Sometimes I feel as though giving up and feeling sorry for myself is easier than living. I will be honest because I can and I should. I want to give up and throw in the towel. Hell, I’ve tried it before and almost made it out. But I don’t know what it’s like to give up and quit. I have never thought I’d be 35, single, overweight, and stuck alone. I want a husband. I want my three daughters and one or two sons. I just want a house, and one I can clean myself. I’m filing complaints, and I have a list, but these are my top ones.
If I can make any commitment to myself, it will be to continue losing weight. I will fight the pain that fibromyalgia and chronic spinal stenosis throw. This is so hard, y’all. So damn hard. I just want to run again and stop after a mile or two. I miss running. I do! I miss running up the steps. Every movement we take for granted in our youth, I want back.
35 years old isn’t the grave and I will not treat it as such. This year, I will give back to myself first. My new bunny, Pixel, is second. I just want to get back to who I know I can be as a student, as a human, in my weight, in my health, and just start dating again and living again.
This 35th year, I am giving myself a chance to live life. I am not sure what that looks like, but I have a month left until my birthday, and I will find some way to get it back. I’m motivated! I know I can do this. If I can get from being homeless to a one-bedroom apartment, with a pet, and have a stable income, even if it’s only SSDI for now. It will not always be.
I will run again.
I will dance again.
I will clean my own home again.
I will own a home.
I will have my children and a husband.
I will not be afraid, shy, or timid.
I will apologize less (I overdo it) and say “no” or “yes”.
This is my year. I know it will be hard, but I can do it. I know I must.
Damit, I got this!!! The only way to look while walking is up.
I can do all things through, and in him (Christ) who gives me strength.
I have been angry with you long enough. I accept now that you did not have the capacity to love me. I accept your disposition. I acknowledge that you did your best. I assume you’re giving up. I forgive you! I forgive you! I pray you are blessed, happy, whole, and complete. You will always be my mother, and I your son. This is the end of all strife between us. I am of you, but not you. I am my own being and an adult. To let you harm me would be a choice and permission I have given. – Zih
Dear Brother,
The anger I hold towards you is profound. The resentment I hold towards you is profound. The love I have for you runs deeper. You will never know how much I love you because you never gave me a chance to love you. I accept you for who you are, I love your creativity, and I will love whoever you love. I wish you nothing but the best. I want my twin older brother to be happy, prosperous, and living a life worth living. Please, big brother, never settle for less, and keep the good fight of faith. You are worthy. You are handsome. You are smart. You are the beloved of Christ himself. Today, I release you. You no longer hold negative energy over my life. No more will I allow our awful past to haunt me. I will not speak negatively about your name and will continually ask God for forgiveness if bitterness arises within me. I forgive you. I forgive you. -Zih
Dear Charles,
From the time you were 4 years old, sick, and vomited red Kool-Aid on me, I loved you. I raised you like the little brother you were always to me. Oh, how I hope to hug you one more time and take a glimpse at the young man you have become. To me, you are perfect. One of a kind. A prince and leader. You are smart, and I will always cry good tears when I think of you. You helped parts of me heal, and your allowance of me to love you and help take care of you kept me. Thank you for being you. Please, young King, don’t settle for anything but greatness. You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength. You are capable. You are worthy of love. It’s not a goodbye, but until we meet again, stay close to the cross and keep carrying on! Love you forever and ever. Hunnybun
Dear Dickey Family,
How I wish you could have gotten to know the true me. How I wish you could have truly loved me. I wish you wouldn’t hurt and try to destroy my character, person, and spirit. How I wish I could sing and dance like you. But I can’t. God gave me a brain, and I’m going to use it for greatness. I love every aunt, uncle, and cousin. I thank God for the good memories we shared with Grandma. I value all of your strength and perseverance. Now we have grown into a nation, so close but so far. I pray that everyone who is hurting heals and lives an abundant life. I have to let you go. I have to put my foot down finally. While you are living your life, I am suffering from PTSD. But today is a new day, and I say what Jacob said to Esau: May the Lord watch between me and thee while we’re absent one from another. Love you. -Mimi
Dear Dad,
I always yearned to be your kid. I loved the two years we spent together. You are hardworking, honest, and have a great sense of humor. Spiritually wise with a significant amount of discernment. I think about what could have been. Then I accept reality. I love you and wish you all the best in life. – Your Kid!
Dear Gramma,
I miss you. I wish I could hug you one more time. You were my best friend, and I am sorry I could not have saved you. I thank you for being honest in your dying days. When you admitted fear, but you were glad you only had to die once. You were my rock. You were my true Mama, so with the host of angels and you singing in the heavenly choir, cooking and baking soul food for Jesus. Watch over me. No matter what has happened between us, the love we shared outweighs it all. Rest in Peace- Domenia
Dear Griffins/Leitermans,
You did the most harm to me that has ever been done. I have been raped, sodomized, neglected, and beaten with belts until I bled. The damage you did makes all the above-mentioned look like a piece of ice cream. You didn’t have to take me. I was compared to a dog. I was never your child. You did not deserve the names ‘Mom,’ ‘Dude,’ ‘Sister,’ or ‘Brother’ to come from my mouth. I am livid with you because I suffered while you stayed warm. I want to hate you, but that is not who I am. I want nothing to do with you ever again. Never try to contact me. Don’t even come to my funeral. I am saying goodbye and erasing you from my mind. I am saying may my Lord and Savior judge you accordingly. However, know I forgive you. What you meant for evil, God turned it around for my good. You can’t hurt me anymore. I am free from you. I stand on my own two feet as a black man. I pray you all have happy lives. Good-Bye -Mia
St. Mary’s
I pray you grow your minds. I pray you become open and affirming. Teaching the bible from an intellectual standpoint and academically, not just the history passed down orally from enslavers. You put me on a pedal stool, and when I am homeless, hungry, and coming into my trans and pansexual identity, you abandon me. I can’t comprehend how and why you are so dysfunctional, yet still going. This church has hurt so many people. I pray for your leaders and their souls. Love God. Live for God. Worship God in Spirit and in Truth. I forgive you and know I’m not looking back. I forgive you, and you know who you are. I am a transgender man. I am queer. I am pansexual/gay. I am a Christian – Xih-Zih
To my many rapists and abusers,
You have tainted my soul enough. The pain you inflicted will teach me no more. You are evil. You are demonic. You need to find Jesus. What’s crazy is that I’m more hurt by everyone I addressed above than you. However, I live with the physical scars from you. It has affected how I see myself, how I eat, and has dictated my life to the point where I am afraid of what I am. A black man. I do forgive you. I don’t wish you well. Kind of, I do. But I 100% forgive you. – Twin 2
To Jen (with one “n”),
You hurt me by calling me a gold digger, basically. You’ve done so much for me. I’ll never forget. You created memories with me that I will cherish forever. You loved me, but it was conditional. I am not sure what happened post-med school, but you thought you were always right and were often wrong. You married, and I became your burden. Getting you out of my life was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I’m grown. I am a Christian. I have new friends and mentors. You were just a stepping stone or stumbling block; however, I was pushed into my purpose. Most importantly, I forgive you. I will hold no grudge against you. Have a great life and be as successful as you can. I’ll always care about you. – Domenia
I had to write a blog. Not for likes or more subscribers, but so I can heal and move on. For once in my life, I have not had a suicidal thought in a week and 3 days. I am not whole. I am still broken; however, I am overcoming the hurdles to wholeness. I believe in forgiveness strongly. I forgive, and sometimes it takes reason, logic, reading my Bible, and prayer. But I always forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are letting the perpetrator win. Forgiveness is like stress when held on, you gain weight, overeat, develop mental illnesses, and physical ones. Forgiveness is healing. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. But don’t let that thought hinder and bind you. Allow it to help you create barriers, boundaries, and a safe space for yourself. Thank you for reading!
Does one calendar day difference really change the perspectives, behavioral patterns, and problems, or is this just a story we tell ourselves?
I wanted to die because life was becoming poison, and hard to live alone.
Then, I realized that I was a miracle in progress. And it’s too late to stop this miracle, and nothing is impossible.
Suicide is a permanent decision, often a temporary situation.
But what do you (I) do when the pain doesn’t go away? I’m still hurting, and I’m crying out for release, acting out to escape overcompensating in school, etc., in order to feel inferior or superior.
I’m 33, and this isn’t the time for me to fear, to back down and give in. for as the writer sings, “It’s too late to lose; you (Jesus) already made a way. The Cross still stands, (sacrifice) of Christ’s still speaks, and the grave of Christ is still empty.”
This just means if you a believer Jesus died a brutal death for the sins of all men, woman and non-binary people so that we would not have to live a life of condemnation being weighted down with guilt, pain and regret. Not only this gift, but now we have direct access to GOD, the triune God, through Jesus. Jesus was killed on a bad Friday, stayed in the grave for two days, and on the first Sunday morning, he rose. Taking power back from the evilness in this world proves that if he achieved this and if we come in his name, there is nothing we cannot do.
Knowing the history of the Trinity, I still face thoughts of suicide. Thinking to myself no one will miss me; it’ll be another day, and I just disappear. then I think of my ancestors being captured from Africa to work as slaves and taught a perverted gospel of Jesus to keep us condemned. How my great grandma is one generation away from slavery. With my academic achievements, I remember my late grandma always saying, “Baby, you’re the answer to a slave’s prayer, the reason why blood was shed, we worked in the heat, suffered violence, then one day we were free. So take the baton of freedom and make a difference that we could and sing the old negro hymns. Never let them escape your lips. And always know you’re grandma’s bay.”
Maybe I don’t want to die, but just for the pain to end, the distress to end, the loneliness to end, my transition to being complete, and for one night not to cry myself to sleep. I think what makes suicide so appealing is that it’s something I have infinite control over. However, where does my soul go from there?!?!
In reality, I want to take my last breath at 96. I want to be a girl dad, philanthropist, pastor, theologian, scholar, first black queer trans senator from Connecticut, maybe Governor, and more. I dream of opening a school for foster care youth that gives them their life back, keeps them connected with their siblings, and gives them the opportunity not to be a statistic. I want to be a professor at community colleges not for the money but to show the students who believed they couldn’t make it that there is so much more to life and you (they) can do this.
I dream of hearing the words “dada. papa”
as my therapist says, none of this can happen if I’m dead. So I’m just holding onto the cross, worshipping at the feet of Christ, praying for strength, humility, serenity, and happiness.
7 years ago I told my psychiatrist I was going to kill myself by age 25. She’s my aunty now. She told me to give her a chance. I was tired, homeless, dirty, hungry and lonely. However I did! Thank God I did.
It had been my plan since I was about 8 years old first taken into foster care to never return to my twin or mom again. When I experienced years of rape, molestation and beatings and was often hungry. I thought 25 is my golden birthday because I was born on the 25th of August in 1991. I thought to myself no one cared nor will I be missed. My mother father and family forsaked me. My grandmother was dying. I was arguing with my mentor. Unable to keep a job, living in a Crisis Shelter. Then a form of residential program. While doing my undergrad degree online.
I couldn’t find God. And felt far away. See I’m transgender raised in a Baptist family I knew if my grandma knew I couldn’t live with the thought ofin the process of her dying and disowning me. I never knew starting testosterone would relieve the dysphoria and I would grow into a man. I thought God disowned me until I stepped into a conversation with my spiritual mentor who said God can still use me.
I questioned if God would love me. If I could dance before him again. I wondered if there would be a church where my wounds could be healed. 6 years ago my brother at funeral my brother grabbed me so hard and said “I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, I wish you were dead.” This is my twin who I shared the same womb with. My aunts but some were abusive growing up. My aunt told me “you’re no better than your mom, you deserved to be raped.” My cousin would beat me up everyday after school and said one day “at least my mom loves me.” At age 15 my birth mom said “you don’t have to call me mom, for I don’t know how to love you.” I had a church family that spoke life into me but when I came out transgender and started my transition and then pansexual they wanted nothing to do with me. This always happened around my birthday.
Growing up in foster care, then a forever family kicking me out not caring what happened to me. As long as I was no longer their problem. Because I was tiring while I was suffering from a mental illness I couldn’t control. Since my former foster mom kicked me out ever year I ask for a hug for my birthday and she says “no”. She’ll buy me groceries but won’t hug me. I can’t see the difference between my biological mom and her because for both of them I was disposable.
This was my life.
WAS!!!
I gave my aunt aprn who is the warmest human and kind soul a chance. My therapist John. My family Continuum of Care a chance. My life changed. I was placed on social security I had food stamps and my first apartment. Then I got a bunny and I had someone to love.
Your family is your chosen one and mine is unique.
I always struggled with food insecurity and a eating disorder. Now I have belly and and bald head and I’m ok! Somedays. But often still go hungry.
I started to follow God again. By listening to sermons of Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen. A seed was being sown. I graduated from under grad. I eventually got a one bedroom apartment. Where two years in I would be raped by a neighbor. The fear came back from when I was a child. It’s still there.
I found my true forever home at Elm City Vineyard. Pastor Patrick and Pastor Josh and Pastor Kyanna and others changed my life with their sermons of hope, Pride Acceptance, the truth of scripture and allowed me to take communion every Sunday. Elm City Vineyard thank you for becoming my place a refuge. I love you! I love you Pastor Josh and Pastor Patick.
My mental health changed when I got on the injection. I told my favorite mental health worker and LCSW Danielle “I dont want to see you again unless you are hiring me. ” One year became two than three. I now celebrate 6 years 4 months of being out of the psychiatric hospital.
God found me a job that I have been able to be effective at and a boss name Joy with a heart. I am open with her and I annoy her. Like I do everyone in a good way and the job became flexible with my mental health and helped me stay employed for a year. I was hired August 24th 2022 and started my first shift August 27th. Worked 200 shifts and made a connection with a client who would change my life. As I helped changed his. Now we share a church home together and both grow to be the best humans we can be. My mentor kept telling me I needed a better job, when she never understood the struggle of keeping a job. Let alone one I was changing lives. Her negativity became toxic and I ended the relationship.
Change happened, relationships ended, and started. Just a few weeks I asked my forever family to come to church with me and they said no. So I say Good-bye. I’m not going to beg. I have a very unique family but it’s mine. To mentors, friends, old spiritual mentors if you are not for me and speaking life I don’t want you in my life. I can and have made it without you and will continue.
I’m still on social security and I live in low income housing.
I started listening to Bishop T.D Jakes afraid of seeing a baptist style church. The seed planted and water by Pastor’s Steven Furtick and Joel Osteen,.. Bishop Jake’s is helping grow along side of ECV.
Bishop Jake’s most powerful sermons I’ll cherrish are: Tomorrow belongs to God, A Long Ways From Lodebar!, A second Cahnce, A Second Chapter, I have Permission, Conception of Faith I&II and It’s worth Wait. I’m listening everydy every morning every evening.
In yet the eve of my birthday I was going to kill myself 7 years later after overcoming so much. I felt my past bearing over me. I missed my grandma. I felt alone didn’t want to post on FB about it. I was just going to overdose. Then I came to my senses and realize 7 years ago what I believed and how much has changed. How much I gained. the teachings of Jesus. I took my meds responsibly and said: TOMORROW BELONGS TO GOD!
I know I won’t be in poverty forever, food insecurity wont be my future, lack and struggle will not be my strugglefor much loner. This 32nd year is a year of Triumpth, Deliverance, Healing, Restoration, Peace, Success, I will gradute with my masters in Psychology. I will get into Yale School of Divinity and bear witness to the Glory of God. How he can take a forgotten nobody and make them a somebody. I will live in house I did not build. A sermon is in my story. I will affrim my faith through baptism. I’m not gong to live in fear. I’m liberated and free. Bipolar and all!!!! I am my own worst enemy and with Jesus there’s a future for me. By Jesus Chirst I’m justified. By Jesus Christ I was brought from death to life. By Jesus Christ alone through his willing vessels I am alive. By Jesus Christ alone I am free, alive, and I have my hope in my tomorrow for a better tomorrow and future. Tomorrow Belong to God!
This is the story of a God of Second Chance. Happy Brithday 32nd to me and many more. In Jesus Name, Amen
My Journey, My Style 