapp. But we can no longer see each other. I know you’ll see this as black and white but there is so much grey. I love you but I cherish my health more. If you decided to get the booster then we can hang again if not this is the path you have chosen and you have really lost two children. One because he is an asshole and the other because of your choice. I pray to hug you again and kiss you. I wish you well. I’m losing you twice once to foster care and this time to covid vaccine denial and that shouldn’t be the answer. I also need space to digest this. I probably won’t call for a while. It’s just so hard. But I needed to make this statement so the world could hold me accountable. Talking to you is painful for I don’t know if it’s going to be my last and I want to be able to control that and not a disease. So I’m saying goodbye for now but not forever. One day I hope you will have your child back. It’s been a great year with you in my life. I’ll cherrish it as if it’s been a decade. I will honor you and respect you.

You Son,

Domenia Zih.

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Thanks n Pain

25 Nov 2021

Truth & Foster Care

I woke up with the intention of this day being a great day. I wrote in my prayer journal telling Jesus what I’m thankful for and I meant every single word. I spent the holidays alone and after overcoming foster care and homelessness being alone on the holidays isn’t as tough. I have a home to be alone in and that makes a difference. I’m thankful. I was able to text and video my birth mom and even see my biological family and that’s where things went sour. I was called a n*igga because my Baptist family disrespects me and doesn’t accept me as a transgender man. I was called my *dead nickname instead of Zih or my preferred birthname Domenia. I was ignored and passed from family member to family member I haven’t seen in years who weren’t interested in me and my favorite aunt called me a n*igga. I refused to let that spoil my ground turkey taco day. I hung up with texted friends and supported and listened to sermons and I prayed. I felt at peace. I felt a stillness like God had heard me and I would be vindicated through love, not through wrath or vengeance. I don’t believe God is like that. Tacos were yummy. My friends were also isolated from families’ newbies in the game (it’s sad that that’s what I call it but it’s my numbness to it). I texted that aunt telling her to “never disrespect me again. My name is Domenia Zih. Just call me Domenia if you have nothing else to call me. I haven’t seen you in years. I froze when I saw you because I couldn’t believe it was you and you were alive. You are my favorite aunt. Who won’t respect me as a transgender man? Goodbye then. I’m done with the Dickey’s I’m not one of you guys and never have been. Don’t you ever call me a n*igga again or else I will sue you and bring you to family/civil court. Good Bye”

She texted me back explaining she always says that and I know it. I responded “I don’t know you. I was homeless for over 3 years and you were nowhere to be found. I tried to call you and get your son who I call my little brother sneakers and you wouldn’t respond to me. I tested you asking you to talk to me and why won’t you talk to me? I asked why are you judging me for being transgender when you are a minister? You remain quiet for years.” She sent laughing emojis so I contacted Verizon and blocked her. before I blocked her I warned her if she “reaches out to me again were going to court and I’m calling the cops for harassment and I meant it”

Why am I telling you this because this was painful? Something I have been avoiding experiencing. This experience proved growth. If this same experience happened to me before I was on my meds and found a home I’d be in the hospital for a suicide attempt. This experience allowed me to see my life differently and how I used to respond to situations and I don’t think if I hadn’t started my testosterone, my schizophrenia injection, or meds I would be able to tell this testimony. I’m not going to let anyone steal my joy or the progress I’ve made. I’m starting graduate school on Jan. 3rd, 2022. I’m no longer the victim but the victor. I am powerful. I am an overcomer. I am courageous. I am of good courage. I am a winner. I am a child of God. I am noble. I am patient, kind, loving, and peaceful.

Guess what, so are You, YES YOU!

Don’t let anyone pull you out of your character and make you feel less than a person or a child of the highest God. Don’t let anyone pull negativity out of you when out of you flows oils of mercy and meekness. Don’t let anyone treat you like shit either. Stand up for yourself with decency and integrity. count every day above the ground as a day to give thanks not just one day a year. You can accomplish your dream and aspire to achieve higher. I believe in you

Happy Thanksgiving.

Me!

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Kwanzaa Kujichagulia

Kwanzaa: Umoja

Dear Mom

Thanks n Pain