My Journey, My Style

Being Raped, as a Transman!

18 Jun 2023

Truth & Foster Care

I had been molested as a child for many years. As a child, I was abused, molested, and almost killed. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically neglected. I never saw the future. I always prayed to get through the day until I had a “divine intervention.”

Last night I was raped and discarded by a neighbor. I called Planned Parenthood and was rejected. I called my queer clinic and was seen the very next morning. I still haven’t showered all the way; it’s been almost 24 hrs. I called my pastors, aunts, my brothers, and sisters; but no one answered. I called on my trans brothers, and they texted me till morning. I called my mentor and woke her baby bear up, and she texted me till morning. I texted everyone I knew and told them what happened. In the morning, people thankfully reached out. I didn’t want sympathy. I just wanted prayer. Because I’ve been here before as a 5 year through age 8; all I knew was prayer.

I felt that by being touched and thrusted, bent over, then discarded by a man that I was less than a man because I had a vagina and a beard. Though I look like a man, a part of me someone had taken advantage of. A part of me could still become pregnant. A part of me was stolen a portion of me thouht I was to blame. I felt shame, disgust, loneliness, and grief. I felt invaluable because I had to get examined. Then the doctor said to me, “This h to cis men too. Body parts don’t make you less than a man it is your mind, body, soul, and heart that makes you who you are.”

I was given antibiotics PREP and PEP. I went home in pain, my pelvis still in pain, I can’t really walk physically. I wasn’t but I listened to the wisdom of an old man named Bishop T.D Jakes and a younger man named Pastor Keion Henderson, and another man named Pastor Steven Furtick. Felt peace as the word of God was being preached, I realized I had had a “divine intervention.”

I keep saying to everyone I must leave these impoverished areas, get off food stamps and social security. Because what was a help (besides SSDI) is a hindrance. Then Bishop T.D. Jakes said, “We are broken, blessed, then we are given.”Life breaks us (or attempts), and then there is a holy brokenness and then “divine intervention.” Then you are blessed and you are given. Given means you pour into the life of others, and when you pour into the life of other people, it then life is given back to you (me)!

People tell me to press charges, call and go to the ER. I’ve done that before and was called a liar. I went to an LGBTQIA+ clinic and was believed. It’s not my job to get even. Justice was given to me when Jesus died for me. Justice was given to me when I believe that angels heard my cry and let me escape with life. Many trans people who are raped are either then killed or killed themselves. “Divine Intervention.”

I always saw a lack in my life not seeing all God blessed me with, a job, a great boss whom I love with the Love of Christ, and her name’s Joy, a mentor when I was homeless, bought me clothes, food, a coat, and gave me money. I can’t fit the coat anymore but I’ll never give it away for it is a reminder of where I’ve come from. To this abuser, I forgive you. I choose not to report him because he is mentally ill and has a seizure disorder, and I don’t want him in jail where he will get no care nor on the streets homeless. Because I know what it’s like to be dirty, with no food, begging for a dollar to buy water from Dunkin Donuts, taking a bath in the ocean with soap from the dollar store, and sleeping in a park. Where people are having sex, shooting up, drugs carrying weapons, and knives! I couldn’t wish that on a soul. I do pray he specifically finds Jesus Chris the Risen One and his heart, and mind are healed. That’s what you call justice.

I live in the hood, but, I have my life. I live in the atmosphere of poverty but it is not who I am. I know these are training days, and I will be delivered. I will buy a home, get married, start my own company, be a TRANS MINISTER. I will get accepted to Yale Seminary and graduate top of my class. I will graduate from WNMU with an MSW and MBA. I’m not gonna give up because I’m hungry some nights, I’m not gonna give up because I go cold in the winter, I’m not gonna give up because a man raped another man. I’m not gonna give up because I’m bipolar, schizophrenic and transgender, and pansexual. If anything I’m going to fight harder and dedicate myself to studying the word of God, volunteer at my church, I’m going to pray and pray to the God I serve without fear, I’ll be able to walk and run again without pain, and will fight for my future. Though, I battle thoughts of shame, fear, and sadness.

There’s a scripture in the bible that says, “Weeping may endure for but JOY comes in the morning and My morning is coming I can feel and see the sun. There’s another scripture that says, “I will reap if I faint not.” Another scripture says, I will soar with wings like an eagle, walk and not be weary, run and not faint.” The Bible isn’t a book that says queer people, drug addicts, gamblers, etc., are going to hell. and there is no hope for them. Quite the contrary Jesus says, “I have hopes and dreams for your future.” Jesus says, “To believe in Him, He will give you life and life more abundantly. I was just raped and am still .bleeding, and I have hope and joy for my future. I’m sent here to tell all those who ar,e queer, lesbian, gay, transgender, asexual, nonbinary, agender, questioning, or bisexual that Jesus loves you, approves of you and you are his CHILD whom he is well pleased with. You can be a believer and a preacher, you will reach your goals, and before you die if you believe that he died, rose on the third day, repent (just mean to be, honest about where you are in life, not that you did something wrong) your life will be full of joy in the midst of every struggle. You will reach fulfillment and live in eternity in heaven. Live to see old age!

I feel the Holy Spirit on this post. I believe that my being stripped, naked raped without a condom ad then told to leave was meant to add to my testimony and not defeat me or make me bitter. But for me to have the courage to spread it with the world 24 hrs later and say, God is real. God didn’t do this to me, but, He (Jesus) will use my pain for glory days. I’m covered by angels. I feel my helper and he is always near. I am not abandoned. I will find love and make love. I will be a father, to 5 children from different nations. My business will reach nationally and internationally, and I will leave my children’s, children an inheritance, and make my ancestors in heaven proud/. I will die at 100. See my grandma, and say, “Mama, I made a difference and made God proud.”

I’m a writer, businessman, entrepreneur, preacher, and teacher. I’m a scholar and will touch and preach to LGBTQIA+ people the hope of God in Christ and see generations of foster care children’s lives change, build a school, for the learning disabled, and LGBTQ kids safe. I will start scholarships, help change institutional and poverty mindsets; to freedom mindsets, and make them believers in themselves. I just got a revelation Poverty isn’t only where I live but it is where my mind is at!

God just gave me “DIVINE INTERVENTION”.

Be Blessed

-Domenia Xih Zih

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Black Beauty <3

31 May 2023

Being African American, faith, Journal Style!, Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender! Oh,yeah!, My Story, Topic Thought.

Dear Readers,

there is beauty in being Black. I never saw this my whole life until I started attending Elm City Vineyard church. I was captive by this young baby only 2 wearing a white dress and a mini afro. She was free. It set me free into my own beauty. I wanted to tell her you are beautiful and now that I know her mom who is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen I’m seeing and loving my own black beauty.

When I was female, I was never told you are beautiful. I was told your too dark go wash your face. I remember telling my grandma who took a washcloth with bleach to scrub my face and I said “Grandma, grandma I’m just dark.” That’s how I ever saw myself as just “dark” until I met this baby playing with toys and my eyes cried because I saw Jesus through her and she was just being herself a child playing with other children and unaware of the power she holds because she is the reflection of the creator himself. I wish I was taught this.

At home in the mirror just pj’s and said, “You are handsome, beautiful, radiant, and chosen.” I wept. I felt this impression in my soul saying, “I hear you, I’ve always heard you, and I am near you.”

Sunday, I saw another young black girl who made a mistake, and her mother went over simply kissed her cheeks, nose, and forehead; and the child went playing. I felt Jesus giving me the kiss of a father and mother that I have never gotten. I felt my inner child finally begin to heal.

Then I noticed this strong voice singing in the worship team, giving God her all so beautiful, lovely, and pure. I felt drawn to her in a spiritual and when I learned her name and her daughter’s name. I realized the first little afro I saw was her Princess, and she was the baby girl’s Queen. I prayed that night before I knew her name Lord send me a Surrenity. To love and hold, to grow old with, to have children of different races, and raise a kingdom of many nations. I later found out that the mother’s name was Surrenity.

I didn’t make a mistake in spelling her name for that is how she spells it, and God placed an impression on my heart and questioned my rationale and intellect with when, will you Surrender so I can send you a king or queen to loved and behold, marvel at their beauty and raise a multi-ethnic family of many nations? My answer today simple and yet complex: Dear Lord God of the heavens my answer is “now, and yes.”

There’s a sermon bubbling within me. There are messages I have to preach for all young beauties Kings and Queens to listen then see. I have a word from God swelling in my heart, the Holy Spirit swelling and jumping in my soul. A message for the nation for the LGBTQIA+ nation not to condemn; however, to say who you love is not wrong, who you become to be is “beautiful” but that theres was once a man who died on a wooden cross for you to see yourself as beautiful and not mistake! To see yourself a noble person, a chosen person, and a whole person.

I, as a transgender man, was fragmented for so long and ‘n some ways still am. But I know my calling. I hear the Lord saying “this is the way; walk in it.” I hear the voice within myself saying “I see you, I hear you and I need you.” My simp[e and complex answer to this God that I have never seen but His Holy Spirit within I witness first to myself in saying “yes and amen!”

This all started with a beautiful young princess and her Queen her Momma! That God is saying to me “yes, you I choose you” I’m not the best writer and there are often grammar mistakes but I want my readers to know I write from my soul for it is my voice. I want readers to know You are Chosen and Will be made whole. For thy God is with you, and he’ll leave the 99 for you the 1!

-Domenia

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Elm City Vineyard! God’s place of residence!

24 May 2023

Truth & Foster Care

Elm City Vineyard is my church. The people who attend are my brothers and sister and non-binary siblings. I come from an abusive background, raped, molested, and beaten for 16 years. My aunts were always drinking, my cousins smoking weed, and I was reminded by the aunts and uncles that I was supposed to feel safe with that “my mother doesn’t love me, I deserved to be raped, that’s why I am in foster care.” I remember vividly being raped at 6 years old and sodomized with a gun to my head and looking at my mom and she walked away. My mom would beat me until I bled and then only then say it’s because I love you. My twin brother was a terror. If I didn’t do what he said, he would threaten to kill our own mother. He abused me, beat me, and would laugh and say, “That’s why mommy loves me more.” I’ll never forget the day my grandmother choked me, and before I blacked out my aunt said, “Ma, you are killing her.” I ended up in the hospital, at age 11. My cousins would beat me naked. My aunt one day when I was 14 called me a little girl, pushed me against the wall, and started to beat me up and I finally fought back. I reported to my DCF in emails all the abuse, and she would say that because I’m bipolar and heard voices, I wasn’t meant for a family, and when I did have a family, I messed up and was mentally ill. I was kicked out of my home at 24 when I was in a psych ward and told not to returnn. I slept on the streets, and on the beach where I showered in the ocean. I developed hypoglycemia because I couldn’t afford food. I moved to NC to experience trauma. I moved back to Connecticut and had nowhere to go. I was asked, “Can you go back to your grams?” I did and slept on the floor with a sheet. I ate only tuna fish because of my allergies. I worked but wasn’t stable enough to keep a job. It wasn’t until Continuum of Care took me under their wing, through Jesus I was protected and given a shelter home. I moved into independent living with staff but couldn’t afford it, and eventually, I moved into my own apartment, where I saw drugs, addicts, sex, overdoses, and death. I moved and am still seeing it. Then I asked God for a church home where I would feel safe at least one day a week, a job where I would be valued, not judged if I had to be hospitalized, and a compassionate boss. God granted me my request. I work for an amazing company, and I love my clients. I work hard and am learning that August 24, 2023, will make a year of stable employment. My boss has an open heart, is kind and respectful. I am a MSW student at Western New Mexico University and I am excelling. Elm City Vineyard is a diverse church of races, mixed families, and different orientations of people and I am accepted as a man. I see beautiful young African Queens and I tell their parents their daughters are beautiful, and their hair is perfect. I met a young woman with a daughter, and I told her to tell her every day that she is beautiful and today I called her a queen. Her mom told me how she picked out a fancy dress for daycare. Her mom is a singer and she doesn’t know, Elm City Vineyard doesn’t know that they are healing my inner child, and I feel God ever more present in my life. I celebrated May 20, 2023, with 6 years of no psychiatric hospitalizations and 6 years of not being homeless on May 21^st, 2023. Boy, the old Baptist saying I was glad when they said unto me let us go into the house of the Lord. It is my anthem of praise. I love my church and pastors. When I saw a young Black girl making a mistake during service, her mom went over to her and kissed her. I felt God hugging me and giving me the kisses, I’d never received. I bring my client to church and Elm City Vineyard is healing them too. I love this church because they are accepting but preach the true word of God in a tangible and relatable way. God no longer feels like a God in space but a friend that is near. God is who I am dependent on. I rely on him for resources. Food, and I want to honor him with my life. Elm City Vineyard challenges me to better myself and to be a better person to the world around me. I know instead of a Ph.D. I want to go to Seminary at Yale Seminary University. Pastor Josh and Patrick have a yearning for the people, I don’t know the other pastors by name, but there is this one woman who works with the kiddos, and I admire her and thank her in my heart. One day I’ll tell her. I am reaffirming my faith through baptism soon. I hope to be a full member of Elm City Vineyard. I already feel like I’m family. If God never blesses me again, a church home was the medicine I needed all along. Thank you, Elm City Vineyard, for the past two months. I love you and your community. I love you because you love God and put the people and community first. To the young kings and queens grow in the Lord you’ll never regret it. To the mother of this princess, thank you for pouring into my life and the recent conversations we have had. I plan to grow in friendship with you in Christ. Elm City Vineyard is a rare beauty and a glimpse of heaven. As Pastor Josh’s wife preached my first Sunday there titled: what’s the point? I finally found an answer within myself God is the point and shepherding his people. The End

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But, God!

22 Aug 2022

Truth & Foster Care

I wasn’t supposed to be alive. But, God

I had a plan to kill myself by the age of 25. But, God

I thought my mental illness, homelessness, and lack of family would be my end. But, God

I had given up hope and was dying. But, God

I was dirty, sick, and a lost sheep. But, God

I had ruined all relationships, went into debt, and squandered almost everything I had. But, God

I had turned to alcohol and smoking cig to mask my pain. But, God

But, God!

But, God never gave up on me when my parents did.

But, God never gave up on me when the church preached who I loved and was were an abomination.

But, God saw me through each suicide attempt

But, God got me through each emotional breakdown

But, God created my treatment team

But, God saw me through the death of my only grandmother

But, God is seeing me through the lack of my families existence

But, God is providing for me during this financial hardship

But, God united me with a mentor who would treat me like her son ever on our hard days, who is pure joy and goodness and a husband who has been a protector and comforter

But, God connected me with Dr. Rev Barnes to worship, pray and cheer each other on like mother and son

But, God connected me with Dr. Kate through knowledge and university

But, God gave me back my parents

But, God gave me medication that has saved my life. Helped me reach stability.

But, God helped me graduate from PBA

But, God helped me get accepted to IWU, now WNMU

But, God saw my end from my beginning. Nothing was a surprise to him. He knew I’d make, and He knows I’m a world changer and history maker just beginning.

Now, God will continue to see me through.

Now, God will bring my hopes, dreams, and more than I can imagine to reality.

Now, God is my hope for tomorrow and my reason to wake up for the future.

Now, God is and always has been the source of my testimony, and I refuse to be shamed not to share it, for He’s never been ashamed of me and not bless me and be there for me. If you think your reading or being a part of my life is by luck, you’re wrong. You were divinely placed for this specific time before the world of creation began. God has a future for you, and He loves you. He, too, is waiting for you to realize like I have your “But, God” moment.

I have realized that without God, I’d be dust, and with God, I can do everything.

I’ll be 31 in 4 days. This, according to my plans, wasn’t meant to be. But, God!

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Being Raped, as a Transman!

Black Beauty <3

Elm City Vineyard! God’s place of residence!

But, God!