Umbrella-carrying pedestrians navigate a rain-soaked Manhattan street alongside taxis and buses.
Hi I’m Xih,
And I’m lonely. I long for a mother who cannot love me with the virtue and passion I love her with. I’m lonely. I attend an amazing church with people I love and who have grown to love me, but will not permit me to minister in their church. The church I call home. Hi, I’m grief! Grieving over the dysfunctional family I had, but since Grandma died, we have all separated. Were we ever together? Hi, I’m anger over the time I’ve lost due to mental health, lack of educational guidance, and not receiving a hug from a Dickey in 4 years.
I have staff that helps me. But I’m grieving the life I once had. If Belmont Street meant me pain for decades when they closed their door, they have done well.
Hi, I’m grateful because every day I experience my intense bipolar filled emotions, and I didn’t use negative vices to handle my pain. I see growth and maturity. Where I would have given up before, I do not anymore.
I have to find grounding within myself, within my faith; I am trying to figure out, within my identity, in my socioeconomics class, in my educational standings; within my Savior. You may not believe in Jesus, but I proudly do. I’m trans and gay, and I’d rather have Jesus than all the silver and gold on earth.
I don’t get hugs, I don’t get kisses; and if I do, it’s from my aunt Sue once a month. I don’t want presents for my birthday; I just ask Jesus to shower me down with rain. Since I can’t get rebaptized, maybe this rain, this water will be Jesus hugging me and cleansing me. Where I can cry in it, and no one can tell the difference between my tears and rain falling from the sky. If it thunders, I can yell, and in lightning I dance. Correct that, I don’t dance; “we dance”. Yes, Jesus and I. We dance. Until the sun goes down and the moon rises, we dance, in the rain, in the snow, during a hurricane, and a blizzard. My father that you cannot see. Sees me. His prized possession, his son. I can see my Great Grandma, my Gramma, Apostle Green, Minister Daniels, Aunt Ruth, Aunt Naomi, Ms. Dixon, and angels I’ve never met on this earth watching and cheering me on. Yell in the stands of heaven as if the Cowboys just won a Super Bowl.
We dance, we sing, we scream, we cry, we laugh, we grieve, yes, my Savior and I.
Loneliness won’t forever define me. Jesus will continue to help and guide me. Jesus will bear the weight equally, my Savior and I.
Sometimes I feel as though giving up and feeling sorry for myself is easier than living. I will be honest because I can and I should. I want to give up and throw in the towel. Hell, I’ve tried it before and almost made it out. But I don’t know what it’s like to give up and quit. I have never thought I’d be 35, single, overweight, and stuck alone. I want a husband. I want my three daughters and one or two sons. I just want a house, and one I can clean myself. I’m filing complaints, and I have a list, but these are my top ones.
If I can make any commitment to myself, it will be to continue losing weight. I will fight the pain that fibromyalgia and chronic spinal stenosis throw. This is so hard, y’all. So damn hard. I just want to run again and stop after a mile or two. I miss running. I do! I miss running up the steps. Every movement we take for granted in our youth, I want back.
35 years old isn’t the grave and I will not treat it as such. This year, I will give back to myself first. My new bunny, Pixel, is second. I just want to get back to who I know I can be as a student, as a human, in my weight, in my health, and just start dating again and living again.
This 35th year, I am giving myself a chance to live life. I am not sure what that looks like, but I have a month left until my birthday, and I will find some way to get it back. I’m motivated! I know I can do this. If I can get from being homeless to a one-bedroom apartment, with a pet, and have a stable income, even if it’s only SSDI for now. It will not always be.
I will run again.
I will dance again.
I will clean my own home again.
I will own a home.
I will have my children and a husband.
I will not be afraid, shy, or timid.
I will apologize less (I overdo it) and say “no” or “yes”.
This is my year. I know it will be hard, but I can do it. I know I must.
Damit, I got this!!! The only way to look while walking is up.
I can do all things through, and in him (Christ) who gives me strength.
I have been angry with you long enough. I accept now that you did not have the capacity to love me. I accept your disposition. I acknowledge that you did your best. I assume you’re giving up. I forgive you! I forgive you! I pray you are blessed, happy, whole, and complete. You will always be my mother, and I your son. This is the end of all strife between us. I am of you, but not you. I am my own being and an adult. To let you harm me would be a choice and permission I have given. – Zih
Dear Brother,
The anger I hold towards you is profound. The resentment I hold towards you is profound. The love I have for you runs deeper. You will never know how much I love you because you never gave me a chance to love you. I accept you for who you are, I love your creativity, and I will love whoever you love. I wish you nothing but the best. I want my twin older brother to be happy, prosperous, and living a life worth living. Please, big brother, never settle for less, and keep the good fight of faith. You are worthy. You are handsome. You are smart. You are the beloved of Christ himself. Today, I release you. You no longer hold negative energy over my life. No more will I allow our awful past to haunt me. I will not speak negatively about your name and will continually ask God for forgiveness if bitterness arises within me. I forgive you. I forgive you. -Zih
Dear Charles,
From the time you were 4 years old, sick, and vomited red Kool-Aid on me, I loved you. I raised you like the little brother you were always to me. Oh, how I hope to hug you one more time and take a glimpse at the young man you have become. To me, you are perfect. One of a kind. A prince and leader. You are smart, and I will always cry good tears when I think of you. You helped parts of me heal, and your allowance of me to love you and help take care of you kept me. Thank you for being you. Please, young King, don’t settle for anything but greatness. You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength. You are capable. You are worthy of love. It’s not a goodbye, but until we meet again, stay close to the cross and keep carrying on! Love you forever and ever. Hunnybun
Dear Dickey Family,
How I wish you could have gotten to know the true me. How I wish you could have truly loved me. I wish you wouldn’t hurt and try to destroy my character, person, and spirit. How I wish I could sing and dance like you. But I can’t. God gave me a brain, and I’m going to use it for greatness. I love every aunt, uncle, and cousin. I thank God for the good memories we shared with Grandma. I value all of your strength and perseverance. Now we have grown into a nation, so close but so far. I pray that everyone who is hurting heals and lives an abundant life. I have to let you go. I have to put my foot down finally. While you are living your life, I am suffering from PTSD. But today is a new day, and I say what Jacob said to Esau: May the Lord watch between me and thee while we’re absent one from another. Love you. -Mimi
Dear Dad,
I always yearned to be your kid. I loved the two years we spent together. You are hardworking, honest, and have a great sense of humor. Spiritually wise with a significant amount of discernment. I think about what could have been. Then I accept reality. I love you and wish you all the best in life. – Your Kid!
Dear Gramma,
I miss you. I wish I could hug you one more time. You were my best friend, and I am sorry I could not have saved you. I thank you for being honest in your dying days. When you admitted fear, but you were glad you only had to die once. You were my rock. You were my true Mama, so with the host of angels and you singing in the heavenly choir, cooking and baking soul food for Jesus. Watch over me. No matter what has happened between us, the love we shared outweighs it all. Rest in Peace- Domenia
Dear Griffins/Leitermans,
You did the most harm to me that has ever been done. I have been raped, sodomized, neglected, and beaten with belts until I bled. The damage you did makes all the above-mentioned look like a piece of ice cream. You didn’t have to take me. I was compared to a dog. I was never your child. You did not deserve the names ‘Mom,’ ‘Dude,’ ‘Sister,’ or ‘Brother’ to come from my mouth. I am livid with you because I suffered while you stayed warm. I want to hate you, but that is not who I am. I want nothing to do with you ever again. Never try to contact me. Don’t even come to my funeral. I am saying goodbye and erasing you from my mind. I am saying may my Lord and Savior judge you accordingly. However, know I forgive you. What you meant for evil, God turned it around for my good. You can’t hurt me anymore. I am free from you. I stand on my own two feet as a black man. I pray you all have happy lives. Good-Bye -Mia
St. Mary’s
I pray you grow your minds. I pray you become open and affirming. Teaching the bible from an intellectual standpoint and academically, not just the history passed down orally from enslavers. You put me on a pedal stool, and when I am homeless, hungry, and coming into my trans and pansexual identity, you abandon me. I can’t comprehend how and why you are so dysfunctional, yet still going. This church has hurt so many people. I pray for your leaders and their souls. Love God. Live for God. Worship God in Spirit and in Truth. I forgive you and know I’m not looking back. I forgive you, and you know who you are. I am a transgender man. I am queer. I am pansexual/gay. I am a Christian – Xih-Zih
To my many rapists and abusers,
You have tainted my soul enough. The pain you inflicted will teach me no more. You are evil. You are demonic. You need to find Jesus. What’s crazy is that I’m more hurt by everyone I addressed above than you. However, I live with the physical scars from you. It has affected how I see myself, how I eat, and has dictated my life to the point where I am afraid of what I am. A black man. I do forgive you. I don’t wish you well. Kind of, I do. But I 100% forgive you. – Twin 2
To Jen (with one “n”),
You hurt me by calling me a gold digger, basically. You’ve done so much for me. I’ll never forget. You created memories with me that I will cherish forever. You loved me, but it was conditional. I am not sure what happened post-med school, but you thought you were always right and were often wrong. You married, and I became your burden. Getting you out of my life was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I’m grown. I am a Christian. I have new friends and mentors. You were just a stepping stone or stumbling block; however, I was pushed into my purpose. Most importantly, I forgive you. I will hold no grudge against you. Have a great life and be as successful as you can. I’ll always care about you. – Domenia
I had to write a blog. Not for likes or more subscribers, but so I can heal and move on. For once in my life, I have not had a suicidal thought in a week and 3 days. I am not whole. I am still broken; however, I am overcoming the hurdles to wholeness. I believe in forgiveness strongly. I forgive, and sometimes it takes reason, logic, reading my Bible, and prayer. But I always forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are letting the perpetrator win. Forgiveness is like stress when held on, you gain weight, overeat, develop mental illnesses, and physical ones. Forgiveness is healing. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. But don’t let that thought hinder and bind you. Allow it to help you create barriers, boundaries, and a safe space for yourself. Thank you for reading!
I don’t want to be famous or well known for being an orator, preacher, advocate, or any of the sorts. I want to be known for my compassion, unconditional love, peace, holding your tears, and carrying them with me. I want people to know I see you, I hear you, and I love you. So many people, including myself, are hurting and feel lost. It’s Pride month, and as a community, it’s hard to celebrate because we are fighting for justice, peace, and solidarity. I think the church has gotten it wrong for all these years. They tried to pray the gay away, conversion therapy, while speaking harsh and condemning words, and calling it the Gospel of Christ.
That is not the Jesus I know, and I wish you would get to know him. Christ is the essence of peace, the essence of healing, the embodiment of what it means to sacrifice to a stranger, whose message was love above all else, and to be a friend in one’s darkest hours. I think and wonder, ‘What is life about? What does it matter? After all, there is so much darkness, and it’s overwhelming and all-consuming. Then I remember my faith, and it says I hear you, I see you, and I love you. Families are torn apart, mothers against daughters, fathers against sons, and trans and nonbinary youth are fighting for existence.
Sometimes it seems as though hope, dreams. Aspirations and goals are a figment of one’s imagination. However, let me speak words of encouragement. The fight is hard, but success is not inevitable. You will make it. You will succeed. Please don’t kill yourself on the words, actions, and false narratives of others.
Know your truth and live it; however, live it with integrity, grit, and resilience.
If no one says ‘I love you, ‘I appreciate you,’ and the likes, please know there is a creator that does, and friends, partners, and sects of people you have not met that do love you, appreciate, and believe your life is a life worth living. Death is for eternity, and life is for but a moment.
You’re the child of a king, a king who sits high and looks low. A king who calls you his beloved and sends angels to protect you.
To be transparent, I am broken too, and healing from trauma daily. I battle insecurity, self-doubt, self-hate, and feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. It takes one person, one community, one God, and healing begins. When I first attended my church, ECV, I went for prayer and heard the words as a trans man that I am God’s beloved. God isn’t mad at me, does not hate me, but has a consuming amount of love for me. That was the journey to a family not of blood but of Christ’s spirit and human decency.
I acknowledge that not everyone will believe in God or Jesus. However, to whom you call your higher power is, I believe, he, she, or it/they believes the same thing that my God and Savior believes in me. You are special, one of a kind, priceless, a limited edition, and have a calling to this world in some capacity. Live out your calling, don’t let your colors fade, smile in the rain, rejoice in the cold weather, and be triumphant in the cool and hot sun of the summer.
You’re more than what your bank account says, greater than your living situation, and more than the level of your education and/or socioeconomic status.
Don’t let anyone define you with labels that you don’t adopt. Adopt the labels of beloved, gracious, peace, wisdom, sparks of energy, and the greatest gift to the earth for the era you were born in and the times that you live in. Fight a good fight and get into good and worthy trouble. Never losing who you are, but an ever-evolving spirit, being on the bumpy road to better. We are spiritual beings having a humanistic experience!
My Journey, My Style 