I turned 29 yesterday! I never thought I’d see the day…my friends and family know I struggle with my mental illness but not many knew I had a plan to kill myself by my 25th birthday because the pain of existing was too much. Growing up all I wanted was a place to call home, a sense of belonging (got it!), self-identity, love, my mom healthy whether she was in my life or out my life, a college degree (got it!), an MSW, a Ph.D., a lover, a family of my own, a faith I identified with (got it!) and the list continues. When I realized that the attainability of this list was getting harder and hard; being mentally healthy was more of a dream I concocted this plan that I’d live till 25. Here I am four years later with a place to call home, a sense of belonging, self-identity, my mom in my life healthy, my faith strong and striving and the list continues.
It’s 3:27 am and I’d rather be sleeping for one more hour but I had to get this out. God reminded me that not only have I gotten so much of what I was looking for I had people all along who never stopped believing in me like my Mentor and God Mother. I was homeless yet fed. I was homeless yet kept a job. I was homeless yet still in school. I had medical (emphasis on “had”) debt but survived. I’m mentally stable. I have waves and bumps but I ride through them smoothly. I have the best treatment team known to man. God just reminded me at 3:48 am I was never alone and I have a lifetime to live; to climb more heights, see countries, help people overcome obstacles and fears, and to live.
So I was intended to write about regrets but I have none beside not trusting God and myself that I could have gotten healthier a lot sooner. Healthy is scary but oh’ so worth it. Yes, I need medication but the stability it offers is out of this world. Yes, I go to therapy and sometimes more than once a week and that’s ok. It’s my journey, my style…
Next in my career is an MSW than a Ph.D. One day at a time. One foot in front of another.
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
My only wish is to continue to strive towards self-actualization.
My last wish is for personal growth in my education, mental health, physical health, spirituality in my overall life
I’m angry. I’m pissed. I’m hurting. There’s not a word magnificent enough nor profound enough to express how black and scared I am. I am a black trans man. The rate of me being killed are high by a policeman, by a white person, and by a black person. Does my life matter? Or am I just a mere atom taking up space in what we call existence waiting to die and decompose in the ground. To die the black illnesses high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, Covid-19 or worse by the gun of a white man; a white cop?
Out of mind out of sight! or is it Out of sight out of mind?!
When is one black life enough? When does it stop? How do I tell young black men, young trans men you have a future when in reality their life is seconds away from none…
White people. White fucking people! WHITE MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE, will you stop killing me? White people, what is one black life worth to you? WHITE PEOPLE, hear the cries from the earth. All we want to do is live! We get it your better than us. We get it you deserve all the power. We get it your superior to us. We fucking get it. So I ask BLACK PEOPLE, we have to force change and challenge that ideology in order for change to come.
WHITE PEOPLE, we can buy your clothing and organic food. We can speak like you and attend your schools. (sometimes!) We can hide our blackness but as the sun fade, you only see our teeth. As the sunshine, we only look like a shadow.
WHITE PEOPLE, what the fuck are you afraid of? What the fuck are you afraid of? Why are you killing our sons and daughters? Why are we falsely accused of crimes we didn’t commit? Why do we live in the slums?? Why do we pay to your tithes and offerings for your churches to grow and build more Starbucks and were looking for a Dunkin Donuts.
BLACK PEOPLE RAISE YOUR VOICE! YES!!!! YES!!! I’m screaming…You can’t hear my voice so hear my words. I’m SCREAMING and pulling my hair…MY PEOPLE ARE DYING…EVERY DAY…EVERY YEAR..more death after death it is something that has come to be the daily norm and WHITE FUCKING PEOPLE walk away with good conscious and a clear record.
BLACK PEOPLE let’s mobilize. BLACK PEOPLE let’s organize. SYSTEMIC Racism is a disease and we must find a cure for it ourselves. WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR OURSELVES. I’m Angry. I’m Hurt. I’m Scared. If I don’t look the right way or answer in the correct tone my name may be next in the news..
GOD HEAR OUR CRY. FORGIVE US. CHANGE US. HEAL US. Black people and White people. GOD you see no color. God, you see your children. GOD you see no orientation you see your people. Jesus, you see your brothers and sisters. Jesus, we are the ones you died for and we are dying every day.
Mr. Domenia Xih Zih
BLACK PEOPLE cry out to the sun and moon. BLACK PEOPLE jump and shout until there is a mighty earthquake. BLACK PEOPLE stop killing each other as a white person show. BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. BLACK GAY PEOPLE. BLACK MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE. BLACK INCARCERATED. BLACK FREE PEOPLE. BLACK CHILDREN. BLACK MEN. BLACK WOMEN. BLACK TRANS PEOPLE. BLACK NON BINARY PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. GOD’s PEOPLE.
CRY
SCREAM
SHOUT, MAKE A MIGHTY RAWR
I’m fucking angry. I’m hurting and this pain doesn’t go away. I numb it. BUT NO MORE. NO MORE I SAY. NO MORE!
BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE LET’s BE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE. LET’s DEMAND THE CHANGE WE NEED. LET’s HEAL OUR PEOPLE. LET’s EDUCATE our people starting out with lesson one: WE ARE BLACK and BLACK FIRST. Unapologetically BLACK. WE ARE the successors of SLAVERY. We OVERCAME JIM FUCKING CROW. WE ARE STRONG. WE WILL FUCKING DEFEAT DONALD JACKASS TRUMP!!!! WE ARE MIGHTY IN THE LAND. WE ARE BLACK. and yet SCARED!
My Journey, My Style 