My Journey, My Style

Like Dust, I Rise

16 Sep 2015

Truth & Foster Care

Last night I had written my final wishes, and will; saying my good-bye, having my last words be “I’ve tried.” I always talked about killing myself, and I’ve had attempts. After being assaulted, and getting hit by a car, I felt so alone. My aunt and Dad said that sometimes we have to go through things physically alone but God is always there. Last night, I called my aunt to pray with me, the final prayer I would ever hear, because tonight 9/16/2015 I was going to kill myself, and not reach out to anyone. I didn’t want it to be seen as a cry for attention, and I didn’t want to burden anyone else. I was also told that if you are really going to kill yourself, you don’t talk about it; you just do it. That was my plan.

On crutches I’ve been going to work, and by God’s grace getting home. I heard that there was church, and my pastor was going to be there. I knew in my heart, that I needed to go. I knew in my heart that if I never have another friend, if I limp and take the bus for the rest of my life that God would still be there. I knew it, but I needed to hear it. I needed to see familiar faces of from the one who poured into my heart and my soul. I also knew I needed to hear from God.

I had forgotten at how much I’ve survived, and the wonderful people whom have blessed my life. I had forgotten about those who answered their phone nightly and prayed with me. I forgot about how much support I really have. I forgot how strong I really am. I forgot about God, and his importance in my life. I wanted to give up, allowing life, to take me out. A woman I look up to: Min. Barnes said “I’m a warrior” and then she said “even warriors need rest.” I realized, my rest is in a God that you cannot see, sometimes can’t hear, or, understand. But I had to take rest in remembering what in knowing my life will get better; I will succeed, and my dreams, goals, to reach out to youth in foster care will happen

I will not take my own life. That’s not how my story is going to end. I make that choice. Yes, I’ll get depressed. Yes, I’ll get manic. Yes, I might have hallucinations. I will have struggles, and face hard times. Everyone will, more than once; but as Maya Angelou said, “Like Dust, I RISE.” I have no idea what tomorrow will look like. I have no idea where I’ll be next month, but I know I’ll be alive! Because giving up is a choice, I fought to hard to make it to where I am. I’m not ready to say good-bye.

Today 9/16/2015 I choose life.

Pastor Paula White says “do not cure your crisis-use it; for it’s in times of the crisis that your courage, faith, and strength, lets you live an undefeated life.

I’d like to add: it’s time of crisis that you are being molded into the person God has mean’t for you to be. It’s building you, and not destroying you.

Choose life with me, and lets make it together.

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Returning Home

14 Sep 2015

Truth & Foster Care

Sometimes returning home is a good thing. Confronting pain, disagreements, hearing the words of those who never spoke, healing the heart, and finding out where in a relationship, what went wrong. It’s good to go home, to see a face and know that although you may live far away, maybe were not as close, and maybe at that time your season and their season was changing. Returning home is a good thing, or else wounds will never heal, and emotions will forever take control. Then you are allowing your past to effect your future, and determine your outcome. Returning home should bring healing. Returning also offers reflection as to see where you have grown, and to be grateful of the path that you’ve taken. I returned to my church today, after being hit by a car, I couldn’t stay in the house any longer! However just by, touching my pastor hand, hearing her voice, and having her say “it’ll be OK.” Made me feel welcome, and I’m glad for another Sunday to be home.

My pastor is 94 years old. I’m not sure how much time she has left on this earth. What I do know is, I will cherish every moment we have together; I will not take her and the life she has lived for granted. She’s not frail at 94, although she can’t drive, she can walk without a cane, she can preach, and even give god a dance. I pray that I live to be 94. What sad is that, I almost forgot all of this, because I didn’t return home. I didn’t remember the good memories, and the time people have poured into my life and spoken over my life. Yeah wounds still need to be healed, yes there are still disagreements but nothing should stop you from coming home, esp. from your spiritual (church) home.

The church is supposed to be a place where we are restored, no “judgment”, no condemnation, place of encouragement, love, acceptance, and understanding. There’s nothing like going to a dance, speaking in heavenly tongues, and a hollering black gospel baptist church. It’s always feels right and at home. I’m home, and, I’m going to enjoy every minute of it I can.

St. Mary’s Baptist church will always be my home!

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Place of Impact: Aging out of foster care!

11 Sep 2015

Truth & Foster Care

Yesterday, I was riding my bike in the rain from work, and was hit by a car. I’m safe, but injured. My bike is ok! I called my foster mom, my grandma, aunt and I was yelled at. Last week I was drugged and sexually violated and I called a trusted aunt and God-Mother and no one returned my phone call.

My God-Mother’s daughter reminded me that, I’m not her “real daughter”. It brought my mine back to the day my foster mom’s bio. daughter told me “she didn’t ask for me”, and her son told me “I’m replaceable.” Then my mind brought me back to being abandon from childhood, and no one advocating for me. My cousin told me I was tiring, and that she won’t help me. I swore at her, we almost had a fist fight.

One aunt, my favorite aunt told me, it’s “ok.” She will always answer her phone, but I’ve heard that before, and then I know I’ve burned bridges too. She told me that I have to control my emotions, and I wanted to yell “I’m bipolar” and then I realized that just because I have a mental illness, I’m on medication and I have a certain amount of control over my actions; even if not my emotions.

When the doctors were examining me, I was crying, not because I was in pain. No. But, because no one was there with me and I was going through this alone. I cried because I faced my reality. I’m no longer in foster care, there are no more social workers and I’m a grown woman. Whether I feel alone, abandon and/or my emotions/mental health is out of control, I have to be my own advocate and stand up for myself. I have to use my voice, and have faith in a higher power. I have to pray daily that my heart is renewed, my mind is healed, and that I have the power to live a God driven and purposeful life. At this point, it’s my choice.

So this is my message:

To those aging out of foster care, we have to accept that we’ve had it rough. We have to admit that we cry at night, are angry, confused and are trying to make it, in a complicated world. Sometimes when we go to the hospital, no one will come. We will have to walk home from work because no one will answer their phone. We will have to go to the doctors and hear hard words.But we’re not alone. There is a God that cares, and we have to remember the words of support, those good social workers and those who cared for us even if we don’t we never see them again. We have to believe in ourselves, get our education, get a job, and create our own families. We have to be open to new friendships, and new opportunities. We’ve made it this far, beat the system. Let us not give up. We will make it!

You are loved! I’m praying. I’m your advocate.

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Seasons are changing!

9 Sep 2015

Truth & Foster Care

In every great leader at one point had to walk alone, and if they’re lucky they’ve realized that, they were never alone to begin with. Not everyone in your life is mean’t to be there through every trial.

We have to accept that relationships are seasonal. What do I mean by seasonal? What I mean is that we are forever evolving and hopefully growing and fulfilling our purpose on this earth. I still didn’t answer my own question. What do I mean as seasonal? When you were a child you needed your parents to teach you, wash you, and clothe you. Eventually you grew, and didn’t need them in that way. They can still be a part of your life, but in a different way.

Sometimes you meet a person on the street that was only meant to say something encouraging you, or to tell you their story; and we didn’t know it, but it was design by a higher power that you heard such words. You could be having a bad day, but a random compliment could’ve changed your day. Hearing their story could have opened up your eyes and helped you discover something about yourself. You may not see that person every again, but in the season (time in your life) whatever you got from them, you needed it to help you move on and to reach your destination.

Not everyone in your life is meant to be there for everything, no matter how much you want them to be. Your season (time) with everyone is different and sometimes people will return but not always.

Sometimes we have to know when to allow God to take control, bless us, direct us and know, that whom he has placed in our lives for that season we need them, and to appreciate them and learn all that we can. You don’t need you pre-school teacher to teach you to color in the lines when you’re in high school. But that doesn’t mean they can’t at one point become a mentor. Seasons change just as nature.

We just have to know when to let go. So it brings me to my first part, the greatest leaders at one point had to experience what Paul did in the bible, to enter a point in life, where all they can do is rely on a God. A God we cannot see, not always hear, but we have to have faith in our hearts to know he is there; our job is to remain focus, and know just like people circumstances and trials are only their for a season.

Endure your season, make change, inspire a life and be your own change.

-Domenia

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Like Dust, I Rise

Returning Home

Place of Impact: Aging out of foster care!

Seasons are changing!