Does one calendar day difference really change the perspectives, behavioral patterns, and problems, or is this just a story we tell ourselves?
I wanted to die because life was becoming poison, and hard to live alone.
Then, I realized that I was a miracle in progress. And it’s too late to stop this miracle, and nothing is impossible.
Suicide is a permanent decision, often a temporary situation.
But what do you (I) do when the pain doesn’t go away? I’m still hurting, and I’m crying out for release, acting out to escape overcompensating in school, etc., in order to feel inferior or superior.
I’m 33, and this isn’t the time for me to fear, to back down and give in. for as the writer sings, “It’s too late to lose; you (Jesus) already made a way. The Cross still stands, (sacrifice) of Christ’s still speaks, and the grave of Christ is still empty.”
This just means if you a believer Jesus died a brutal death for the sins of all men, woman and non-binary people so that we would not have to live a life of condemnation being weighted down with guilt, pain and regret. Not only this gift, but now we have direct access to GOD, the triune God, through Jesus. Jesus was killed on a bad Friday, stayed in the grave for two days, and on the first Sunday morning, he rose. Taking power back from the evilness in this world proves that if he achieved this and if we come in his name, there is nothing we cannot do.
Knowing the history of the Trinity, I still face thoughts of suicide. Thinking to myself no one will miss me; it’ll be another day, and I just disappear. then I think of my ancestors being captured from Africa to work as slaves and taught a perverted gospel of Jesus to keep us condemned. How my great grandma is one generation away from slavery. With my academic achievements, I remember my late grandma always saying, “Baby, you’re the answer to a slave’s prayer, the reason why blood was shed, we worked in the heat, suffered violence, then one day we were free. So take the baton of freedom and make a difference that we could and sing the old negro hymns. Never let them escape your lips. And always know you’re grandma’s bay.”
Maybe I don’t want to die, but just for the pain to end, the distress to end, the loneliness to end, my transition to being complete, and for one night not to cry myself to sleep. I think what makes suicide so appealing is that it’s something I have infinite control over. However, where does my soul go from there?!?!
In reality, I want to take my last breath at 96. I want to be a girl dad, philanthropist, pastor, theologian, scholar, first black queer trans senator from Connecticut, maybe Governor, and more. I dream of opening a school for foster care youth that gives them their life back, keeps them connected with their siblings, and gives them the opportunity not to be a statistic. I want to be a professor at community colleges not for the money but to show the students who believed they couldn’t make it that there is so much more to life and you (they) can do this.
I dream of hearing the words “dada. papa”
as my therapist says, none of this can happen if I’m dead. So I’m just holding onto the cross, worshipping at the feet of Christ, praying for strength, humility, serenity, and happiness.
1-3 I run for dear life to God, I’ll never live to regret it. Do what you do so well: Get me out of this mess and up on my feet. Put your ear to the ground and listen, give me space for salvation. Be a guest room where I can retreat; you said your door was always open! You’re my salvation—my vast, granite fortress.
4-7 My God, free me from the grip of Wicked, from the clutch of Bad and Bully. You keep me going when times are tough— my bedrock, God, since my childhood. I’ve hung on you from the day of my birth, the day you took me from the cradle; I’ll never run out of praise. Many gasp in alarm when they see me, but you take me in stride.
8-11 Just as each day brims with your beauty, my mouth brims with praise. But don’t turn me out to pasture when I’m old or put me on the shelf when I can’t pull my weight. My enemies are talking behind my back, watching for their chance to knife me. The gossip is: “God has abandoned him. Pounce on him now; no one will help him.”
12-16 God, don’t just watch from the sidelines. Come on! Run to my side! My accusers—make them lose face. Those out to get me—make them look Like idiots, while I stretch out, reaching for you, and daily add praise to praise. I’ll write the book on your righteousness, talk up your salvation all day long, and never run out of good things to write or say. I come in the power of the Lord God, I post signs marking his right-of-way.
17-24 You got me when I was an unformed youth, God, and taught me everything I know. Now I’m telling the world your wonders; I’ll keep at it until I’m old and gray. God, don’t walk off and leave me until I get out the news Of your strong right arm to this world, news of your power to the world yet to come, You’re famous and righteous ways, O God. God, you’ve done it all! Who is quite like you? You, who made me stare trouble in the face, Turn me around; Now, let me look life in the face. I’ve been to the bottom; Bring me up, streaming with honors; turn to me, be tender to me, And I’ll take up the lute and thank you to the tune of your faithfulness, God. I’ll make music for you on a harp, Holy One of Israel. When I open up in song to you, I let out lungsful of praise, My Rescued Life is a song. All day long, I’m chanting about you and your righteous ways, While those who tried to do me in slink off, looking ashamed.
I love this scripture, especially after my pastor preached it today. It says my hope is in the Lord, I look upon the Lord, Lord, I rely upon you, Lord, I need you to survive. I can’t make it without you, and I can’t live this life without you. I can’t survive sobriety without you. I can’t survive daily life without it. Lord, without there is no meaning; with you, Oh Lord, In you I have my being. Save me from me, Oh Lord. Live within me, and do not remove your Holy Spirit from me. That is equivalent to not living at all, and Oh, savior, my redeemer, I need you to survive.
This Christmas is different from any Christmas that I have every experienced before.
For I feel the Christ in the “mas”
I feel the sweet, kind, angelic, and peacefulness of the Christ’s Holy Spirit.
Over the past year I joined ECV and God had helped heal from much bitterness, susuicidaility, anger, feeling misunderstood, fatigue, depression, anxiety, anger within heart and soul.
I experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit and I’m still trans.
His holy peace has encapsuled me and transfigured me
My friends, I feel whole and something that was once scary I feel so much joy now
I’ve been able to reflect my wrongs over the years and my rights and
realize–>GOD STILL LOVE’S ME SO!
I’m never to far away where he cannot bring me back
Nor to far away where I cannot recognize his voice.
Through my church my inner child is healing and being released.
Through the openess of my pastors I am observing what health families are
I want to dedicate this blog in thanks to Jesus and his ultimate sacrfice.
Second, I want to dedicate this blog to Pastor Josh and Tina for inviting me to home groups letting me see them love their children in a healthy way, and for Pastor Josh redefining what it means to be a man and what it doesnt. Speaking life into me, not judging me for panic attacks, hallucinations, having to bring my rabbit to home group.
Third to my God Mom and Pop Kennedy’s for taking on another grownish child lol. On a serious note for listening to me, hugging me, praying with me, texting me, giving me covid or me giving it to them lol, (another blog another day), and for opening their home to me. To thier children for sharing their parents and being willing to get to know me.
Lastly to the my God Aunt and Uncle the Mangler’s for having an open ear, teaching home group, listening and never judging and always giving great hugs and operating in the gift of encouragement, and knowledge. I’m grateful.
7 years ago I told my psychiatrist I was going to kill myself by age 25. She’s my aunty now. She told me to give her a chance. I was tired, homeless, dirty, hungry and lonely. However I did! Thank God I did.
It had been my plan since I was about 8 years old first taken into foster care to never return to my twin or mom again. When I experienced years of rape, molestation and beatings and was often hungry. I thought 25 is my golden birthday because I was born on the 25th of August in 1991. I thought to myself no one cared nor will I be missed. My mother father and family forsaked me. My grandmother was dying. I was arguing with my mentor. Unable to keep a job, living in a Crisis Shelter. Then a form of residential program. While doing my undergrad degree online.
I couldn’t find God. And felt far away. See I’m transgender raised in a Baptist family I knew if my grandma knew I couldn’t live with the thought ofin the process of her dying and disowning me. I never knew starting testosterone would relieve the dysphoria and I would grow into a man. I thought God disowned me until I stepped into a conversation with my spiritual mentor who said God can still use me.
I questioned if God would love me. If I could dance before him again. I wondered if there would be a church where my wounds could be healed. 6 years ago my brother at funeral my brother grabbed me so hard and said “I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, I wish you were dead.” This is my twin who I shared the same womb with. My aunts but some were abusive growing up. My aunt told me “you’re no better than your mom, you deserved to be raped.” My cousin would beat me up everyday after school and said one day “at least my mom loves me.” At age 15 my birth mom said “you don’t have to call me mom, for I don’t know how to love you.” I had a church family that spoke life into me but when I came out transgender and started my transition and then pansexual they wanted nothing to do with me. This always happened around my birthday.
Growing up in foster care, then a forever family kicking me out not caring what happened to me. As long as I was no longer their problem. Because I was tiring while I was suffering from a mental illness I couldn’t control. Since my former foster mom kicked me out ever year I ask for a hug for my birthday and she says “no”. She’ll buy me groceries but won’t hug me. I can’t see the difference between my biological mom and her because for both of them I was disposable.
This was my life.
WAS!!!
I gave my aunt aprn who is the warmest human and kind soul a chance. My therapist John. My family Continuum of Care a chance. My life changed. I was placed on social security I had food stamps and my first apartment. Then I got a bunny and I had someone to love.
Your family is your chosen one and mine is unique.
I always struggled with food insecurity and a eating disorder. Now I have belly and and bald head and I’m ok! Somedays. But often still go hungry.
I started to follow God again. By listening to sermons of Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen. A seed was being sown. I graduated from under grad. I eventually got a one bedroom apartment. Where two years in I would be raped by a neighbor. The fear came back from when I was a child. It’s still there.
I found my true forever home at Elm City Vineyard. Pastor Patrick and Pastor Josh and Pastor Kyanna and others changed my life with their sermons of hope, Pride Acceptance, the truth of scripture and allowed me to take communion every Sunday. Elm City Vineyard thank you for becoming my place a refuge. I love you! I love you Pastor Josh and Pastor Patick.
My mental health changed when I got on the injection. I told my favorite mental health worker and LCSW Danielle “I dont want to see you again unless you are hiring me. ” One year became two than three. I now celebrate 6 years 4 months of being out of the psychiatric hospital.
God found me a job that I have been able to be effective at and a boss name Joy with a heart. I am open with her and I annoy her. Like I do everyone in a good way and the job became flexible with my mental health and helped me stay employed for a year. I was hired August 24th 2022 and started my first shift August 27th. Worked 200 shifts and made a connection with a client who would change my life. As I helped changed his. Now we share a church home together and both grow to be the best humans we can be. My mentor kept telling me I needed a better job, when she never understood the struggle of keeping a job. Let alone one I was changing lives. Her negativity became toxic and I ended the relationship.
Change happened, relationships ended, and started. Just a few weeks I asked my forever family to come to church with me and they said no. So I say Good-bye. I’m not going to beg. I have a very unique family but it’s mine. To mentors, friends, old spiritual mentors if you are not for me and speaking life I don’t want you in my life. I can and have made it without you and will continue.
I’m still on social security and I live in low income housing.
I started listening to Bishop T.D Jakes afraid of seeing a baptist style church. The seed planted and water by Pastor’s Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen,.. Bishop Jake’s is helping grow along side of ECV.
Bishop Jake’s most powerful sermons I’ll cherrish are: Tomorrow belongs to God, A Long Ways From Lodebar!, A second Cahnce, A Second Chapter, I have Permission, Conception of Faith I&II and It’s worth Wait. I’m listening everydy every morning every evening.
In yet the eve of my birthday I was going to kill myself 7 years later after overcoming so much. I felt my past bearing over me. I missed my grandma. I felt alone didn’t want to post on FB about it. I was just going to overdose. Then I came to my senses and realize 7 years ago what I believed and how much has changed. How much I gained. the teachings of Jesus. I took my meds responsibly and said: TOMORROW BELONGS TO GOD!
I know I won’t be in poverty forever, food insecurity wont be my future, lack and struggle will not be my strugglefor much loner. This 32nd year is a year of Triumpth, Deliverance, Healing, Restoration, Peace, Success, I will gradute with my masters in Psychology. I will get into Yale School of Divinity and bear witness to the Glory of God. How he can take a forgotten nobody and make them a somebody. I will live in house I did not build. A sermon is in my story. I will affrim my faith through baptism. I’m not gong to live in fear. I’m liberated and free. Bipolar and all!!!! I am my own worst enemy and with Jesus there’s a future for me. By Jesus Chirst I’m justified. By Jesus Christ I was brought from death to life. By Jesus Christ alone through his willing vessels I am alive. By Jesus Christ alone I am free, alive, and I have my hope in my tomorrow for a better tomorrow and future. Tomorrow Belong to God!
This is the story of a God of Second Chance. Happy Brithday 32nd to me and many more. In Jesus Name, Amen
My Journey, My Style 