My Journey, My Style

Kujichagulia; where is it?

27 Dec 2019

Being African American, kwanzaa, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Topic Thought.

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination): To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

The past three years have been years of triumph for me. I overcame my mental illness. It’s still there, and bad days still come however, it doesn’t affect me like it used to. I overcame homelessness. I’m not in a condo but no longer in a shelter. I graduated from college! I lost my grandmother and gained personal strength. I came out as transgender (FtM) and started HRT and I’m loving the journey. I lost my family and created a new one. In spite of all my loss and gain, I never lost my faith.

I took control of my life. I’m setting the course for my destiny. I’m fighting doubt, some days depression, some days energy in order to be the best I can be. I’m fighting an eating disorder that I tried to bury for years. I’m winning each fight.

No longer timid or shy. Not as afraid of tomorrow as I once was. I’m gaining my barrings. I am finding a love for life, for people, nature, and animals. I see God in the little details of life not just in the blessings.

Kujichagulia is my favorite principle of Kwanzaa because it’s where I get to see my physical strengths and literal improvements. While on my journey through school, I realize that everyone’s pace in life is different. We don’t all walk or run the same distance or at the same speed. It took me 9 years to graduate. Many of my friends are done with their Master’s degrees and becoming doctors and lawyers. Some are parents and married. And I’m just starting to bud. That’s ok! I realize that it’s ok! I’m not my friends and they are not me, and as long as we win in this life, that’s what matters.

Kujichagulia is about celebrating our journey. Seeing our strength. Valuing the superpowers and the capabilities the Creator gave us. No longer comparing and shaming but seeing our journey as pure beauty. Kujichagulia reminds that I am allowed to be who I want to be. Love who I want to love. Live however peacefully as I can. Kujichagulia tells me that I have a duty to leave this earth a little better. Kujichagulia tells me to leave a mark for the generation behind me.

As a great pastor once said to me, “we (you) are world changers and history makers.” Life is a gift from the beholder and we are to create, express, forgive, love, and be driven with self-determination.

Joyous Kwanzaa.

Domenia

No comments on Kujichagulia; where is it?
Umoja is coming!

26 Dec 2019

Being African American, kwanzaa, Truth & Foster Care

Umoja (Unity): To strive for and to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

No one really knows why this holiday means so much to me. What is it? Is the question I am asked when I mention it. To me, it’s self-expressive and can be celebrated in a plethora of ways. However, it touches my heart because of my aunt; before I went into foster care it was Christmas there I realized my place in poverty and then Kwanzaa started this and gave me hope for my future and to celebrate being black, queer (LGTBQ), trans, educated, the children, the elderly; feeling no shame but inspired every day and every year to be my best. I promised to keep it close to my heart because one day there would be unity in my life. Unity within my family.

Its principles are where my attributes of integrity, wholeness, creativity; all the good that encompasses a person. Yes, Kwanzaa is meant to celebrate African American Heritage, and I don’t take that away, but it’s more inclusive than one race. I’m Proud of being of African Decent! I’m proud of my kinky and coiled hair. I’m proud of my faith and all the faiths that Africans celebrate. But let us not forget that the African American race is combined of many races, therefore, when one hurts we all hurt; when one is joyful we all celebrate; when one mourns we all mourn. Kwanzaa is collective and created in wholeness striving in our countries communities.

So today is Umoja meaning unity. My family is broken but my life isn’t broken. I have a family that I created. Unity is the design for all humanity the hope of the creator. So today your life might not be all together, and your family too may be broken. You may have hurts and past hurts. You may have just experienced the biggest catastrophe in your life.

Unity is coming. Hold on and keep fighting. This holiday isn’t just for African American people but for people who celebrate this melting pot of a country. The odds are in your favor. 2020 I believe will be a great year full of blessings and joy. With division and strife in our country, I believe that Umoja is coming.

Celebrate Umoja through gratitude, self-reflection, and loving the community of people that surround you. Celebrate Umoja by being yourself, being expressive, being accountable, and the leader of your community. Celebrate Umoja through thankfulness, being affirming and accepting. Umoja is made up of different faiths, different skin tones, different backgrounds, and LOVE! Celebrate Umoja with me!

Unity is coming!

Joyous Kwanzaa!

No comments on Umoja is coming!
The heart that matters

15 Dec 2019

faith, Journal Style!, Topic Thought.

I just listened to my pastor speak about the “heart that matters.” I’m still getting used to this softer approach to Jesus, instead of the condemnation I was raised listening to in sermons.

The gist of the sermon was not to continually contemplate our faults, imperfections, failures and “lack off’s”. It’s the heart behind the faults, imperfections, and failures that matters. This is the main ingredient to the Christian faith; we are not perfect and fall many times, it’s the heart that matters and how we get back up.

An unusual topic for me to hear with love and in love esp. by a pastor. However, it’s true. I’ve hurt many people and acted outside of my character. Having a mental illness I am different and I process life differently. I never intend to hurt a soul. It hurts me when I find out I hurt someone. It hurts because I know the feeling of rejection, self-hate, judgment; feelings of projected anger and just ugliness. I know these feelings all too well. Knowing I inflicted this hurt onto another soul I resent, reject. self-loathe and I become bitter towards myself. Then it becomes a cycle!

My heart is always in the right place. This is the story with most of us. We don’t want to hurt other people, let alone neglect our various religious beliefs maybe even our family values. It’s the heart that matters. When we evaluate ourselves we should inspect our intent and the execution of what happened. Be honest with ourselves. Genuinely make amends if possible. If not we need to forgive ourselves. The “move on”.

I know as a Christian God doesn’t remember every act that’s negative we commit. He looks at the heart behind the action. I bet Allah and Buddha do too. We need to realize every person born and even animal will make mistakes, it’s getting back up that counts. It’s the heart of getting up and moving on; allowing each incident to be a teacher so that we grow into the beautiful people we are.

We grow from glory to glory. God already is in love with us. God already adores us, we have his personal stamp of approval. God smiles reign on us daily. We are his children and creation. He cheers for us as we play the game of life and even if we miss the mark he is the coach encouraging us to get up and keep playing.

Friends, you may not believe in the God I do. I respect you. You are validated in my heart! You may be Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddist, even Atheist but when we fall to the source of our creation who just wants us to win the fight of life. Life’s short and we are to keep getting up, fighting, and making a difference for others. It’s the “heart that matters”. We will not be perfect. I will never be perfect. However, I will commit to being the best version of myself I can be.

What’s great about that is no one can be you but “you”. You’re a unique and divine creation. You’re the only you. I’m the only me. But that doesn’t mean we cannot be happy, nor does it entail that we don’t deserve happiness. We deserve all the blessings, favor, joy, contentment with all of creation and from our creators.

So please, smile today. Let tomorrow be tomorrow. Know you’re the best “you” today. Let tomorrow be a mystery and embrace it when we face it.

Blessings,

Domenia Zih

1 comment on The heart that matters
Who I am! Where I’ve been!

11 Dec 2019

College!, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story

Readers and Followers,

I’ve been away! Sorry. I needed time to heal and to become stable. I needed to know more about myself. I am now a graduate of Palm Beach Atlantic University. It took 9 years however, I did it.

I needed to create a community for myself. I lost a lot of people on the way. I came out as a Transma FtM (look for more posts on this). I am no longer homeless. I have been declared emotionally stable, with no hospital visits for 2 years and 7 months 11 days.

I’m older! I’m 28. Almost 30! No children or partners yet!

My grandmother has passed. I lost my last great aunt and my forever family. As a result, I was homeless for about 3 years. Life moving from a treatment shelter to supported housing to my own studio apartment has been a journey I’d never want to take again.

I have the best treatment and support team ever. I have the best momma bear Dr. Mouriz. I have a bunny son named Jhonni Root Canal. I am a foster parent to a turtle named Avalos Owen Brown. I have my bio mom back in my life and it’s going great.

I am applying to graduate school. Western New Mexico State University, University of Denver, University of New Hampshire the University of North Dakota. I’d love to earn an MSW and Nonprofit Administration concentration. The next and final degree will be a Ph.D. in Positive or Humanistic Psychology.

I’m out and proud Transman FtM and still Christian! I love my life. I’m loving my transformation mentally and physically. I’m in love with me! I’m in love with life! I’m sad school is over, however, I am learning how to manage time without school for the first time in 9 years. I start my second part of physically transitioning this year (top surgery, look it up).

Life and my goals seem to be coming together. I’ve lost many people and gained so much more. This is really it. My absence has been to focus on treatment, finishing school, organizing my thoughts and battling multiple holiday blues. Now things are settled.

I’m back! Kwanzaa is approaching, my new year! Although I’ve been through a lot in 3 years, It was the greatest journey of my life. The stories I’ve listened to, the prayers with strangers, seeing people at their lowest and become better individuals and the spiritual and religious growth outstanding.

I’m an official Sailfish! Always will be! Graduation was in May! We had a virtual one thanks to Covid-19 I’m still pumped!

I missed you all and missed reading your blogs!

I’m Back!

I’m officially changing my name to:

Domenia Xih Zih

No comments on Who I am! Where I’ve been!

Kujichagulia; where is it?

Umoja is coming!

The heart that matters

Who I am! Where I’ve been!