My heart was becoming numb and joy was scarce. I didn’t want to acknowledge my own bitterness, but it was there. I couldn’t feel hope, I didn’t think the sun would ever shine again. Alone I felt, in a darkened world.

Alone I traveled in the woods of life. Alone I slept and with tears, I cried “ABA, why have you forsaken me?” I cried again, “ABA, why have you welcomed this pain and a well of emptiness?”

Angry was I with the young, for having what I dreamed of. Angry I was with the old, for their eye were closed. I was angry! I was scared, and questioned, “will it always be this way?”

“Will I ever feel the joy and warmth of the sun, or will the cold break me, and leave me with brittle bones.”

Silent God was still. Hopeful I became.

Let us go to church! Let us celebrate Jesus, the true reason for the season. In my mind I was thinking critically, trying to disrobe this facade pagan holiday, to tear it from the Christians, and all because I was bitter.

I walked to church, and then my heart opened, and I prayed “ABA, meet me there, at the place of your dwelling, your sacred temple, where your word is spoken, deliver me of God, grant me your mercy and grace. Let me feel. Let me heal. I’ll go, just meet me there!”

A sermon was spoken, and it was as if God spoke to me directly. As though everyone had left because the word was for me.

“I love you,” the pastor said.

“I died for you,” the pastor said.

“I knew you before your birth,” the pastor said

“I’ve been waiting for you,” the pastor said.

“Meet me, for I am here,” the pastor said

“I went away to prepare a place, where your tears will stop flowing, your heart will breath fresh air, you will sing without condemnation and praise with cease,” God said to me

“I’ve never left, I’ve always cared, you’re my child and I’ll always be there. I’ve seen your tears, I have seen your pain, I was next to you in the kitchen when you cried out to me in a song. I was in your room when you told me that you couldn’t hold on. I was there when you listened to every sermon, hoping to see me in them. I was there my child. I was there, baby girl.

I just needed you to me meet me half way there. I can take away all the pain.

I can give you rest.

I can give you are a reason to smile.

I can grant you peace.

But if you’re not ready to receive me, receive my gifts and internally accept me, then you will be in this spot again.

But You’ve come to me, and this sermon is for you.

You are not alone, I’m am here.

I have not forsaken you, I live inside of you.

I’m the piece to your broken heart, the answer to your prayers.

You’ve met me and I AM HERE! he spoke to my heart.

So, I lifted my hands, and tears were flowing, I didn’t care who saw me, I lifted my hands, I felt his love, I saw visions of his love, I saw the family he gave me, and the opportunities set before me.

I worshiped with the angels. My heart was opened, and I could feel again.

I cried and sang proudly and boldly. Left in peace, and was given a blessing.

I may have not received a physical gift, but a healed heart was my wish. Bitterness has left. I was blessed.

Merry Christmas.