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I was just hospitalized for an illness that’s invisible, and can only be felt. This illness has cost me hours for work, so I have to go two weeks, with very little food and continue to struggle. It’s sucks but this is the hand I’ve been dealt. For some it’s Cancer, and for me, it’s Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I pray for stability. I pray for change. I pray for acceptance. I pray for achievement and personal growth. My illness makes me unreliable for work, for I never know when I have to call out. As my supervisor said, “it’s a business” and immediately I felt small and replaceable.
Everyday, I’m learning how to conquer this “disease.” Not just to make my life better, so I can be more effective at work, school and with my family. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. I remember reading something on Facebook, that took the word “impossible” and saw the words “I’m-Possible.”
I’m possible! I believe in a God who gives me strength and has allowed me to know that I am not alone, and the he understands my struggle. I stick true to the statement, “we are spiritual beings having an humanistic experience.” I am a spirit and experiencing HUMANITY. We’re all given a plate of food we don’t always like. We’re are given a journey and we ask ourselves “how did I get here?” “What did I do to deserve this?” Yet we continue everyday,and I just remember it’s not personal it’s just “business.” Someone has to run it, and work for it. You can allow it to make you or break you.
I’ll allow it to make me. I refuse to be defeated and give up the fight. I refuse to be a nobody, and live with excuses. It’s not apart of my DNA. I know there is God looking out for me, and that “this too shall pass”
-Manic Depression
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“Hi welcome to Starbucks, my name is Mia. What can I get started for you.”
Starbucks logo, I didn’t create this logo nor own any rights to it. I am just a barista for Starbucks Coffee Company. At least three days a week I open the doors to Starbucks, taking a deep breathe and greet customers with that one main point. I’m very vocal about my mental health, diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder NOS, and Borderline Personality Disorder with Psychosis. I’m also vocal about how without my medication I can’t achieve stability, nor serve you the customer your perfect cup of coffee. As of now I’ve worked at three Starbucks, and each location has been an experience to remember.
My original store was hard, I cried before attending to my shift, I felt incompetent when trying to make drinks, my self-esteem decreased; I felt like a burden. I worked with fellow Barristers whom harbored dislike for me, and judge me. I felt as though getting hired at my dream job (for now) was a mistake but I needed a pay check, so I went to work and hated every minute of it. It became triggering for me, and psychologically unhealthy. My manager was often dissatisfied with me, and blamed it on my illness. I was often hospitalized because I was triggered while working at this location. This was my image of the company and I wanted to quit.
So I transfered stores. Nervous that I would have the same outcome, and worried that I was the source of my previous managers dislike and anger, however; I need a check and I was willing to give it a try. So I meet with our District Manager, and the manager of my new store,Jenn. Jenn was quite and reserved and willing to help me start anew.
Jenn is quite, with a strong personality, she takes honor in her job, and treats her employees as a human beings. She has not judged me for my illness, and has allowed me to grow in my skills and confidence. Bar is the area where the drinks are made, and I’ve always experienced trepidation when attempting to work on bar. She said I was slow, but I knew my stuff and would get better. What makes her a great manger is that: 1. she gives great encouraging feed back to fellow partners, 2. has faith in her partners and leadership abilities 3. has confident in her judgment. 4. respectful and even tempered. 5. funny, and plays really good 90’s music. 6. not judgmental, and understanding that every learns differently 7. promises that each Barrista will become better and stronger. 8. promotes unity and cooperation 9. eats really healthy 10. knows how to mange and address the needs of customers and her employees.
Who wouldn’t want to work for/with a manager like mine? She gave me a second chance when my name was tainted and I promised not to let her down. I enjoy work, I go on my days off. I’m getting better at bar, and customer service. I’ve grown and have increased my faith. My current location is not as bad as my previous store. My store now and manager reflects the true identity of Starbucks and its partners. My store rocks! I love it.
Jenn, I hope you read this and know it comes from my heart. I look forward to continue creating drinks and serving customers.
“Hi, I’m Domenia welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you?
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My diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder
I dream about becoming the Commissioner of Department of Children and Families of Connecticut (foster care system), graduate from Yale Law School, and just maybe run for state Senator. I go to sleep dreaming about success, and having a better life for myself and future family.
I used to catch on really quick, verbally eloquent, fast with an amazing memory. Since I started to develop this disease and had to be placed on medication; it’s not as easy as it use to be. To this day I’m not sure if I was ever as good as I thought I was and it not being a result of mania and delusions. Bipolar Disorder is more than mood swings, our brain are wired differently. We process emotions at intense and prolonged levels. Our brains can suffer and many of times the ending results are permanent cognitive deficits. Some people assume that it’s the result of medication. 50% of that can be true. But naturally one living with such a disorder brain struggles, frankly.
I just read an article about cognitive deficits and Bipolar Disorder, I cried. I thought I was going crazy and I thought I was alone battling this illness. I also thought that this illness was just about mood swings. I never thought about what it was doing to my brain, and what medications would be doing to my brain. It felt like a now-win situation. At this point in life, I am not stable on my own enough to live without medication. My thoughts get scattered, racing thoughts, suicidal idealizations, depression, mania, anxiety, paranoia and hallucinations. Hell, I’m just starting to accept myself, and learning my strengths and weakness. I cried because I didn’t see hope. I cried because I have a dream, and I don’t want to die without seeing my dream become my reality. My biological mom ignores her illness, and has allowed it to destroy and take over her life, living in denial and not using her true potential. I refuse to go out like that!
So today, I make a choice from 6/25/2015 to be healthy, and to not give up on myself and my dreams. I know I can do it! I can’t be a Barista forever. I’m willing to work hard, and stay on medication, stay in therapy and to create a stable life for myself and future family.
I know I’ll be judge for writing about my personal life on-line, but there needs to be more awareness about mental health and the struggle. So much stigma surrounds it. I may have a mental illness but it’s only a part of me. I guess I’m just going to have to study a lot harder, commit to a schedule, and keep reading. This blog post was meant to inspire, create hope and to create awareness.
So the next time you feel like using any mental disorder out of context educate yourselves and become aware of the true struggle; then pray you never have to deal with it or a loved one, and if you do pray that you’ll be equipped!
My Journey, My Style 