• This will not break you.

    12 Jan 2017
    Truth & Foster Care

    Tears flow and your will thoughts run

    I feel like I’m ready to explode

    I’m crying tears of uncertainty

    Tears of repentance

    Tears of acceptance

    Acceptance that my eyes will water, and sometimes for days

    But I hear God say. “my beloved that’s okay”

    I cry yearning for a friend to cry with me

    I cry with questions wondering, when will this fight be over

    I cry joy because I know in the midst of my darkness, I’ve already overcome

    I created a river with my tears, and I’m floating down to a new beginning

    I can see a light, piercing the clouds, making silent noises through a purple and orange sunset

    I know the night is coming, soon I’ll be able to rest and awaken to DAY

    A new day filled with different tears for different reasons

    A new day to fight, express, and expand on my gifts, my calling and to continue to develop: my purpose

    I cry, yes I cry

    But God says to me, in the quiet of the night

    Your life will not be lived in vain

    Your struggle will not be forgotten

    Often those who carry the greatest calling will spend the most time a.l.o.n.e

    Rest in my bosom, take a deep breath

    You see it, you feel it, just keep fighting it, you’re almost there.

    Lives will be touched, there is a revival in your story

    The blind will see their self-worth and purpose

    The deaf will hear, their name called with authority

    The lame, will get up and walk, and begin their journey

    The hungry will be feed with truth

    The lonely ones, (like yourself) will walk with me by their side

    Fresh oil will flow, flowers will grow in winter

    You bring new life, new energy, just keep me your (God) at your center

    In all things keep God at your center

    Your prayers may not sound perfect

    You won’t comprehend every scripture

    But that’s okay, for I see your heart, I notice your intent

    I’m with you, I live inside of you

    I’m your Father, Friend

    Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you

    Not a day goes by when I don’t want to take away every ache and pain

    But, if I did, you would not have learned, and you’d have no authority and no passion

    I’m with you, my beloved, you’re my child

    Abba is for you

    Abba is with you

    Abba will guide you

    This will not break you.

     

     

     

     

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  • My mind will not win

    10 Jan 2017
    Truth & Foster Care

    Though I walk through the shadows of darkness

    Meet with the feelings of fear

    Ideologies of defeat

    Curiosity for uncertainty

    and face personal persecution

    This is my mind

    Battling depression

    Plagued by Anxiety

    My mind will not win

    I will not be defeated

    I will not sub cum to destruction

    Instead, I will fight

    Every day until the last breath I take, I will fight

    And with God on my side

    I will win!

     

     

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  • Nguzu Saba: Imani: To follow Jesus means..

    8 Jan 2017
    Truth & Foster Care
    • Imani (Faith): To believe with all our hearts in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

     

    It’s Jan. 8. Kwanzaa has ended, and I’ve realized that it has taken me 8 days to write my last blog entry for Kwanzaa.

    Jesus: Take up your cross and follow me

    Me: What does that truly mean?

    Jesus: That means you will cry with others, laugh with others, mourn with others.

    That means you will feed others before yourself, clothe others before yourself.

    Pray for others before yourself. That means you will follow the blameless life I led.

    Stone no one, judge no one, hate no one

    But, Love Everyone

    Take care of my bride, your Earth

    Heal the sick

    Heal the soul, preach with confidence, and assurance

    Believe in me, and be baptized in AGAPE love!

    Pay your taxes

    Take all the lessons you’ve learned this year to bring forth NEW actions

    I’ve given you a brand new day, with New possible opportunities

    Never let them pass

    Never let a moment escape

    You’re my child, and whom I am proud of

    Happy New Year

    Me: Ok! I’ll follow you.

     

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  • What’s my purpose? Nguzu Saba: “Nia”

    30 Dec 2016
    Truth & Foster Care
    • Nia (Purpose): To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

     

    Dear Continuum Care of Connecticut,

    You guys have changed my life. I’m still a pain in the ass, but you’ve changed my life. You welcomed me into your clinic as bipolar, schizophrenic, and gender fluid with open arms; telling me “Recovery is Possible.” Your staff hugged, listened to me cry, watch md fall to the floor, walked me through anxiety attacks, and much more. Thank-you. I think the best thing that could have ever happened this year, was for me to become homeless. I say that with tears because it was the hardest thing. Being hungry isn’t fun, feeling dirty hurts one’s self-esteem, and then there is the shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing that accompanies one when they become homeless. Continuum is still there, will give you a bed for the night and food to eat, and a new family, if you’re willing to accept it.

    I have a different story because I don’t have substance abuse problems nor am I an alcoholic. However, I have a mental illness and I needed support. I thought I was going to be judge, and that Continuum was like every other program I’ve ever been in. But I was wrong.

    Like an angel, you sent me John L. He has a warm heart, kind spirit and has a strong testimony. He reminds me of a lion and protects those that he is sworn to. He is honest and noble, generous, comforting and a bold and noble leader.

    Then there is Jill G. I call her a thug, a swear she used to run the cartels. Now I laugh because it’s silly. I say she is a thug because she is blunt and honest, right in your face with the truth and will not let anyone run from their lives and their responsibility. She is still teaching me to be responsible for honesty and to work with integrity. I come to her even when I know what she is going to say because she is like a bald eagle. You don’t see many of them, and when you do your star struck and attentive because you know that this moment is rare. So I listen!

    Sue Brown, thank-you for forgetting my diet coke. Lol. For smiling with me, for secretly crying with me. For believing in me. And for not letting me go, even when I tried to push you away. God Bless you!

    Monica and Maria, my mama’s! They mothered me and protected me, but trusted me to make the right choices. When I felt like my urges to self-harm was too strong they went outside their way to listen to me, and get to know me. The two of them are books of walking wisdom. They taught me more coping skills than those that I ever learned from in therapy. It’s always a good day when they work. All the clients love them, and they bring light to a dull day. Thank you for sharing them with me.

    Renee C. thank-you for being the bold and courageous diva and to listen to my story during intake, helping me make appointments, and really look into my eyes and see me as a person before you read my file. Lisa, thank you for your kind energy, wonderful spirit, and an open mind. You never let me down, and always helped me look at a negative situation in a positive manner. Lauren, thanks for talking to me about anything that was on my mind. Thanks for encouraging me to be a “geek,” an honest one. Thanks for seeing me through each panic attack, and knowing when I needed to go to the hospital or not. It’s a tough decision to make, but I trust you.

    To the rest of Crisis and Respite and ELP 1, thank you for fighting for me to continue to have a home. I know the fight isn’t over, but I couldn’t wait any longer to express my gratitude. You guys rock! You change lives! You’re angels and sunlight when people are at their lowest. You deserve the most pay ever, and if I had it I’d give it.

    To Barbara, thank you for coming to my grandmothers funeral. We’ve never talked about that day, but you held my hand and was only a step away. I’ve never had a family like this.

    Jill always says a family is what you make it, and sometimes you have to go outside yourself and make your own family. Continuum Care of CT you’re my new family.

    I’m proud to say I’ve been sober from self-harm for two months today. It’s all apart of my purpose. My heart before I meet you guys was pompous, arrogant and boastful. I walked passed a lot of homeless people who ended up being my roommates. Being homeless allowed to hear the hearts of others, to know why they started to use drugs or quit their meds. To pray with them before they’re discharged and to be able to say hi to them on the streets when we separated. I’ve cried with others, mourned with others, and laugh with others. I think just by sharing these mutual emotions that I made God proud. This journey of mine with mental health and homelessness was my purpose and confirmed my decision that in three semesters I’ll graduate with my BA in Psychology and Ministry. Then I’ll pursue an MSW, so I can do what you do, give back and help save lives. Then one day, I’ll pursue my Ph.D. in Positive Psychology.

    You see it’s apart of my purpose for me to feel stronger, healthy pride, love, have the integrity to be bold, open-minded, sense of curiosity and much more. My purpose and future are possible because of Continuum, Jill, John Crisis, ELP 1..you guys gave me hope when many times I wanted to just kill myself and hope my pain would end. Now I see a story and destiny in my pain.

    This is my Nia!

    This is Dedicated to Continuum Care of Connecticut.

     

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