Our people, my people, are being killed, deported, and children are being stolen from their parents
Our leadership is divisive, blind with greed, and ignorant of the nation and the people it serves. Our leader thinks he is a king
America is crying out from the ancestors that they lynched, mobbed, murdered, and raped
There is this genetic predisposition placed in the DNA of my people that we are “dirty, garbage, uneducated, and poor.”
However, my brothers, sisters, and others kissed by the lips of the sun, we have a reason to celebrate.
As the songwriter says: “We have come this far by faith, leaning on the Lord, trusting in His hold name, and He has never failed us yet.”
As scripture says it: “Oh taste and see that the Lord is good and his mercies endureth forever.”
Our nation may be in turmoil, but the negro people are not.
We have seen this side of history, fought for our rights, and crossed the Jordan.
We are the answer to a slave’s prayers
We are united and undivided
For we know the truth as long as the sun rises our mealain shall never be erased from this earth. For if it is, that means there is no new day, no new dawn, no moon to light the night
Kwanzaa is our holiday that is often ignored, but while there is life in my body, I will not forget those carried on ships as cargo sold from West Africa.
I will not forget the times as slaves being sold like property, being discarded like trash, babies ripped away from mothers, and made to work on land without pay. Bitten by snakes in the Everglades, getting married in secret, jumping over a broom to signify the unification of two souls.
I will not forget what binds our souls, history, and stories together.
I will not live in denial of the progression, regression, and possession taken and yet to be taken
We haven’t made it to the mountain tops, and it will take generations after us to get there
But we will, and we will let freedom ring
We may be down, but we are freer than we were and are only captive and held back by those who like to step on our necks, drag us from cars, shoot first, ask later, and by our own imagination.
We will sing what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr envisioned and say these words with power, authority, and triumph:
Free at last
Free at last
Thank God Almighty, WE are free at last.
Happy Kwanzaa, let’s stay together forever. Umoja means Unity, and we are more together as a people than we are as a part of a nation.
I have been angry with you long enough. I accept now that you did not have the capacity to love me. I accept your disposition. I acknowledge that you did your best. I assume you’re giving up. I forgive you! I forgive you! I pray you are blessed, happy, whole, and complete. You will always be my mother, and I your son. This is the end of all strife between us. I am of you, but not you. I am my own being and an adult. To let you harm me would be a choice and permission I have given. – Zih
Dear Brother,
The anger I hold towards you is profound. The resentment I hold towards you is profound. The love I have for you runs deeper. You will never know how much I love you because you never gave me a chance to love you. I accept you for who you are, I love your creativity, and I will love whoever you love. I wish you nothing but the best. I want my twin older brother to be happy, prosperous, and living a life worth living. Please, big brother, never settle for less, and keep the good fight of faith. You are worthy. You are handsome. You are smart. You are the beloved of Christ himself. Today, I release you. You no longer hold negative energy over my life. No more will I allow our awful past to haunt me. I will not speak negatively about your name and will continually ask God for forgiveness if bitterness arises within me. I forgive you. I forgive you. -Zih
Dear Charles,
From the time you were 4 years old, sick, and vomited red Kool-Aid on me, I loved you. I raised you like the little brother you were always to me. Oh, how I hope to hug you one more time and take a glimpse at the young man you have become. To me, you are perfect. One of a kind. A prince and leader. You are smart, and I will always cry good tears when I think of you. You helped parts of me heal, and your allowance of me to love you and help take care of you kept me. Thank you for being you. Please, young King, don’t settle for anything but greatness. You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength. You are capable. You are worthy of love. It’s not a goodbye, but until we meet again, stay close to the cross and keep carrying on! Love you forever and ever. Hunnybun
Dear Dickey Family,
How I wish you could have gotten to know the true me. How I wish you could have truly loved me. I wish you wouldn’t hurt and try to destroy my character, person, and spirit. How I wish I could sing and dance like you. But I can’t. God gave me a brain, and I’m going to use it for greatness. I love every aunt, uncle, and cousin. I thank God for the good memories we shared with Grandma. I value all of your strength and perseverance. Now we have grown into a nation, so close but so far. I pray that everyone who is hurting heals and lives an abundant life. I have to let you go. I have to put my foot down finally. While you are living your life, I am suffering from PTSD. But today is a new day, and I say what Jacob said to Esau: May the Lord watch between me and thee while we’re absent one from another. Love you. -Mimi
Dear Dad,
I always yearned to be your kid. I loved the two years we spent together. You are hardworking, honest, and have a great sense of humor. Spiritually wise with a significant amount of discernment. I think about what could have been. Then I accept reality. I love you and wish you all the best in life. – Your Kid!
Dear Gramma,
I miss you. I wish I could hug you one more time. You were my best friend, and I am sorry I could not have saved you. I thank you for being honest in your dying days. When you admitted fear, but you were glad you only had to die once. You were my rock. You were my true Mama, so with the host of angels and you singing in the heavenly choir, cooking and baking soul food for Jesus. Watch over me. No matter what has happened between us, the love we shared outweighs it all. Rest in Peace- Domenia
Dear Griffins/Leitermans,
You did the most harm to me that has ever been done. I have been raped, sodomized, neglected, and beaten with belts until I bled. The damage you did makes all the above-mentioned look like a piece of ice cream. You didn’t have to take me. I was compared to a dog. I was never your child. You did not deserve the names ‘Mom,’ ‘Dude,’ ‘Sister,’ or ‘Brother’ to come from my mouth. I am livid with you because I suffered while you stayed warm. I want to hate you, but that is not who I am. I want nothing to do with you ever again. Never try to contact me. Don’t even come to my funeral. I am saying goodbye and erasing you from my mind. I am saying may my Lord and Savior judge you accordingly. However, know I forgive you. What you meant for evil, God turned it around for my good. You can’t hurt me anymore. I am free from you. I stand on my own two feet as a black man. I pray you all have happy lives. Good-Bye -Mia
St. Mary’s
I pray you grow your minds. I pray you become open and affirming. Teaching the bible from an intellectual standpoint and academically, not just the history passed down orally from enslavers. You put me on a pedal stool, and when I am homeless, hungry, and coming into my trans and pansexual identity, you abandon me. I can’t comprehend how and why you are so dysfunctional, yet still going. This church has hurt so many people. I pray for your leaders and their souls. Love God. Live for God. Worship God in Spirit and in Truth. I forgive you and know I’m not looking back. I forgive you, and you know who you are. I am a transgender man. I am queer. I am pansexual/gay. I am a Christian – Xih-Zih
To my many rapists and abusers,
You have tainted my soul enough. The pain you inflicted will teach me no more. You are evil. You are demonic. You need to find Jesus. What’s crazy is that I’m more hurt by everyone I addressed above than you. However, I live with the physical scars from you. It has affected how I see myself, how I eat, and has dictated my life to the point where I am afraid of what I am. A black man. I do forgive you. I don’t wish you well. Kind of, I do. But I 100% forgive you. – Twin 2
To Jen (with one “n”),
You hurt me by calling me a gold digger, basically. You’ve done so much for me. I’ll never forget. You created memories with me that I will cherish forever. You loved me, but it was conditional. I am not sure what happened post-med school, but you thought you were always right and were often wrong. You married, and I became your burden. Getting you out of my life was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I’m grown. I am a Christian. I have new friends and mentors. You were just a stepping stone or stumbling block; however, I was pushed into my purpose. Most importantly, I forgive you. I will hold no grudge against you. Have a great life and be as successful as you can. I’ll always care about you. – Domenia
I had to write a blog. Not for likes or more subscribers, but so I can heal and move on. For once in my life, I have not had a suicidal thought in a week and 3 days. I am not whole. I am still broken; however, I am overcoming the hurdles to wholeness. I believe in forgiveness strongly. I forgive, and sometimes it takes reason, logic, reading my Bible, and prayer. But I always forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are letting the perpetrator win. Forgiveness is like stress when held on, you gain weight, overeat, develop mental illnesses, and physical ones. Forgiveness is healing. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. But don’t let that thought hinder and bind you. Allow it to help you create barriers, boundaries, and a safe space for yourself. Thank you for reading!
Does one calendar day difference really change the perspectives, behavioral patterns, and problems, or is this just a story we tell ourselves?
I wanted to die because life was becoming poison, and hard to live alone.
Then, I realized that I was a miracle in progress. And it’s too late to stop this miracle, and nothing is impossible.
Suicide is a permanent decision, often a temporary situation.
But what do you (I) do when the pain doesn’t go away? I’m still hurting, and I’m crying out for release, acting out to escape overcompensating in school, etc., in order to feel inferior or superior.
I’m 33, and this isn’t the time for me to fear, to back down and give in. for as the writer sings, “It’s too late to lose; you (Jesus) already made a way. The Cross still stands, (sacrifice) of Christ’s still speaks, and the grave of Christ is still empty.”
This just means if you a believer Jesus died a brutal death for the sins of all men, woman and non-binary people so that we would not have to live a life of condemnation being weighted down with guilt, pain and regret. Not only this gift, but now we have direct access to GOD, the triune God, through Jesus. Jesus was killed on a bad Friday, stayed in the grave for two days, and on the first Sunday morning, he rose. Taking power back from the evilness in this world proves that if he achieved this and if we come in his name, there is nothing we cannot do.
Knowing the history of the Trinity, I still face thoughts of suicide. Thinking to myself no one will miss me; it’ll be another day, and I just disappear. then I think of my ancestors being captured from Africa to work as slaves and taught a perverted gospel of Jesus to keep us condemned. How my great grandma is one generation away from slavery. With my academic achievements, I remember my late grandma always saying, “Baby, you’re the answer to a slave’s prayer, the reason why blood was shed, we worked in the heat, suffered violence, then one day we were free. So take the baton of freedom and make a difference that we could and sing the old negro hymns. Never let them escape your lips. And always know you’re grandma’s bay.”
Maybe I don’t want to die, but just for the pain to end, the distress to end, the loneliness to end, my transition to being complete, and for one night not to cry myself to sleep. I think what makes suicide so appealing is that it’s something I have infinite control over. However, where does my soul go from there?!?!
In reality, I want to take my last breath at 96. I want to be a girl dad, philanthropist, pastor, theologian, scholar, first black queer trans senator from Connecticut, maybe Governor, and more. I dream of opening a school for foster care youth that gives them their life back, keeps them connected with their siblings, and gives them the opportunity not to be a statistic. I want to be a professor at community colleges not for the money but to show the students who believed they couldn’t make it that there is so much more to life and you (they) can do this.
I dream of hearing the words “dada. papa”
as my therapist says, none of this can happen if I’m dead. So I’m just holding onto the cross, worshipping at the feet of Christ, praying for strength, humility, serenity, and happiness.
My Journey, My Style 